When a woman first starts dating a new man, she is assessing various traits. She may not always do so consciously, but she is looking for things about herself she wants him to compliment. She makes a mental checklist of deal-breakers:
He has a similar sense of humor and can make me laugh? Check.
He values his friendships? Check.
He’s active and adventurous? Check.
He likes to travel? Check.
He likes to have sex multiple times a day? To be determined.
What kind of man wouldn’t want a woman who likes to have lots of sex? Isn't it every guy’s dream to find a woman who wants to do it anytime, anywhere? Apparently not.
This may be the fantasy of many men, but just like any other personality trait, it depends on the individual. Some men, just like some women, are perfectly happy not having sex daily, weekly, monthly or annually. (Okay, maybe that’s stretching it, but to each their own.)
Unfortunately, stereotypes make it nearly impossible to have a delicate conversation about sex drives that don’t seem to match up to societal norms. If a man is in a relationship where he’s not getting laid enough, most would sympathize with the poor guy.
He’s just trying to get some, and his lady won’t put out. He is victimized, and she is made out to be selfish or frigid.
What happens, though, when this scenario is reversed? What if she wants to have sex more often than he does? What if a women finds herself begging for some physical attention, and worse, feeling pathetic for doing so?
What if this man becomes fed up with her continual attempts at seduction, when he’s obviously not in the mood, and tells her she is “insatiable?"
Insatiable [in-sey-shuh-buhl] (adj): not satiable; incapable of being satisfied or appeased.
It’s inane how one little adjective can take a strong, vivacious, independent woman from feeling completely confident in her sexuality to questioning her desirability. Who knew a word could be so loaded?
Calling a woman insatiable is not directed as a compliment. It implies she can never be pleased. She is a woman, she is demanding and nothing could possibly make her happy.
For those women who have come to terms with their sexualities and want to own them, it is incredibly demeaning to have their physical excitement be deemed another silly emotion.
Men are allowed the right, as much as women, to say “no” to sex. Women should be allowed the right, as much as men, to say “yes.” It's a shame that in a generation where feminism has made so many strides, a generation where the gender equality gap is continually shrinking, we still look at libidos as masculine versus feminine.
I am not suggesting on the first, or even the second, date you come out and ask your potential SO how much sex he or she likes to have.
I am, however, suggesting that looking at sexual compatibility, in regard to both quality and quantity, is something to be considered when entering a new relationship.
Some people are just not sexually compatible, and it's important to admit that in a healthy relationship, similar sex drives between lovers is important.
Women can have high sex drives while still being feminine, and men can have low sex drives while still being masculine. I implore any woman who has ever been called “insatiable” to not feel ashamed.
Maybe that individual man cannot satisfy you, but that doesn’t mean another man can't. Take some of today’s do-what-you-want feminism, and say: "I am a woman, I love sex and there is nothing wrong with me for wanting to have it all day, every day."
This self-acceptance will only help future relationships, if you can communicate your needs without feeling abashed. It’s a conversation worth having for both partners.
A man doesn’t want to feel inadequate for not being able to meet your expectations in the bedroom, anymore than you want to be filled with self-doubt for being too sexual.
Take it like not having a check on your list. Sometimes, sex is the deal-breaker.