I Was Led On By My Best Guy Friend, And It Totally Ruined Our Relationship

by Lindsay Tarr
Fox Searchlight Pictures

Picture this: You're sharing a couch with your best friend. Things may be casual, but you start to notice him inching closer or making subtle gestures to touch you "by accident" (or maybe on purpose). Then, out of nowhere, he makes a move.

You're probably one of the following: welcoming of his pursuits, wondering what the f*ck is going on or feeling completely grossed out that your seemingly platonic best friend is groping you. But when it happened to me, I think I was somewhat of a combination of the three.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to feel. Surely I'm not the only one who has ever experienced this.

I've probably spent hours online, researching and trying to find an answer for a scenario like mine. But, I have yet to find one. (Or at least, I have yet to find anything definitive.)

So I thought, “Why not write about it?” Let's start with the basics of my thought process.

Have I ever thought about dating this person in the future? Sure, I'm human. But, I never really considered it.

Nothing has ever happened to make me think we are anything other than buds. We flirt and we joke, but we do this more in a love-hate relationship type of way. Not a “Oh wow, he likes me” type of way.

All these years of being friends, and not once has he made a move? Nope. What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to interpret his intentions?

The answer should be obvious. But still, I'm left wondering.

I never let myself develop feelings for this person because it wasn't realistic. How could I expect something more from someone who just wants to kick back and watch movies with me on a random Tuesday night? I didn't want to be that girl with the wild feelings.

Are we supposed to date now? Are we supposed to be friends with benefits? (Though, that makes no sense because all we did was kiss. That was the extent of it.)

Then, the next day, it was like nothing ever happened. It felt like he just forgot. This left me in an unpredictable predicament.

We've all heard the story: Boy meets girl. They become friends. Perhaps they even become best friends. They secretly love each other at all the wrong times. They go off to college, and they date other people.

Then, eventually, somewhere along the line, something magical happens. Boom: There they are. They're married, 12 years later, with two kids and a black lab. That would be something, wouldn't it?

But does it ever really happen that way? Does every story end up like the one in "When Harry Met Sally?"

I mean, when I really think about it, I guess there have been times when we have been on “dates.” Maybe I didn't even realize it. All of those outings to the movies and to restaurants could have been dates. Whenever I asked if anyone else wanted to come along, he would give me some excuse as to why we had to go alone.

He's taken me home to play rounds upon rounds of Phase 10 with his family. We cuddle on the couch. We Snapchat daily. We text each other the kissy face emojis. He even offered to make a pit stop to visit me in college on his way to spring break.

But then, he flakes. Do we recognize a common theme here?

My reaction, once again, is “WTF is this?” I literally could not even tell you. I'm confused AF.

This back and forth “thing” is exhausting, mentally and emotionally. How am I supposed to remain the calm, cool, collected chick when I'm constantly trying to distinguish between flirty banter and just being one of the bros? I'll say it again: It's exhausting.

Now, I'm not one to make a move. I'm a straight-up pussy when it comes to this kind of stuff. Because I have anxiety, I'm afraid of everything. But what am I supposed to do when it's clear that this isn't moving forward? Do I sit around, hoping, wishing and waiting? F*ck that, dude.

Guys, man up and get your sh*t together. Otherwise, in Jay Z's words, I'm “on to the next one.”

Maybe I'm being passively ghosted. WTF does he actually want from me?

I'm a black and white person. I need things laid out clearly in front of me. I can't have things all jaded and in weird shades of gray. Then, I'm left confused as sh*t. Hell, even when things are perfectly laid out in front of me, I'm still confused.

The only way for me to figure things out is through communication. I know if I'm not comfortable communicating this with him, maybe we aren't as good of friends as I thought.

So, as you can only imagine through my rant, relationships are hard as sh*t for me to decipher, especially when things are practically straight out of Katy Perry's “Hot N Cold.”

Why do I care? Have I loved him all along and just been too afraid to admit it to myself? Am I just being impatient?

But really, in hindsight, we never fit. We were two completely different puzzle pieces that refused to piece together. If you push too hard, someone is inevitably going to break. I'm pretty sure it was me who broke.

Sometimes, when you want something so badly, you're masked with rose-colored glasses. Then, they suddenly fall from your face, and you see what you're really left with.

So, I asked myself, “Is this the person I want to love?” Someone who consistently flakes and will never tell me how he's feeling? Is that what “friends” are for? To leave you confused and guessing?

When I had to think about it, I knew I had my clear answer: Maybe he never really liked me at all.

Maybe this whole time, he's only been my friend because he's seen me as a piece of ass, something worth conquering and bragging to all of his buddies about. But, he never saw me as worth anything more.

“The sheer stress of it all takes all the joy out of being friends. It makes it dirty and dishonest.” Ain't that some sh*t.

All I know for sure is, I'm open to giving my heart not just to love, but to better friendships and the future.

But “friend,” I can't do it with someone like you. You've messed with my head and heart for far too long. Maybe you didn't do it intentionally, but you did it. I'm sorry, but I have nothing left to give you, kid. I'm done with the hoping, wishing and waiting.

I want real friendships and real love. Someone out there is going to love me more than you did. He won't leave me hanging by a thread.