Why Your Boyfriend's Masturbation Habits Have Nothing To Do With You

by Gigi Engle
Celine Rahman

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Question from the reader:

I've been dating my boyfriend for a couple of months. It's been going smoothly so far.

We're very sexually compatible. Last night, I woke up to find him masturbating. It seemed like he was sleeping. I was confused and hurt that he didn't try to involve me. When I reached out and asked him what was going on, he had no idea what I was talking about.

I asked him if he knew he was jerking off the night before. He said he was asleep and was super confused and annoyed. We made a joke out of it because he doesn't believe me when I said he was jerking off in his sleep.

I know it's relatively small and I should just move on, but I can't help but feel hurt that I wasn't involved or that he didn't really acknowledge the whole thing.

— Kat

Hi Kat,

Thanks for reaching out with your question! I'm happy to weigh in.

Let's assume your boyfriend wasn't asleep when he was masturbating because if he WAS asleep, you really can't be mad. I mean he was ASLEEP, so he has no control over what he does.

My boyfriend once punched me in the face during a nightmare. It's not like he did it on purpose, you know? He may have been having a very sexy dream and his body was just reacting.

We all have sex dreams, it's just part of the human condition. We're so overexposed to porn, sexy magazine covers and movies that our subconscious minds run wild. It has nothing to do with you, babe. It's essentially the same as sleepwalking. He may have even been dreaming about you.

So, let's talk about the other option: He wasn't asleep and was just jerking off. Because if he was jerking off while awake, he was in control of his actions.

First, let me tell you I understand why you're feeling insecure. It's a rocky road being in a new relationship (or even a long-term relationship, honestly). You want to feel wanted.

I totally get why you'd be upset to find him jerking off, especially since you were at his place at the time.

The thing is, masturbating is completely normal even if you're in a relationship. Some people think tat it's cheating to masturbate when you're dating someone, but this just isn't true.

Self-love is totally normal. Sex is amazing, of course, but sometimes you just want to rub, tug, get off and be done with it.

I know you feel embarrassed and annoyed that you weren't included, but as long as his masturbation habits aren't interfering with YOUR sex life, I wouldn't worry about it. I still have dates with my vibrator and I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years.

There is no wrong way to experience sex and pleasure, as long as the actual intercourse isn't being disrupted. Do you get what I mean?

As for the acknowledgement of the whole thing, my guess is that he's probably embarrassed that you caught him masturbating. You haven't been together that long, so I'm sure it was kind of awkward for him. It's normal to get defensive when you're caught doing something slightly taboo.

I get that it's hard, but you really should just let it go and move on. It's not a big deal, I promise. It's totally normal. In fact, I would suggest getting a vibrator (if you don't already have one) and have a little masturbation session yourself.

It's important to masturbate. It's good for your health and your stress levels. It helps you get centered.

You're the queen of your own pleasure, and you should feel free to explore your body. And so should your boyfriend.

Don't worry about this incident. It's not a reflection of your relationship or how much this guy likes you. He wasn't jerking off because he doesn't think you're sexy, he's just a normal human person.

I hope this helps, bb.

Yours in lust, XOXO Auntie Gigi

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