All For The Nookie: 10 Ridiculous Things Men Do To Get Laid


It can be argued that there are large numbers of men who are driven by and function almost solely to get lady love. The very purpose of their day-to-day lives is really just courtship and foreplay.

Is it so wrong? Of course not. Love is awesome and I highly recommend it. That being said, it doesn't mean we shouldn't make snarky comments about the ridiculous things we do to get it.

So, the next time you do something, gentlemen, ask yourselves the age-old question: Did you do it all for the nookie?

1. The Man Bun

Man buns look good on some men, but when we all start doing it because women say they like it, we look like a bunch of fancy poodles walking around, trying to win the best in show.

When this fad dies, hopefully we can donate all these buns to balding men, so at least something good comes from it.

2. Dick Pics

The results are in: Dick pics are the most dick-spicable thing you can do to meet women.

Why not try something I made up called the "slick pic," which credits personality, taste and intellectual merits rather than your underwhelming penis?

It is sent in the same context as a dick pic, but will include images of the sender shaking hands with a noted dignitary, rescuing a cat from a tree or reading an important piece of literature.

3. Arm-Focused Workouts

Yeah, muscular arms are great, bro, but how are you going to carry them around if you don't work out the rest of your body?

Plus, girls like other stuff, too, like a good six pack and really sweet calves.

4. Catcalls

I get it, guys, it's hard to meet women. Sometimes, you have a lot of emotion you want to express, and when you see a pretty girl walking in your general direction, this panicked, primal urge overcomes you.

As she passes by, you don't want to miss the opportunity, but you haven't the time to construct a well-thought-out icebreaker, so all you can blurt out is a bark, whistle or verbal atrocity.

I really think you can do better than this. Let's maybe start with a smile or a kind, "hello." If she is interested, you can go from there.

5. Botox

Unless you're a celebrity, if you're an older guy who uses Botox, you're likely just trying to stay relevant with the younger girls.

There is totally nothing wrong with this; I really can't blame you. Just be warned that although it may help you look younger, you'll probably also look like a creepy cloud-faced guy.

6. Ethereal Eyebrows

There is a very well-defined scale for this; your eyebrows should land somewhere in between Bert from "Sesame Street" and Megan Fox.

When your eyebrows look better than Megan Fox's, you should let them flourish halfway back to Bert's. Otherwise, my friend, you are doing something ridiculous in the hopes that women like it.

7. Masquerading

I won't lie, I used to do this to meet women in bars all the time. I would put on an Australian accent or say I was a really great writer, and it would work wonders.

I don't know the moral point of this story, but I can tell you that pretending to be something you are not will eventually come back to bite you in the ass.

Like say, for instance, the next morning, when you try to defend your terrible written works with the goofy and unsexy Canadian accent you really have.

8. Penis Extension Surgery

The words "penis" and "surgery" should never meet in the same sentence unless the words "life" and "saving" precede them.

I haven't done days and days of extensive research on this topic or anything, but this procedure is notorious for making things worse.

9. Skinny Jeans

I tried to get into this style, but I was suffocating. It felt like my manhood was being plastered against a wall.

Maybe I was wearing them wrong? I don't know. All I can tell you is that in my opinion, I think they are slightly ridiculous.

10. Yoga

Men aren't supposed to do yoga. We're not supposed to be that flexible, healthy and at peace. We're meant to become stoic beer lovers who watch sports and eat meat and potatoes.

Admit it, you're in that yoga class because you're one of three other men in a room full of fit girls in spandex.

I'm totally just playing around. Yoga is actually a great way to meet women.