I Tried Nipple Stimulating Cream And It Kind Of Traumatized Me

My nipples are sensitive AF. I think a lot of girls are all about having their nipples stimulated. It intensifies everything. Give my nipple play or give me death, I always say.

OK, I don't always say that, but you get the point.

The nips are a known erogenous zone. There are a lot of nerves up in those nipples of yours, ladies. If you're not getting it with the nips, have bae tweak them, suck on them or grab them yourself. Because I'm telling you, that shiz is dope.

So when I was offered some nipple stimulating cream to try out, I thought, "MORE NIPS?! MORE ACTION FOR MY NIPS?!" Count me in, bro. SEND ME THAT SH*T.

"Olivia," the lady-named nipple cream from Luz de la Riva, has a fun and flirty feel to it. The case has sexy naked women on it, but not in a gross way. It's like a watercolor painting from the 1920s. It sort of feels like a boutique purchase -- except that the thing I'm buying is not a vintage three-toned fur, but cream for my boobies. Très chic, no?

The ingredients are all natural, and I'm all about all natural shiz. It's sugar, sunflower oil, methyl (that explains the tingle, bro) and vegetable oil.

Now, how this is supposed to translate to nipple stimulation is beyond me.

Celine Rahman

The stuff comes out chunky and mushy not unlike baby poop. The flavor is mint chocolate chip. It smells like a really cheap brownie, like the kind you get at a 7/11 with all the rainbow sprinkles and Yellow No. 5. It is not the worst smell, but it is definitely not pleasant. It would have been better if the product were flavorless.

The back of the box describes the product as "divine and provocative," but mint chocolate chip does not scream "TAKE ME SAVAGELY." It more reminds me of being five and chasing down the ice cream truck and eating the sh*t out of those crappy but delicious frozen treats.

Celine Rahman

I decided to taste it. Because if it's nipple cream and it's flavored like mint chocolate chip than it has to be edible. And if it's edible, then you're probably supposed to lick it.

Oh, it is definitely edible. It's sweet but also f*cking gross. The eucalyptus in the product made my tongue tingle. I was really not into that. Only the dentist should make your mouth semi-numb.

Celine Rahman

I rubbed the baby poop stuff into my hands, and voila! It did eventually become clear, like massage oil. But it's so greasy. If I this got in my hair, I would have a meltdown.

My boyfriend wanted nothing to do with any of these shenanigans once I shoved the thing under his nose. He shook his head and said, "No, NO, NOOOO, NO," very much like an angry five-year-old refusing to eat his broccoli. He was physically repulsed by the smell, which I don't think is supposed to happen, but c'est la vie. I was now on my own on this crazy path of mint-chocolate stimulation.

I decided to do the actual testing in nothing but a silk kimono my mother brought me from Japan. I mean, if I'm going to stimulate my nipples with a cream that smells like a cosmic brownie, I'd better do it in style.

When you rub this shiz into your nipples, it does, indeed, stimulate them. It isn't like you'd imagine in some sick fantasy where putting it on would be akin to strapping nipple clamps to your chest (just me?), but the menthol does warm the nipples and make them tingle slightly. It isn't very intense. The sensation is very subtle.

I was mostly just pissed off, because I smelled like a cheap, store bought, prepackaged dessert. My nips were also oily, which I was not a fan of. I needed a shower. But, dear readers, if you're trying to get the juices flowing, I guess I see the appeal.

I wouldn't use this stuff again because for me, I'm not looking to have a badly flavored cream gently rubbed into my areolas, you know? I'm trying to get those nips seriously f*cked with. Like with a mouth. Or some fingers.

But if you're trying to have some tantric massage, it isn't the worst thing in the world ... as long as you plug your nose.