What It Was Like To Fall In Love With A Sex Addict Not Once, But Twice

by Julia Slater

I'm telling everyone.

I told the taxi driver who picked me up at 3 am and rushed me to Heathrow. Then, after loading six suitcases onto what I can only assume was stray farming equipment, he gave me a "cuddle" and told me I'd be fine.

In the car, he'd explained had a 2-year-old and this was his worst nightmare for her.

I told my immigration officer, and instead of giving me the third degree like everyone else, he looked me in the eye, stamped my passport and directed me forward.

I told my flight attendant that a broken monitor wasn't the worst thing I'd been through that week, and he gave me a free WiFi code and alcohol. I told my single-serving friend as we flew over Lake Tahoe.

Now, I'm telling you.

I did what every girl should never do: I uprooted my world and moved 5,000 miles away to be with the "love of my life." I was met at the airport by a relic of the person I loved for nearly two years. Something was wrong, and as per usual, my intuition was correct.

I wasn't the one. I was one of many, although I was the only one left in his tiny penthouse for days on end, like a "Jane Eyre" character.

What's worse is this isn't the first time this has happened (or, shall I say, I allowed to happen). The boyfriend I had before led a double-deviant life, but he just hid it much better. And in the last one's cavalier pursuit to be Archer, he couldn't even help himself from bragging about it to me.

I fell in love with a sex addict twice.

Based on my experiences, I can tell you what should send you running for your f*cking life:

You have been selected. Why? Because they are literally “f*cking” predators.

Do you know how horses can sense fear? They can sense vulnerable women, especially those with low self-esteem. You fit a profile.

It is their charm, not their appearance, that captures your interest. They prey upon the weak, separate you from the herd and strike when your defenses are lowered. Like cats, they like to play with their food before they inevitably spit it back up.

You are overwhelmed with attention and then dropped flat on your ass. You have now entered the repetitive cycle.

This system is actually quite clever in its execution. They confuse you with backhanded compliments that guise as flattery, and that slowly wear you down into submission. Submission is key.

They overload your system with affection, attention, gifts, dates, dinners, films, sex, etc., and once they know they have you hooked (usually from the sex), they ghost you for a period. It's an addictive cycle that leaves you hungry and ultimately dependent.

But why do you allow them to “grace you with their presence” whenever they please?

Because the good times are that good.

They boast about "the others" to remind you how lucky you are.

Everyone knows Don Draper is a philanderer, and James Bond never stays with the same woman onto his next mission, but it’s still (wrongly) sexy.

When it comes to boasting, I’ve had it done in contrasting ways. One is a self-deprecating tactic: “Now, I’m not proud of this, but I honestly don’t know how many women I’ve been with.” The other was egocentric and blunt: “I’m f*ckable. She knows it, she knows it, and you know it. Earn your place.”

Either way, it was sexy or endearing.

This blatant display of insecurity should turn most women off, but when you have been treated like a princess during the highs, it’s easy to agree you feel lucky.

They carry out misogynistic and sociopathic tendencies. Control and abuse are inevitable.

This isn’t revealed right away. They’re experts in wooing, after all, but you’ll slowly pick up on it.

Objectification is a huge component of this. One of them calls women "Margarets." He and his group of friends call women “Margarets” in the same way dame, broad, bitch, slut, whore or c*nt are used. If they talk about other women this way, they are certainly speaking this way about you.

Then the verbal, sexual and/or physical abuse sets in because they’re lashing out within the confines of a relationship. They’re cheating on you and getting their fix, but they’re angry with you for feeling guilty or trapped.

Abuse is also inflicted upon themselves. Feeling anything outside the realm of the highs is too much to bear, so it manifests in destructive ways.

You are f*cked like you're shooting hardcore pornography.

At first, I thought it was a role-playing thing and found it laughable, until it just wasn't funny anymore. Outside of the bedroom, I was "baby" or "lovely," and I was made to believe I was treated well.

But inside of the bedroom, I was simply a hole to be filled. It wasn't intimate. It wasn't loving. It was disgusting, vile, and carnal in the least sexy of ways.

When I spoke about how it made me feel, I was told, “I just don’t connect during sex. Sex is just sex to me.”

But, it isn’t just sex; it’s a high. This high usually involves frequent or daily masturbation, hours of pornography consumption and endless salacious texts and messages with "the others."

It’s a fix; it’s a high.

They are completely unoriginal.

They use the same memorized lines, the same book and film recommendations, the same venues for dates and the same moves for all of their conquests, including you.

It’s formulated and tried and tested to get exactly what they want. Hook, line and sinker. 

You were (probably) loved.

After spending hours upon end with the same person, time reveals aspects of his or her true nature. These are the hours when you cannot even fathom sex on tap with a warm, loving partner and shared life experiences isn’t enough. It is never enough.

It's the sick part, the I'm-going-to-need-therapy-for-a-long-time part. You don't know what was real.

They will never chase you, fight for you or care enough to go after you.

You are dispensable. They are already onto the next.

It’s amazing how they can say they love you and then so easily let you go. Dealing with you means dealing with emotions, and that is something they are never willing to do.

"You know I like female attention." This isn't about you. Addiction is always compensation for a void.

I’m not an expert, but knowing the history of abuse, molestation and neglect of these individuals, I can understand why addiction came so easily. Sex addiction is usually paired with drug and alcohol abuse because they only know how to use pleasure and numbing to deal with complex emotions.

Everything else is "too hard" to deal with, so they don't deal with it at all. And thankfully, they're done dealing with you.

I am not claiming victimhood. I volunteered to be in these relationships and was so beguiled by the highs, it took me much longer to realize the lows were completely unacceptable.

I can happily report I am free from the emotional, mental and physical abuse. I hope others will liberate themselves, too.

As for them, what can I say? Karma’s a bitch.