We've all encountered jerks in disguise. They proclaim to be nice guys, but they suddenly reveal themselves to be anything but. It's really confusing.
So, how can you tell if the guy you just started dating is genuinely a good guy, or if he's hiding his true douchebag side?
This topic came up for me recently after a few dates with a seemingly nice guy. He had all of the characteristics: He was empathic. He didn't seem to expect anything in return for just being nice to me. He was sensitive, and he actually listened when I spoke.
But soon, all the respect I had built for him vanished in an instant when he finally showed me his true colors.
With actual players, you know what you're getting into: They are more upfront about being jerks. But impostor nice guys will make you question all of your decisions and believe that you're going totally crazy. Then, they'll leave you.
I'm here to tell you that you're not crazy: You were simply misled.
Could it have been too good to be true? It's very possible. But in the end, we can all learn from our experiences with those jerks in disguise.
Here are just a few signs to look out for:
1. He whines when you're busy.
I know you get flattered that this guy wants to spend every free moment with you. But what about your own life? What happens when you get too busy to hang out whenever it's convenient for him?
A great guy will be able to express disappointment. He'll tell you that he'll miss you.
And that's OK. Relationships should make you feel wanted and loved. You want someone who wants to spend time with you.
But beware of the guy who makes you feel bad for having your own life. This is the guy who will whine and give you the cold shoulder. He might even guilt trip you into choosing to hang out with him. That's not what a relationship is about.
You should never feel guilty for wanting to do you. Ever.
2. He talks badly about his exes.
Beware of the guy who talks shit about his exes. If he blames only them for the breakups and refuses to take any responsibility, it's likely that he'll do the same thing to you once you break up.
There are always two sides to every story. A guy who constantly paints himself as the victim in every single breakup is likely not telling the whole truth. He either truly believes he wasn't at fault – which means he can't admit when he's wrong – or he's a liar.
Either way, he's not the guy for you.
3. He actually tells you that he's a good guy.
Actual nice guys don't walk around, patting themselves on the back for being such upstanding guys. They are actually humble about being nice.
A great guy does not have a list of reasons explaining why he's a nice guy; his actions and behaviors show you his true nature.
Great guys are simply themselves.
They don't need to convince you of anything because they don't want anything from you.
They don't need to TELL you anything. They simply show you.
4. He makes a bunch of future plans.
The nice guy in disguise will lead you on with all these fantastic plans he wants the both of you to experience. He might suggest traveling together, or he might fool you by mentioning future dates the two of you will go on.
But then, he'll never follow through. No genuine guy brags about all the adventures he plans on taking you on. Most of them just surprise you. However, a jerk in disguise is trying to shield his true nature with a smokescreen full of plans that he has no intention of actually fulfilling.
These douchebags may honestly not know that they come across as jerks. And personally, I refuse to believe that nice guys don't exist.
They do, and they're the ones you end up with. They are our future husbands, and once we find them, they will stay with us for the long haul.
So, the next time you go on a date with a seemingly nice guy, beware of these tell-tale signs of a jerk in disguise.