When I was in middle school, I wrote in my diary that I could not wait to get to high school.
I was excited to get to do things like wait by my locker for my boyfriend and then walk to class with him.
It wasn't until I actually got to high school that I realized finding a boyfriend was incredibly hard, and there was no way in hell I was waiting around for someone else to walk me to class.
That's mostly because I slept in and got to school right as the bell rang, but I also didn't (and still don't) have the patience to wait for someone.
If I did have a boyfriend, I would just meet him in class.
My idea of what was romantic now seem awkward, embarrassing and if they were to actually happen in reality, horrific.
I have compiled a list of the five things I'd like to apologize to myself for ever wanting in a relationship, all thanks to the movies:
1. A boy coming to my window unannounced.
I blame Lloyd Dobler for this one.
I spent countless nights in my room wishing to randomly find my crush standing outside my window playing “In Your Eyes” on a boombox. Then, he would whisk me away on a romantic adventure.
It's only now that I'm realizing how terrifying it would be to just see a boy standing outside my window out of nowhere.
I mean, having a second-story room adds a little more romance to the idea. But as a girl in a one-story house, I would dream so often of just seeing a boy standing there.
The thought of that happening now is something out of a horror movie.
Imagine you're just in your room, and you see a man standing there, watching you. It's not cool.
I recently had my landlord send over a guy to fix our roof, and my roommate forgot to inform us. Walking into my room to see a man standing right there was the most terrifying thing I've ever seen.
I hid in the bathroom for an hour with a butter knife in my hands until my roommate finally told me it was OK.
Melissa Etheridge got it wrong. Please do not come to my window.
2. Singing me a song.
I go back and forth on this one, but ultimately, I have decided that having my crush write and perform a song just for me would not be as romantic as I imagined.
Let's face it: We all think we're better singers than we actually are. With my dumb luck, he will most likely not know how to sing.
And if he happens to be a good singer, where do I look when he's singing to me?
I feel uncomfortable when I'm at a concert and don't know the song the band is playing. I wouldn't know this song.
Do I just smile and stare into his eyes for however long the song is? What if I hate it?
I'm one of those people that can't hide my emotions. If I hate it, it's going to show.
I'd rather just avoid the whole awkward situation.
3. Two guys fighting over me.
Honestly, I would love it if I had two gorgeous, wonderful guys fighting over me.
Imagine being Bridget Jones. At first, she had Colin Firth and Hugh Grant fighting over her. Yummy.
And now, she has Colin Firth and Patrick Dempsey. Yummy, yummy.
I've always thought about how dreamy it would be to have two guys both wanting me, but honestly, think of the stress.
Oh god, I can barely handle picking out where I want to go for lunch. If I had to choose between two men, and I didn't know which one I liked more, I would be so stressed.
Also, this is real life. And in real life, let's face it: You're probably settling for both.
If there's not one clear winner, neither is worth your time.
4. A man to carry me.
I always thought it would be so dreamy to have a man carry me in his arms.
That is, until I realized the minute he lifted me off the ground, he would know how much I weigh.
I'm a lot heavier than I look, so I cannot imagine the embarrassment of having the man I love try and be romantic by lifting me in the air and immediately struggling.
Oh god, can you imagine? The minute he tries to adjust because I'm tiring him, I would just hope he drops me right off a cliff so I would be less mortified.
The idea is nice, but the execution is not happening.
5. One of us is dying.
This one is probably the most embarrassing to admit since I'm pretty sure it makes me a monster... but movies really made me want to be a in a relationship where one of us was dying.
Nothing was more romantic than watching Landon Carter fall in love with Jamie Sullivan in "A Walk To Remember," only to find out she was dying and then do everything he could to fulfill her bucket list.
I just wanted someone to be there for me and stick with me as I was nearing the end of my life. I'm a monster!
I think when I was younger, I had visions of death being dreamy before I actually dealt with anyone close to me dying.
But losing someone you love is literally the worst thing in the world. If it was my one true love who died, fuck that noise. I couldn't handle it.
I know, I know. My younger self was delusional AF when it came to romance. But I have grown!
So, please forgive me for ever thinking any of these things were romantic.
Movies really messed me up, but now I'm more aware of the real world and real expectations.
I would say the most romantic things for me now are when a guy knows not to look at me while I'm eating ramen like a pig, responds to texts in an appropriate amount of time and remembers to buy toilet paper before we run out.
Please just give me that dream man.