If I Were A Man, This Is The Kind Of Woman I'd Want To Date

The opposite sex has been, and always will be, as big a conundrum as the case of the missing sock. After centuries of broken hearts and horrible first dates, we’re no closer to figuring out the mind of a man than we are to deciphering the psyche of Charlie Sheen (the man to beat all men) or finding out exactly where all those missing socks go.

We’re lost in a sea of what ifs, maybes and all those coulda, woulda shouldas that keep us from establishing any type of pattern, theory or established law to explain exactly why men are the way they are.

It’s feels like we’ve been on this long and arduous journey and haven’t gotten any closer to the promised land: the place where we know exactly what men want and exactly how to get what we want from them.

We’ve figured out small things along the way, like stay-in movie dates never involve movies and calls after 11 pm are never just to “catch up.” We’ve learned that a good ass will trump a great personality and porn stars will always be the real women in their lives.

Of course, there are exceptions and outliers to every case, and some men don’t fit this horribly stereotypical mode, but for the sake of this experiment, we are going to spend our attention observing the psyche of the “stereotypical male.”

And while he may be stereotypical, most of his actions are anything but obvious. We know he likes sports and big breasts, but we don’t know what he really likes in a woman. We’ve been on countless dates with him, slept with him and came out with nothing more than a few field notes and a broken heart.

What did I do wrong? What did he want? Should I have not slept with him on the second date? We ask our fellow female colleagues, exchanging data and flow charts, trying to solve the mystery with the same fervor once reserved for AIDS and smallpox research.

What does a man want in a woman? How should I mold myself to fit his needs? For far too long, women have been thinking about how they should act, look and dress to attract not just the attention, but the heart of the next passing man.

But after years of failed relationships, bad first dates and countless broken hearts, I’ve realized we’re going about it all wrong. Firstly, we should never change for a man, any more than a man should change for a woman.

The self-help books will tell you that a confident and secure woman changes for no one, and I agree. However, sometimes, when I’m trying to figure out exactly what I’d want in a man, I like to think what, if I were a man, I’d find attractive in a woman. What would I look for in a girl if I had the mind of a male? What would turn me on?

As I walk down the street, I find myself making observations. Would I want a woman with long hair or short? Would I want to date that woman with the polka dot skirt or the one in ripped jeans and a Ramones t-shirt? Would I want a funny woman or a serious, poetic type.

After too many months wondering what kind of woman I’d be attracted to, I realized that it’s not about what she looks like because all women are beautiful in their own right and there is no “one type” that all men are attracted to.

However, there are certain elements of a woman that I wouldn’t be able to resist as a man. So as I continue on the difficult and dangerous journey of trying to figure out exactly what men want, I’ve come up with my own list of the qualities of the type of woman I’d never be able to resist.

I want a woman who can cook up a great one-liner

I want a woman who cleans up at NBA 2K15

I want a woman who grabs life by the balls

I want a woman who shops for the perfect career

I want a woman who accepts compliments

I want a woman who is beautifully unique

I want a woman who skirts tradition

I want a woman whose head is in the right direction

I want a woman who undresses for no one

I want a woman who takes it... to a whole other level

I want a woman who bends over backwards for her friends

I want a woman who needs no approval

I want a woman who compliments others

I want a woman who heals her own wounds

I want a woman who bakes with the finest herb

I want a woman who only plays games that have instructions

I want a woman who slaps away all the negativity

I want a woman who doesn’t need a man