Yes, you guys, there's essentially nothing left to know about this group of... fine gentleman, which is a little funny to me, because after reading all of their bios, I wish I could un-know a lot of things.
Let's just say some guys got a little too honest about themselves in their bios right off the bat, before Bachelorette fans have even gotten to know them.
Basically, these bios give the entire world their very first impressions of these guys. And what other high-stakes situation usually hinges on a good first impression? A first date.
When you first go on a date with somebody, whatever info you tell them about yourself will be what shapes their entire opinion of you for the time being. So you think you'd want to put your absolute best foot forward.
But unfortunately, I don't think the new Bachelorette cast got that memo. If their bios are what the world — and Rachel — has to go on for now, then the outlook for their future success in winning Rachel's heart is... bleak.
Of course, we all know shows like The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are the furthest things from reality, but that doesn't mean we can't learn some real-life lessons (a majority of them involving what NOT to do) from the lovely people we see on the show.
So here are some lines that no one should ever say on a first date, based on some comments from this season's Bachelorette contestants.
1. "My favorite actor is Jennifer Lawrence because she is every girl's goal."
— Adam, 27
Ooooh, yes! I love talking about goals! My favorite goals are the damaging, fruitless, media-based, unrealistic goals women are constantly presented with, which just so happen to align with the "goal" you mention here!
2. "Music isn't a big part of my life."
— Alex, 28
WHO ARE YOU? SATAN?
3. "I'll just say I have virtually no limits [in the bedroom] once that connection is there."
— Anthony, 26
No limits? Not a single one? You're down with murder?
4. "I got 'engaged to a crazy girl.'"
— Blake E., 31
By all means, continue to undermine women's emotional responses to certain events.
5. "If I could watch any movie right now, it would be 'the new 50 Shades of Grey movie because I love taboo sexy stuff.'"
— also Blake E., 31
Ah, the new 50 Shades of Grey movie. So please, tell me, then, how you feel about an abusive power dynamic, physical and emotional manipulation and an unrealistic portrayal of a true, healthy BDSM relationship?
6. "I hope we don't '[get] an Uber that doesn't speak English.'"
— Brady, 29
First of all, sorry not everyone can speak your preferred language? And second of all, bro, you literally pre-program the address you're going to.
7. "On dates, my biggest fear is that 'the chick is actually a dude."
— Bryce, 30
You and your insensitive comments about the trans community can take several seats. All of them — even mine — because I'm out.
8. "I 'caught a girl's hair on fire once during sex.'"
— also Bryce, 30
Great. Awesome. Wonderful. Don't mind me while I mentally add you to my list of "guys I dated who I found out were secretly pyros and whom I can't ever see again now."
9. "I have the word 'righteous' tattooed on my inner lip."
— Dean, 26
I'm not one to judge a person's tattoos. But maybe don't open with this one? Let me find out randomly on date number six after I've had about four gin and tonics. I'll still laugh at you, though.
10. "I'm perfect."
— DeMario, 30
Look, I don't care who you are. You. Are. Not. Perfect.
Jesus himself could come down from heaven and tell me, "I'm perfect," and I would kindly remind him of that one time in the temple when he flipped all those tables for no reason.
11. "I want to live in a time 'before money was involved.'"
— Eric, 29
You know that humans using money or bartering with items goes back a couple thousand years, right? Do you really want that? REALLY?
12. "'There isn't anything I wouldn't do' for love."
— Fred, 27
Really? Not a single thing? You're down with murder?
13. "'Ice Ice Baby' is one of my favorite songs because I used to sing it at Bar Mitzvahs on stage."
— Grant, 29
I just... no. I mean no disrespect, but please leave all songs you used to sing at Bar Mitzvahs at the door. It's for your own good.
14."One of my favorite magazines is Playboy ;)"
— also Grant, 29
Oh, really? Is your favorite movie Girls Gone Wild? Is your favorite book 50 Shades of Grey? LMAO, bye.
15. "I hate it when my date is dumb."
— Iggy, 30
OK, you're going to have to define "dumb," especially if you're also going to say your favorite magazine is the Harvard Business Review.
16. "My ideal date looks like 'a model.'"
— Jamey, 32
Yeah? My ideal date looks like the seat across from me suddenly being empty. But you're still here so... we can't all have what we want.
17. "I do not have female friends."
— also Jamey, 32
This makes such a sad amount of sense. Also, not having a female support system to call you out on your bullsh*t doesn't excuse the utter insanity coming out of your mouth.
18. "My job is a tickle monster."
— Jonathan, 31
Yeah, OK, Mr. Tickle Monster. But don't come crying to me when I reflexively punch you in the face for tickling me. You've been warned.
19. "I was once known as 'Quick Draw McGraw.'"
— Kenny, 35
No, none of us are perfect... but maybe don't tell me this right away... especially if you're hoping to have sex with me. Just a thought.
20. "My ideal girl is a '7+. Looks matter for the ideal candidate.'"
— Kyle, 26
If "looks matter for the ideal candidate," then please excuse me while I close my eyes, refuse to look at you and pretend you're not there.
21. "What's my job, you ask? 'Whaboom.'"
— Lucas, 30
I don't know what this means. All I do know is I'm scared.
22. "If I could have lunch with one person, it'd be dead: Bruce Jenner, alive: Caitlyn Jenner... would be an interesting convo."
— also Lucas, 30
If there's one thing I'm not here for, it's insensitive comments about severely marginalized communities.
So literally delete your account. Delete it. Get it away from me and everyone 30 minutes ago.
23. "I don't mind being romantic, but it can show you're weak."
— Milton, 31
Wow. You are so right. Openly showing your love, gratefulness and regard for another person who makes you happy is a sign of weakness. It's definitely not at all indicative of the fact that you're secure in your emotions, in yourself, and in your ability to love another person.
I can't believe I got that wrong. My bad.
24. "I was looking at rings [for my ex] after just three months."
— Peter, 31
Now, this may just be me, but I'll say you don't know me that well after only three months. You haven't seen me with explosive diarrhea or sobbing to sad movie clips at 2:37 a.m.
So if you're trying to put a ring on it THAT fast, it better be a damn Nuvaring because I do NOT want to be stuck with you forever.