Here's Exactly How To Get Over Someone Who Blames You For The Breakup

by Alison Segel

My ex blamed me for our breakup, and it got on my nerves for years. I was the one who initiated our split, but I couldn't help that I stopped having feelings for him! It happens. However, he held a grudge over me forever, and it made our breakup not only impossible, but seemingly never-ending. There's no rulebook on how to get over someone, especially someone who is showing anger, bitterness, or resentment toward you.

I became obsessed with him being angry with me. It was pretty much the only time I was obsessed with him in our entire relationship. The last thing I wanted was for someone to hate me or for me to get a bad reputation. Plus, I felt like this was all a bad misunderstanding. What would he have preferred? For me to have stayed with him, despite not liking him anymore? That didn't seem fair either.

No matter what, when it comes to breaking up, someone is going to be the bad guy. And breakups are hard for the bad guy, too. So here's how to get over someone who blames you for the breakup. Because causing someone else pain can cause you a lot of hurt as well.

1. Ask For Clarification

Sometimes, you get stuck in the past because the book still feels open. You need clarification, and questions still feel unanswered. It's hard to get over someone when you still have things that you want to say.

If you want to get over someone who blames you for the breakup, then ask them for clarification. Why do they feel that way? If there's some truth to what they're saying, it might be time to apologize. It will help both of you move on.

2. Apologize (It's Not What You think)

There's an old Hawaiian prayer (or mantra, if the word prayer makes you uncomfortable) called Ho'oponopono, meant to inspire forgiveness and moving on from your past. It's simple, and it goes like this:

I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.

The best part of this prayer is that you don't have to say it to anyone — you actually say it to yourself. While you want your partner or ex to forgive you for any wrongdoings you may have done to them, it's also important that you forgive yourself so that you can get over your past relationship and move into the present.

This prayer works on multiple levels. You're asking the universe to forgive you for hurting your partner, releasing any internal shame or guilt, and letting go of any bitterness you have toward your ex. Once the anger you have surrounding your relationship switches to gratitude and love, you'll finally be able to move on.

3. Don't Take On Their Hurt

While it's important that you take responsibility for your actions, you can't take accountability for and be in charge of regulating someone else's emotions, especially once you are broken up. If you continue to try to take charge of your partner's life or be the sole source of their happiness, then neither of you will be able to move on from the relationship.

It's human instinct to want to make people feel better. We want to ease people's pain, especially when we care about them. But it's also important that we self-soothe. If you're unable to nurture yourself, you can become codependent and overly attached to the people whom you're using for support. And if your support system is an ex, especially an ex who has hurt you, it's an unfair emotional burden to take on.

So even if you hurt your ex, you need to let them experience their hurt alone. Allow them to foster a new support system. While seeing someone in pain is never easy, it's important for their healing process, allowing them — and you — to move forward.

4. Look Inward

A big part of moving on is taking accountability for your actions. If you had bad behaviors in your relationship, then look internally and figure out the root of your actions so that you don't do them again. We don't want to be stuck in the same dating loop over and over, unable to get out of a bad dating rut. So breakups are a great time for introspection, as sometimes, pain can be the greatest lesson and opportunity for personal growth.

If your ex blames you for the breakup, then explore the possibility, even if it hurts. Heartbreak is hard regardless, especially when you're the catalyst for it. Take accountability for your mistakes, apologize when necessary, and set proper boundaries so that you and your partner can both move forward. There's a lesson in everything — even, if not especially, the stuff that hurts.

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