This week we have Jane* who was going to bang anyone to get out of her long dry spell.
9:30 pm: I'm pre-gaming, and I'm on a mission.
I was going through a dry spell the past few months, and I was ready to get back in the game. I wanted to get laid, and it was going to happen tonight.
The problem is, I'm picky. I'm not going to bang any ugly loser. He needs to be cool, and he needs to be hot. I showed up to my friend's birthday party (it's just a pregame at this point), and I was on a mission.
11 pm: I'm not messing around, so I recruit some help.
We got to the bar where my friend's actual birthday party was, and I put my friend's boyfriend in charge of finding me an eligible bachelor to end my dry spell with. I sent him off to go be bros with someone and hook it up.
11:45 pm: My help sucks, so I recruit backups.
Her boyfriend couldn't find anyone hot, so my friend decided to get involved.
She says she used to fuck this hot guy hanging out by the bar and told me he was hot, good in bed and clean. What more could I ask for at this point? I got a closer look, and I saw that we look alike. Boys who look like me are weirdly always into me, so I knew he'd be down.
Boys who look like me are weirdly always into me, so I knew he'd be down.
I decided to give it a go.
11:47 pm: My friend pulls through.
She dropped me off next to him at the bar, said, "Meet my friend," and literally walked away right there.
11:48 pm: He starts buying us tequila shots.
The rest was history. And by that, I mean I blacked out.
1:50 am: I black in.
I blacked back in, and the bar was closing. We were the last ones standing.
2:00 am: The bar's closing, and I'm trying to stay out.
We were kicked out of the bar because they were officially closed, but I was drunk, and I wanted to stay out. I tried everything. I suggested karaoke, but he reminded me karaoke bars will be closed. (Bars closed at 2 am here.) I suggested we go to Wendy's to get something to eat. He said it was too far. I suggested a strip club might be open later. He shut it down. He "doesn't like strip clubs." Fuckin' loser. We just walked around the city, aimlessly going from one closed bar to another.
3:07 am: It's game on.
My other friends were at a house party, and I was trying to decide if we should maybe go to that. But then, I realized, wait a minute, I was with a hot guy, and I needed to end this dry spell ASAP. We decided to skip the party and go back to his place to get this shit over with. I texted my friend that I wasn't coming to the party because I was gonna hook up with this dude:
Notice how I didn't refer to him by name. That's because I had (and to this day still have) no idea whether his name was Alec or Alex. Didn't (and still don't) care. Later, we got an Uber back to his place.
3:45 am: We get back to his place and start drinking.
Apparently, he lived on the fucking other end of the earth. So it took us almost 40 minutes in the Uber to get back to his place. I'm pretty sure I slept the whole time. He asked if I wanted a drink. I said sure, but I was a little over this dilly-dallying. Like, it had been MONTHS since I'd gotten laid. Let's get down to it.
4:15 am: I'm starting to think maybe he's a loser.
We were drinking our beers at his place when he asked if he could turn on some music. I said sure, and he went ahead and played... country. Then, he started talking about golf.
The guy was sitting there playing country music and talking about golf. If I didn't already sleep for 40 minutes in the Uber, I would've fallen asleep right there. He MIGHT have been the most boring human I'd ever come into contact with.
4:45 am: I take control of the conversation. It is confirmed he is a loser.
To be honest, I don't really remember how it came up, but I started talking about how fucked up my friends and I were at a concert, when he decided to tell me he'd never done drugs before. Oh, excuse me, he 'did weed once' in high school.
He'd never done drugs before. Oh, excuse me, he 'did weed once' in high school.
He had now made his way from a maybe loser to a 100 percent, certified loser in my book. To me, you not doing drugs meant you weren't cool in college. You were probably a type A loser who never took risks, and to be honest, I couldn't vibe with that. Simply put, we were different.
5:00 am: I bone him anyway.
It was desperate times, and I really needed to get back in the game. My requirements were fun and cool, and this guy met at least 50 percent of them. My friend was right. He had a great body and was great in bed. He was still a loser, though.
6:30 am: He's passed out next to me, and I'm texting about him.
I was texting my best friend from his bed about our night and about what a freaking loser he was:
I lay there for a bit longer, trying to decide whether or not I should say bye to him before I bounce.
7:00 am: I'm out of there.
I decided to go with no on the whole 'saying bye' thing, and instead, I opted for sneaking out without giving him any of my contact info because, well, he was a loser.
All right, so Jane here is definitely a little... bold.
But you know what? I'M ALL ABOUT IT.
She knows what she likes, and she knows what she doesn't.
This nice boy who listens to country and has only "done weed" once would never be able to keep up with her anyway. She'd scare him, and he'd bore her.
So, instead, they both got a nice bang sesh out of it, and that was that.
Sometimes, that's all you need.
*Names have been changed.