We're all guilty of fantasizing about having sex with a former lover from time to time.
If you don't think about your ex in any way at any given time and have completely disconnected yourself from them without being in a new relationship or having a new flavor of the month, then I give you props and would like you to show me your magical, sorcerous ways.
Being that I am single and occasionally bored, I am most definitely guilty of thinking about my ex. It's not in an “Oh, I want you back” *NSYNC type of way, but rather in a "Well, maybe I should text him at 2 am and see what happens since I've exhausted all my options on Bumble" type of way.
I'm only human, and we all have needs. So, don't judge me as if you're somehow immune and perfect.
Once upon a time, I thought I was an emotionless superhuman and decided to test out the theory. And honestly, the only thing I learned is, sex with your ex ain't nothing but a mess.
Here are the reasons why:
1. Being intimate can reignite feelings.
It doesn't matter how long it's been because your friends are right. Don't do it.
You might think you're "over it," but the truth is, having sex with your ex can most definitely bring back feelings you weren't looking to re-experience. At first, it can be just a fun “booty call,” but more often than not, after a few sessions of sleeping together, you'll enter a gray area of feels, which can cloud your judgment.
If you're having sex with other people and it's not exclusive, you risk creating drama for yourself. If you're having sex with other people, why are you seeking out your ex again, anyway?
I get that it could be exciting (or you have ulterior motives of getting back together), but if they find out you're sleeping with other people at the same time, there's a good chance you're going to piss them off. The same can be said about you.
I'm a pretty chill person and let a lot of things slide, but I definitely wouldn't be stoked if I slept with an ex and found out the next day they slept with somebody else. I think I would egg his car or her car or both of their cars out of frustration, or I'd smack an egg against my head for being so stupid to begin with.
So even if you think it's emotionless and "no biggie," things can get confusing. Certain expectations can come with being intimate with an ex, so it's probably best if you don't do it.
2. You can get attached.
There is no drug more dangerous than good sex. I know couples and pairs who stay in relationships that are toxic just because the sex is too damn good. Having sexual chemistry takes a lot of time and effort, which is why we're more inclined to gravitate toward someone we have familiarity with.
But, it's important to remember that good sex with an ex can be a double-edged sword. If you had pure, lust-worthy, mind-blowing sex with your ex, you risk re-building an attachment to the physical part of your relationship. This can hinder your ability to find someone new.
If you want to move on and potentially meet someone and share in that experience with them, you can't get caught up in the comfort of sex you've come to know and love.
3. You become vulnerable again.
Oh, really? Tell me more about the fact you have zero feelings and can have just no-strings-attached sex with your ex. If you think that, you're delusional.
I'm not saying it doesn't happen and there aren't exceptions to the rule, but generally speaking, one person in the situation is most definitely feeling something. Having sex means that to some degree, you have to be vulnerable and expose yourself to some extent. Whether it's mentally or physically, exploring what you had with a former lover is emotional.
I'm not saying that just because you're sleeping with them, you're in love, but we tend to overlook the aftermath. After exposing yourself to someone you used to feel strongly about, you'll have to deal with everything on an emotional, physical or mental level.
4. They might get the wrong impression.
So, let's be real: We live in an age where communication is an ancient language, and we don't talk about things. We just pretend and believe everyone can read our minds and understands where we're coming from.
So, when it comes to having sex with an ex, you assume they know it means it's just sex and nothing else. But, here's the thing: Sometimes, they have zero idea what you're thinking, and they might think you're into them again.
Next thing you know, you're in a relationship you didn't even know you signed up for, and you stumble upon their toothbrush stealthily stashed in your medicine cabinet. Do you see how that can go from zero to a 100 real quick?
That's why unless you have a no-bullshit, straight-forward communication policy, sex with an ex is a no-go.
Emotions or no emotions aside, there are plenty of fish in the sea, which is why you shouldn't toy with the idea of being able to conquer emotionless sex with your ex.
Even if you're an outlier or exception to the emotional rule, as a wise man once told me, “Why would you have sex with an ex when you can have amazing sex with someone else?”