If Dating Was Like Investing, Would You Be An Investor Or A Stock?

by Emily Chu

Like many things in this world, relationships form complex systems that are difficult to understand and almost impossible to predict.

However, there are general guidelines to complex systems that we can apply to relationships to make them easier for our simple minds to grasp.

The stock market is one of the more popular complex systems today, which we can use for this purpose.

By dissecting the behaviors, movements and roles that occur in the stock market, we may be able to better understand why we are attracted to certain types of people, why certain people are attracted to us, how we can improve our strategies and who we are, hypothetically, best suited for in varying life circumstances.

We might even, dare I say, forecast with a certain degree of certainty the messy trajectory of our all-too-human hearts.

Using this model, here’s how we can think about relationships:

In each relationship, one person is predominantly the Investor while the other is predominantly the Stock. While both are investing in each other in some way, to a certain degree, the Investor has more to lose than the Stock.

Likewise, while both are proving their value to each other in some way, the Stock has more to prove than the Investor.

General rule of thumb: You are the Investor if you are more attracted to people based on their ability keep up with you and/or make you look better. You are the Stock if you are more attracted to people who have the ability to support you, better you or otherwise believe in you.

It is neither better nor worse to be the Investor or the Stock because both roles come with their own set of advantages and disadvantages. You play these roles based on the cards life has dealt you and what you have done with them so far.

Stocks and Investors can morph into different types and even switch or play dual roles simultaneously throughout their lifetimes.

The success of each relationship primarily hinges on market circumstances when an Investor decides to invest in a certain type of Stock.

Disturbing environments breed disturbing relationships, smart environments breed smart relationships, unnatural environments breed unnatural relationships, rich environments breed rich relationships, lazy environments breed lazy relationships, and so on.

The following details just a few of the types of Investors and Stocks you often encounter in the marketplace. Feel free to think beyond these parameters and/or correct any of the following descriptions as you see fit.

Types of Investors

Average Investor:

Plays the field decently; believes that playing the field is the best strategy to spread his/her risk before settling down with the Stock that returns most consistently over time.

This is one of the more well-rounded Investors. Most likely to pursue, fall in love with and end up with S&P 500s and Solid Stocks.

Savvy Investor:

Savvy Investors (think) they know all the tricks and plays in the book.

They are more knowledgeable about the market than any of the Investors. Behavior is 99.9 percent strategy and 0.1 percent emotion.

All moves are premeditated. Most likely to pursue Penny Stocks and Game Changers.

Most likely to fall in love accidentally with Underrated Stocks or High Risks. Most likely to end up with Solid Stocks.

Angel Investors:

Angel Investors are the most detached from the market than any other Investor, always keeping their heads above the melee.

They invest in Stocks based on how closely they identify with their cause.

Angel Investors are the most discreet about their wealth, but also the most gracious. They are scarce due to lower participation in the market.

Angel Investors don’t have a reputation for pursuing, ending up with or falling for any particular kind of stock, but never invest in Dumb Risks or Metal Scrap.

Venture Capitalists:

Venture Capitalists are in it for the thrill more than any other Investor.

They are driven, energetic and incredibly discerning.

They are all about you when times are good and nonexistent when times are bad. They have a hate-love relationship with Tech Stocks.

Most likely to perpetually date a string of Tech Stocks and Entertaining Stocks unless they get truly tired from it, in which case, they are most likely to become Angel Investors.

Hedge Fund Managers:

Hedge Fund Managers are charismatic and intelligent, but otherwise suffer from comically bad judgment.

Too bent on finding the Penny Stocks and future Game Changers, they accumulate a history of Scrap Metal relationships.

Despite an appalling track record, their personalities, wealth and networks keep them afloat.

They somehow end up with The Penny Stock or Game Changer of the century, to the bewilderment and relief of family and friends.

Unlucky Investors:

These investors are comparable to Hedge Fund Managers without the status, network or wealth to keep them afloat through hard times. They possess poor judgment based on a soft spot for underdogs.

They base decisions based on volatile, fleeting emotions and often regret decisions, but press on valiantly. Believes their poor luck has little to do with anemic strategy formation.

Foreign Investors:

 Foreign investors can be one of three things: 1) Incredibly experienced, 2) Incredibly mis-informed and/or 3) Incredibly alluring. This is because foreign investors come from markets where the same roles apply, but the same rules don't.

While being foreign is a secondary, not a primary attribute of the Foreign Investor, Stocks will always think of Foreign Investors as primarily Foreign.

Foreign Investors generally have better luck than domestic investors at spotting Game Changers because true brilliance is universal.


The Spectator discusses the Stock market with a lot of his/her Investor friends, but never actually participates.

He/she understands the value of the Stock market, but believes it is just too big of a gamble in the end.

Strangely believes that Investors are born, not made.

Spectators have a secret journal of Stocks in which they would hypothetically invest, if they actually invested. Most likely to end up with bonds.

Types of Stocks

S&P 500s:

S&P 500s are the classic Stocks of the current empire.

They are limited, but mass manufactured.  All Investors can get a piece of these Stocks relatively easily if they want. Their morals are questionable, but they clean up well.

They make up in decency what they may lack in quality of opinion.

Being with a S&P 500 doesn't give you many style points, but they are a mark of decent success in life.

They pursue all types of Investors and are generally satisfied with whichever one(s) they land.

High Risks:

High Risks are hard to read. You have no idea what they’re up to.

They seem to have something going for them, but they could also have absolutely nothing going for them. It’s a surreal feeling being attracted to High Risks, because everything in the Market tells you not to do it, but you want to do it anyway.

High Risks, themselves, don’t really know whether they have something going for them or not, because they don’t really care.

They fly by the seat of their pants and wish for the best.

They like the idea of being with or falling in love with Hedge Fund Managers, but again, they don’t really care.

Dumb Risks:

Dumb Risks are Stocks that are about to fall drastically in value in the imminent future.

They probably peaked too early. They are now too stubborn to adjust to changing market conditions, simply outdated or both.

They need a serious reality check and nobody should invest in them for the sake of rationality.

It is best and most natural for Dumb Risks to collapse and reform as new entities, at which point, it can become any type of Stock it chooses.

Overrated Stocks:

Overrated Stocks have both an inflated sense of value and a sad amount of insecurity from being hyped up and overanalyzed by everyone.

They are most likely at a crossroads in their lives and need a compassionate Investor (doesn’t matter which type) who doesn’t give them too much attention.

Underrated Stocks:

Underrated Stocks run the risk of being more intriguing than they are actually useful. They could also turn out to be major Game Changers. It’s the Investor’s gamble.

Underrated Stocks pursue Savvy Investors, Venture Capitalists, Angel Investors and Hedge Fund Managers.

They are most likely to fall in love with and end up with Savvy Investors if they are able to find one willing to invest in them.

Entertaining Stocks:

Sometimes, it is nice to purchase a Stock just because you can, and sometimes, it’s nice to be invested in just because you know you can be. Entertaining Stocks are the best choice for Investors looking for this type of dynamic.

They have a certain type of flair but never stick around for long.

Ultimately, relationships with Entertaining Stocks tend to teach both parties the most about what they really want from love, relationships and life overall. Entertaining Stocks pursue Investors of all types, as long as they’re confident.

Solid Stocks: 

Solid stocks don't have crazy dreams or ambitions, but possess a good sense of humor and a resilient outlook.

They stand by you and are your cornerstone when the going gets tough. Even when everyone else disappoints you, you will be able to count on them to be there for you.

Private Stocks: 

Private stocks are the least accessible of the Stocks.

They are more concerned with making it in their careers or other life ambitions than finding an Investor.

If they become available, they only expose themselves to a handful of handpicked potential candidates.

Penny Stocks:

Penny stocks are what many in the market mistakenly perceive to be Metal Scrap, but actually possess incredible potential for growth. Penny Stocks are unconventionally attractive and fly under the radar.

Penny Stocks are the most appreciative of all the Stocks and will always remember the first Investor who first saw them as they really were.

They have a soft spot for the Average Investor, but most often end up with Hedge Fund Managers.

Penny Stocks should avoid Unlucky Investors at all costs because they don’t know what to do with Penny Stocks and will often take them for granted.

Tech Stocks:

These stocks are well known in the market for their many attractive attributes. They are trendy and hot and possess debatable substance.

They have a hate-love relationship with Venture Capitalists and they are never fully able to escape from it. They are happiest when able to snag an Angel Investor.

Game Changers:

Game Changers are brilliant in every single comprehensible way.

They are the most mentally, emotionally and physically stimulating Stock in which you will ever invest.

They have a different outlook on the world; one that makes them just the right amount of crazy, sane and sexy.

They are highly coveted and many Investors mistakenly pass up the opportunity to buy, believing Game Changers are too good to be true.

They are compatible with Investors of all types because Game Changers allow their Investors to retire from the market for life.

Foreign Currencies:

Foreign Currencies are the poster children of their respective cultures.

They are the creative, free citizens of the world. They tend to be relatively unstable, but those who invest in Foreign Currencies view this positively.

Those who invest in foreign currencies are either 1) Skilled, highly educated and mobile or 2) Escapist, disillusioned and naiive. As times progress, even the Average Investor is growing increasingly comfortable trading with foreign currencies.

Foreign Currencies prefer to be with Hedge Fund Managers because their uniqueness is not a novelty to such Investors; it is a standard.

Metal Scrap:

Metal Scrap is primarily useless and/or has not yet done anything significant with his/her potential.

Their survival strategy thus far in life is to discombobulate all types of Investors with misleading shininess.

Precious Metals:

Precious metals are highly sought after by insecure Investors, or Investors recovering from a recent market downturn or string of bad investments.

They never present themselves as more than what they are; they possess the most enduring intrinsic value of all Stocks.


Bonds are basically low-value Stocks that make up for in loyalty what they lack in pretty much everything else.

Most compatible with Spectators.