Igor Madjinca

How To Get Over Someone You Built Up In Your Head

When you put someone on an impossibly high pedestal, they often have a lot farther to fall. Part of figuring out how to get over someone you built up in your head is taking the lessons you learned from the relationship, and not repeating the same pattern. From here, understand that loving someone means that you have to get to the point of really, truly knowing them. And if you're not able to get to that point within your relationship, it means you weren't supposed to.

If you build someone up in your head so much that you are shocked by who they turn out to be, then it's a sign that you never really liked them in the first place. You liked the idea of them, which might have been unfair to them or to the relationship as a whole. But don't beat yourself up. Liking the idea of someone means that you have an idea of the kind of person you want to end up with. When you are trying to find out how to get over someone who has fallen off of their pedestal, focus less on how the relationship failed you and more on where it came from and what it told you about what you want.

When you're getting over the relationship, think about the following.

1. Examine Your Motivations

Where were your expectations that you had for this person coming from? Did they mislead you about who they were, or did you choose to believe what you wanted to see? Oftentimes, people build up other people because we want the person we are seeing to reflect some aspect of ourselves. The reason you might have placed this person on a pedestal is because they contain qualities you admire.

If you've ever gone on a date with someone who is more successful than you are, you probably know how this feels. You admire them because you want to be them. Over the course of the date, or several, little aspects of their character begin to chip away. You begin to recognize that even though someone seems to have exactly what you want, they're still human.

When a person falls off of the pedestal, though, it might say more about the person you want to be than the person you want to be with.

2. Determine Whether You Miss The Idea Or The Person

When you're getting over someone you put on a pedestal, you might miss them, as you tend to miss most people after you end a relationship with them. If you find yourself wanting to reach out to this person after you've broken up, remind yourself that it's not really them you want to talk to. It's the idea of them that was destroyed when they showed you who they really were.

Don't put anyone in the position of having to pretend to be someone they aren't. If you can't be with the flawed person who showed themselves to you, then it's better to allow them to find someone who won't project upon them, and for you to give yourself the things you wanted to gain from the relationship in the first place.

3. Examine What You Got Out Of The Relationship

When you're building someone up in your head, sometimes, you do it as a means of escaping from tedium in your life and into the excitement of a relationship. Fantasy is way more exciting than reality. If there are painful issues in your life right now, then you probably wanted the relationship to be the magical balm that could heal your wounds. Healing can definitely happen within a relationship, but not if you are hiding within it to escape your pain.

Sometimes, you put someone on a pedestal as a way of claiming your own social status. Maybe you dreamed that this person was perfect because they opened certain doors for you; maybe you saw them as a means of networking or of getting where you want to go.

Relationships come in and out of our lives for a reason. Focus on what your rewards were, but also, hold yourself accountable. Were you using this person in order to get what you wanted?

4. See It From The Other Side

It sucks to be built up into something you're not. Being positioned on a pedestal is being placed in a precarious spot. If you've ever been on the receiving end of this kind of relationship, you know that it's not a great position. It means that someone is seeing you as who they want you to be and not appreciating your true nature. True love involves recognition. Unless the person misrepresented who they are to you, don't resent them for falling off of the pedestal — especially not if you put them there in the first place.

If, after a period of reflection, you think that you put the person you were seeing in an unfair position — and you have moved on from the relationship — it might be healing to both of you if you found some way to apologize.

All people want is to be seen. If a person was showing you their true self and you didn't like it because it wasn't what you expected, then understand that it was less about them and more about you. Once you realize that, you can move forward in the way that is best for you.

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