It's been a while since the last time we spoke. I would be lying if I said I didn't still think about you from time to time. To be completely honest, there's a part of me that will probably never fully forget you. I remember when I used to think you could be my everything, and all the times you broke my heart when you treated me like I was nothing.
I remember how badly it hurt when I finally came to the realization that I couldn't change you, that no amount of second chances or turning a blind eye would ever make you love me. I remember how badly the silence you left me in stung when you would drop off the face of the earth for weeks at a time. And the overwhelming wave of excitement that came over me when I would look down at my phone and see your name when you had decided to finally resurface.
I remember how you had me so convinced it was my fault you didn't want me the way I wanted you, that there had to be something inside of me that needed changing so you would finally stay.
I remember staring at myself in the mirror, picking myself apart trying to figure out why I wasn't good enough. I remember clinging to every compliment you ever gave me in order to make it through every time you made me cry.
I remember all the empty promises and unanswered texts. I remember the way you used to ignore me to look cool in front of your friends. I remember comparing myself to all the other girls you paid attention to, and ignoring the guys paying attention to me because I foolishly couldn't imagine having any interest in anyone else.
I remember my friends trying to get through to me and saying you were a jerk. I remember all the drafts of text messages I wrote to you telling you exactly how I felt, and all the times I was too afraid of losing you to actually hit send.
I remember convincing myself every time you let me down that it was OK because it was better to have you somewhat in my life, rather than not having you in it at all. And I remember the day I finally decided I needed to set myself free of you so vividly because it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
I remember the day I deleted all the nice things you ever texted me in a desperate attempt to remove you from my life. I remember how hard I had to try for months not to reach for my phone to call you when I couldn't sleep at night. And how painful it was to stomach the fact that you didn't seem to miss me at all. And I remember the feeling of your hold over me loosening its grip, little by little, day by day.
I remember the first time I saw you in public, and it didn't send my heart into the pit of my stomach. I remember the first time I heard your name come up in conversation, and I didn't have to stop to catch my breath. I remember how angry I was at myself for ever letting someone make me doubt my worth, for allowing someone to treat me as a secondary player in their life when they were a primary player in mine.
I remember an overwhelming urge to yell and scream at you, telling you everything I never had the courage to say. And I remember how freeing it was when I realized you were no longer worth my tears.
There are one million mean, horrible things I could say to you, but it would be a waste of both of our time. I have made peace with the fact that you will never fully realize how poorly you treated me. I have come to terms with the fact that, in your eyes, I wasn't worth changing for. I have rejected the notion you once instilled in me that I wasn't good enough. And I want to thank you for making me a stronger person than I was before I met you.
Because of you, I now know what I deserve. I now know that I am worthy of being treated with respect, and that I am not someone you only want to see after midnight.
I am not a punching bag you can deflect all of your insecurities onto. I know I'm not perfect, but I know for a fact I am far better off than you.
Because one day, all of the mind games are going to catch up with you. One day, you are going to meet a girl who is going to tell you off. One day, you might just wake up to find you let a perfectly good girl walk out of your life.
And when you finally come to your senses, she won't be sitting by the phone waiting for you to call. Not anymore.
Better Off Without You