I Will Never Cook For You: 50 Reasons No Man Will Ever Marry Me
The concept of marriage has always been funny to me -- well, more enigmatic than funny. I can't imagine being stuck doing a bunch of things with the same person for the rest of my life.
But the problem is deeper than that. What is it about having a godforsaken wedding band on our fingers that legitimizes the entire essence of our womanhood?
Why should I have to change certain things about myself to appease someone else? I am the way I am, and I just can't help that.
If there's anything my experiences have taught me, half of the world's female population is just more “wifey” material than the other half (think Blake Lively and Taylor Swift).
They cook. They bake. They actually enjoy spending time around the mini mongrels that society likes to call “children.” But the other half of the world's women are, well, different.
They're the BAMFs who don't let antiquated societal norms dictate who they are as women.
They aren't wives, and they aren't moms, but they still know how to rock life out with their cocks out; they just do it in a fresh, forward-moving kind of way (think Katy Perry).
Don't get me wrong; I'm not shaming wives and moms. I'm simply defending the women who can't see themselves taking on these roles.
After some introspection, I've realized that I'm a Katy Perry, not a Taylor Swift -- and there isn't one thing “wrong” about that.
On more than one occasion, I've been told that I am not “marriage material,” and after having been accused enough of this, I've taught myself not to take it personally.
Maybe I will get married one day. Maybe I just haven't met a man manly enough to handle all of my Sheena-ness. Or, maybe my Sheena-ness is too much to be contained in a healthy marriage.
As I approach my mid-20s, I find myself wondering if it's me or if it's bad luck. And if it is me, I can't do much about that -- nor would I want to.
1. I can't cook.
2. I don't want to learn how to cook.
3. F*ck it -- you'll end up cooking for both of us.
4. I'm messy.
5. If you don't want to hire a nanny, you're not going to wed me.
6. I have absolutely no desire to meet your mom.
7. I have absolutely no desire to come second to your mom.
8. I still make “that's what she said” jokes.
9. We can't go anywhere without seeing a guy I've hooked up with.
10. I prefer my space.
11. I'm a straight-up crazy bitch.
12. *Crazy* runs in my genes, and I wouldn't want to pass that on to our poor children.
13. I NEVER want our parental selves to go through what my mom went through in raising me.
14. I don't really care for diamonds; I'm more of a “feed me cake” kind of girl.
15. I'll flirt with your friends.
16. .... that is, if I haven't hooked up with them already.
17. Having sex multiple times a week is overwhelming to me.
18. Not having enough sex is even more overwhelming to me.
19. I kick the people who've made the unwise decision to share a bed with me.
20. I'm terrible at being “sexy.”
21. I don't like to entertain; I like to be entertained.
22. I won't shave my legs for you every day.
23. I repeat: The razor is not my friend.
24. I don't believe lust can last forever.
25. I have a visceral reaction to wearing white.
26. In fact, I can't wear white at all.
27. I don't want to drop a sh*t-ton of cash on planning a wedding.
28. I go to weddings only for the open bars.
29. ... and to scout out potential lovers (I can't help that I always keep one eye open).
30. I will blow all of the money you make on clothes and shoes for myself.
31. Sometimes married people get divorced. That possibility scares the sh*t out of me.
32. How can I open up to you when I can barely open up to myself?
33. I can't imagine sleeping with the same person forever.
34. I like to drink.
35. I still spend a full day of my weekend too hungover to leave my bed.
36. I cannot and will not stay sober for NINE MONTHS.
37. I won't stay home and be one of those doting moms; I'm a workaholic.
38. I HATE children (demons, all of them. Filthy little demons).
39. If we did have kids, I wouldn't help them with their school projects.
40. I refuse to make the bed every morning because there's no f*cking point.
41. I AM NOT DOING ANYTHING BUTT-RELATED WITH YOU. EVER.
42. I talk to myself.
43. I talk too much.
44. Sometimes I don't talk at all.
45. I like to write about my feelings more than I like to talk about them.
46. I like to receive more than I like to give.
47. Sometimes, I don't give a flying f*ck what I look like. Don't expect Angelina Jolie up in here.
48. Because I work at Elite Daily.
49. Because I wrote this article and shared it with the Internet.
50. And because I'm a selfish, unapologetic woman, and I'm sorry that I'm not sorry.
The last thing a woman should ever do is feel remorse for the baddest qualities that make her who she is.
Embrace yourself -- not just as a whole, but as the sum of all your quirks and individualities. And if that happens to leave you out of the “wifey material” group, well, then so be it, dammit.
