The more relationships we have, the longer the unwritten list of reasons we've been rejected.
We bury these reasons in our heads. We tell our friends the absurd reasons people have dumped us.
As much as we'd like to pretend that these statements don't affect us, they're little stabs. We move forward, but we carry these wounds into our next relationship.
Here are the reasons I often feel like I'm undateable, and why I'll never change.
1. I want to spend too much time alone.
As an only child and an introvert, I cherish the time I spend with myself.
I am a busy woman trying to balance a full-time job and a personal business, along with outside passions and hobbies. I do not have a lot of free time to spend with other people, so I am judicial with who I choose to spend it with.
Usually, this means I put myself first. Whether it's indulging in a marathon of my favorite television show, reading a book, or writing while sipping a cup of my favorite local coffee blend.
Our relationship will suffer if I can't retain some independence. The time I spend alone is necessary for my sanity, but also yours.
I do not want to be with you every moment of the day, nor do I need to be in contact with you 24/7. I don't want us to be the couple that's always together. I think it's beneficial for people to have identities outside of their relationship.
Spending time apart will add depth to our conversations and make the time we spend together that much more worthwhile.
2. I struggle with emotional intimacy.
Although my words flow effortlessly on paper, my vocalization is not so expressive.
In a previous relationship, I dated a guy who treated me more like a trophy than a person. The compliments and flowers didn't satisfy my mind. His version of romance became overbearing and undesirable—we just weren't compatible.
In another dating scenario, I quickly learned that any display of emotion was unacceptable. If I so much as tried to broach an intimate topic, or tried to delve deeper into who he was, I was shut down. He would cross his arms, take a deep breath, and not respond.
So, somewhere along the way, I've learned to bottle my emotions. I want to initiate that kiss with you, but I doubt you'll be receptive, so I won't try. I want to tell you how attractive you are, but my words don't feel genuine.
I'm not an overly romantic person, but I do believe it is a basic condition for us all to feel loved. Not everyone is compatible with the degrees of love and levels of emotional intimacy that we need as individuals.
3. I'm a writer, so I'll write about you.
I've probably already started doing it, but I won't tell you about it... yet. I guess this further supports Reason #2.
I have a blog that focuses on my experiences with sex and people I've dated. I am cautious in writing about you publicly, but have no doubt that I take note of how you make me feel.
I admire your intelligence and how I don't always understand the words emanating from your lips, but it ignites me. It turns me on.
I write about places you've taken me, the words you've said and how they make me feel. I write about the way you take me to bed, and how you draw me closer on Sunday mornings. Even if our story comes to an end, I will continue to write about you, just as I have written about others. This is a reality that not everyone is open to accepting.
4. I want to take pictures.
I've been with men who refused to smile in photographs, or would walk in the other direction when I switched on my camera to take a selfie.
For me, a picture is more than just a post to social media.
There was a point in my life when I felt photography could be my future career path. I dreamt of being a White House photographer, and capturing all the intimate moments that the public never see.
I still enjoy being behind the camera, but at this point in my life, I don't believe it's what I want to pursue as my career.
Instead, I take photos because I love photography. I want to photograph things that make you feel. In my relationships, that means us, and whatever adventures we embark on.
About a year ago, I purchased a Fujifilm Instax camera for about $100. It's the modern day version of a Polaroid.
I want to snap polaroids with you. I want something tangible to go along with our memories. I want to be able to open an album with you and say, "Remember when," and laugh, cry, and reflect with you.
5. I'm crazy.
This seems to be the most common comment I receive, and frankly, I own it. I'm weird and I always have been. I'm comfortable with that, and I think that scares people a little.
I've been told early on in relationships that I'm the "good kind of crazy", which I translate to passionate. That's the overall perspective I take when receiving this remark. I find comfort knowing that someone out there is just as "good crazy" as I am.
Despite these seemingly "imperfect" pieces of myself, for someone, this list of quirks will be precisely the reason he loves me.
There will be someone who wants you for all of the same reasons the wrong people rejected you.