I’m speaking to the woman who stays overly committed to the idea of someone totally wrong for her, or worse, to someone who has burned her countless times, all out of fear of losing that person.
NEWSFLASH: Losing him may be the best thing that’s ever happened to you, or in the very least, if you two find you cannot live without each other, he will come crawling back with more respect, devotion and perspective than ever before.
The other best-case scenario is that he does come crawling back, but by that time, you don’t want him anymore and you get to happily skip away and get ready for your next fabulous outing with friends, or your new beau.
The tough part is that there is no way of knowing which will happen until you take the risk and LEAVE. All of this indecisive behavior only limits the love and appreciation you must have for yourself, before anyone will have that love for you.
It also blocks the real love of your life from showing up. The truth is, you have no idea what’s in store for your future if you keep hanging on to the past, or worse, a mediocre present.
He Means What He Says
If he’s asking you to leave, directly, or indirectly your choice is always easy: leave! Sometimes it is that simple and a man clearly breaks things off with you.
His reasons don’t matter at this point; you owe it to yourself to listen and move on. Except for extreme, egotistical players, a man generally means what he says. Don’t twist it into anything more, for better or worse.
Take it at face value and make moves from your heart. For example, if the man you’ve been dating for a few months suddenly falls off the face of the earth, be upfront with him. Ask what’s going on, or why he’s been distant and listen to the answer, taking real cues from what he says.
Is it all work stress? Suggest a fun date night, or weekend away to get his mind off things. If he can’t give you a direct answer, his distance may be directly related to you and doubts he’s having about you two getting close.
This is not a bad thing! If anything, he’s just being cautious or needs some space to see what’s next for him in this union. Give him that space; don’t pepper him with questions and ultimatums with the hope that he will simply bend to what you’ve decided a relationship means.
The good news? You get to enjoy the same space you’ve offered him. Don’t just give him space and wait. Make REAL space by doing your own thing, hanging with friends and giving thought to the type of relationship you would like to have, whether it's with him, or not.
You don’t have to be free every time he calls, texts, wants to hang out, needs you to pick up his dog from the vet, pops by, etc.
Your hobbies, goals, career, friends and family all hold a very important place in your life, so enjoy them! Create activities, hang out with friends and focus on absolutely crushing an upcoming project at work.
Your man will be more than happy to grab some dates when you are free, mesh both your worlds and eventually become a more important part of your calendar.
Being busy only works if you are actually busy. If you want a successful relationship with your special guy, you must have a life of your own. I always say the best relationships come from two truly independent people who decide to take on life together.
I know this goes against every Hallmark card you’ve ever read about “soul mates” and “finding your other half,” but in today’s instantly gratifying world, we all need our own lives, interests, goals and ambitions to offer into a union.
How incredibly boring is it to watch one side of a relationship completely morph into the other person? Yawn.
Let’s take responsibility for our dreams and favorite things and focus on what makes us happiest. Then we can decide if Mr. Right makes our fabulous solo life better, in which case a commitment can be welcomed and much more fun.
Stop posting INCESSENTLY to social media.
Yeah, I said it. It’s as simple as dipping french fries into ketchup. Mystery, ladies! Social media is a fun way to keep up with friends, old and new, but when you’re dating someone new or breaking up with someone, it can be the most dangerous thing.
Before you know it, you’re constantly checking in and sharing quotes with Marilyn’s face and "liking" everything, with absolutely no awareness that it all directly relates to your current flame. Step away from the screen and ask yourself, before every post, “Who does this post spend my energy on?”
Think of your time and energy (and posts) as currency, and you’re only allowed a certain amount of money per day. Every time you share a mediocre joke on Facebook that you subconsciously know you only think is funny because so would your guy, don't waste your money.
Be honest with yourself and text the “most perfect quote that totally describes what you’re feeling” to your best friend instead. The key to making him miss you, is to be gone and busy, and living your amazing life without him.
Plus, I’m sure 90 percent of us could do with a little less time plugged-in. Oh, and this should go without saying, but don’t friend request the new guy yet, and delete your ex.
It not only keeps your feed full of things you want to read, it also sends a clear message that you are truly leaving, which is the most important aspect.
Call/text if you WANT to call/text*
*DISCLAIMER: This is not an excuse to call constantly.
If you have something of value to say, a question to ask or plans to confirm, then do so. It’s responsible, polite and keeps your calendar orderly.
You are by no way bound by a list of “rules” as to how many days to wait to call, or any nonsense about how the man should always call first.
That being said, BE HONEST with yourself, and if you are only calling to try to hear if there are girls in the background, or wait until he suggests a date spot or to cry hysterically and beg him to say all the right things to make your tears rest, then STOP right where you are and smash your phone against the wall because you’re being crazy.
Trust the person you’re with and the choice you’ve made in being with him. If you can’t, it’s time to leave.
More importantly, if you’ve already told him you’re leaving, stay gone. This is the time to delete his number, or save it under something like, “DON’T,” and do not text, call, send smoke signals or message him on any social media.
You made a choice to leave the relationship, and it’s important you remember why you decided this. Exercise your willpower muscles in moments of weakness. The minute you break up with someone and explain why is the same moment you must commit to taking that journey.
Backtracking and falling into old habits only makes your views and ideas seem weak, or misunderstood. The next time you make a big declaration to leave, the person won’t take you seriously.
This isn't to say you will never speak to this person again, or even get back together, but if you are already at the point of telling the other person you wish to part ways, something inside of you wants to.
The only way to truly know is to stay committed to your choice, giving you ample time and space to find out what’s best for you. I can guarantee your ex will never be the person to help you through the breakup.
Know Who You Are
The truest statement I can share is that they always come back. ALWAYS. It may take, days, months or even years, but when you stand your ground and respectfully walk away, they eventually follow you back in one form or another.
They will miss you, wonder what you’re up to and why you are so fine without them. The key is to never WAIT for the comeback. You can’t leave with a secret wish that in doing so he will come back.
You have to accept this as truth and move on, being your amazing self, knowing this is the absolute end. It sucks, and it hurts, but beginning the process of moving on is far more important than keeping yourself or the relationship in limbo.
At the point of his return, it will be a matter of if you are still interested and find the relationship worth pursuing again. Secret Tip: The right man for you won’t need long to clean up his act and be right back at your side.
Just know why you’re gone, why you need to stay gone and it may be hard to do, but your future self will thank you for the respect and courage.
By offering yourself love and respect, when the best man for you comes along (or comes back along), he will have a better understanding of you and what you want out of your own life, and the relationship. Conversations will be clearer, and fights and arguments will become productive, not petty.
Learning all about what makes you tick makes it far easier for someone else to enter your life and stay, enriching both your lives and relationship for the better.