A Letter To Anyone Who Has Ever Made You Feel Suffocated By Their Unrequited Interest

Dear You,

Let me start by saying that it was probably not any one thing you did. More than likely, it was several things.

Maybe it was that you did impressions and they were bad. Maybe you thought it was cool to fart in front of me, even though we’d only been out together once. Maybe I just felt like we weren’t hitting it off because, you know, you’re annoying and clingy, and that’s not something that generally turns me on.

Maybe I didn’t feel that our personalities meshed well; maybe I should have to explain that to you. Maybe I just want you to take solace in the fact that I won't drag you along.

You can move on to fart and do bad impressions in the company of other partners, who will appreciate your unique talents more than I ever could. Sure, we had some laughs, and I don’t think you are a particularly awful person, but this was never going to work out.

I hope I have been clear with you in my intentions, which are that I have none. I mean, we really only knew each other for about a week, so I don’t feel like I owe you more than the honesty of these words: I’m not that into you.

I tried to be clear about this when I sent you a text message that politely stated, “This isn’t going to work out. Please do me the courtesy of not contacting me.”

I felt as though I had been clear. It’s my fault, really. Surely, I was not direct enough because this text was met with flowers, phone calls and texts that went on for days. I can take the blame for this one. So, I brought it upon myself to be a bit more straightforward when I said,

You are making me uncomfortable. I asked you not to contact me. Please never, ever, ever talk to me again.

I felt like this should have left no questions regarding how I felt. Much to my dismay, there were more questions. You sent more texts, then texts to apologize for those texts, then an email memoir that was too long for me to ever care to read.

Because of all of this, I thought I should state my stance a bit more concretely. I really had to drive the point home. I wanted nothing more than for us to simply understand one another.

So, you, my never-was, never-will-be love, are the inspiration for this letter that comes from deep within my gut. I have truly no interest in you, whatsoever, nor do I intend to speak to you for the rest of my life.

I wish you neither good nor ill will. Honestly, whatever happens to you, I am fine with it, so long as it is nowhere near where I am. Those five or six days we spent communicating will be as memorable to me as any zit I ever popped during high school.

However, I will always remember how difficult it was to get you to leave me alone. You sure are persistent. You deserve someone who is more interested in you than I ever was; someone who will find your inability to take a hint charming. Do yourself a favor and go bother that person instead.

Please, take this as a sign of our final communication. To continue past this point would truly only be embarrassing for both of us.

If I haven’t been clear enough, please don’t let me know. I’m glad that in this short time, we were able to be so honest with each other. I hope I have provided you with the closure you so desperately seemed to need.

With the deepest and purest sincerity,


Photo Courtesy: We Heart It