12 People Share How To Get Over Someone Who Was Never Really Yours

It's harder than you think.

by Candice Jalili
Originally Published: 
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Up until my current relationship, I was consistently single. Now, to be clear, this doesn't mean that I didn't have any traces of romance in my life. In fact, looking back on it, there was always someone special in my life. It was basically a long series of almost-relationships and, if you've ever had one of those, then you know getting over someone you never dated is often more difficult to get over than any other form of relationship. If you're wondering how to get over someone you never dated, then hearing advice from real people who did just that may be exactly what you need.

Getting over someone you never "officially" dated might seem like an impossible task, but there actually are some concrete steps you can take to make it a little easier. Dating expert and relationship columnist Jen Kirsch suggested getting rid of any trace of them on social media in order to cope. As she previously told Elite Daily, "To gain control of not being affected by their actions, whereabouts et al, either unfollow them, delete them, or use the special features on apps to remove them from popping up on your feeds."

After you've hidden them from your daily view, you can also follow the advice of real people, who might be able to tell you how to get over a guy you never dated or a girl you never dated.

You Should Understand That Healing Takes Time
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I think you 100% have a right to be upset and feel an internal feeling of upset and be upset that things didn’t go in the way you desired. This being said, I don’t find it as fair to be upset with the other person thereby feeling animosity towards them assuming they were respectful, honest, and transparent. However, if someone really led you on and toyed with your emotions, then you’d likely be upset and upset with them and I’d say it’s justified. Upset to me is a personal feeling so you should feel secure in feeling upset however you choose so long as you don’t harm yourself or others.


You respect their decision and realize the friend zone does in fact not exist. If they say no, then you value them enough to be friends and you continuing living your lives with different boundaries.


Unfortunately, time is the only way to get over it. I've been there and in many ways, it's more painful than a break up with a partner because there's was no real closure. For me, a big part of moving on meant deleting their number and all of their social media.


The professional advice from my therapist is — acknowledge the pain and hurt, and don’t discount them just because the time together was short. Give yourself space to feel.


But You Should Also Know When It’s Time To Move On
Move on. There's no good that comes from hoping for more or wondering what could have been. It's a bit of a mindf*ck I know, but there really are people who can sleep with you, do couple-y things with you, and not want anything more. I don't understand it, but one thing I had to accept is that not everyone sees things the way I do, and I can't force them or get to thinking there's something wrong with me because my worldview is not shared.


In any part of life, happiness = reality - expectations. Meaning mathematically, if your expectations were super high, you’re left with a huge negative value. In the beginning stages, make sure you’re modulating your reaction to be grounded [and realizing] that many of these things don’t work out. That’s usually because of things outside of your control and your identity (i.e. timing and their situation and all that). So I get over it by taking a preemptive strike.


Remember, regardless of most circumstances, if you are truly mutually compatible, then there would have been a way to turn this ‘almost’ into an actual relationship. All that matters is that someone wasn’t willing to make it work. That hurts, but it is also the easiest fact to focus on that lets you hurt and move on. During this hurt, treat it as a breakup, and rediscover yourself and how great you are.


Personally, I try not to become too invested until I know we’re exclusive moving towards a monogamous relationship. Sometimes it’s inevitable, and for those separations, process the loss with a friend, do some self-care, focus on self-improvement, or if you’re ready to continue dating... On to the next one!


And Part Of Moving On Is Making Space For Someone New
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It really helps to completely remove this person from your life, truly. Otherwise, it's just heartbreak to see their name or face anywhere. It's also helped that I have socialized more with peers and friends. It also helps that I will be moving to a different state in a couple months for grad school, I am focusing my efforts towards my projects, despite the longing despair, it is slowly fading away. Don't expect a quick result.


When it creeps into your mind, just remind yourself that there is someone who DOES want a relationship waiting for someone like you.


It's realizing that you didn't share love, you had an admiration/infatuation/attraction towards them but they didn't feel the same way back. There is someone out there that will love you the way you love them and feel all those things about you. They should be your focus.


I know this is easier said than done, but move on, deliberately. Don’t give them your time and attention. Find someone else, socialize, and remind yourself of all the other fish in the sea.


While there's no perfect timetable for how long it will take to get over someone, breakup coach and host of the breakup BOOST podcast Trina Leckie said there are often signs you're moving forward. As Leckie previously told Elite Daily, you may "literally just realize that you went a whole day without thinking of them." Yay, progress!

Just because it wasn't a "real relationship" doesn't mean it won't be difficult to get over, so do yourself a favor and treat it like a real breakup. And — just like with any breakup — you’ll eventually find a way to heal.


Jen Kirsch, dating expert and relationship columnist

Trina Leckie, breakup coach and host of the breakup BOOST podcast

Editor's Note: This story has been updated by Elite Daily Staff.

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