How To Find Someone To Love In This Dateless, Unromantic Generation

by Jenna Shnayerson

Every day it’s the same thing: a girl in the bathroom, a guy at the gym.

Both of them are talking about how they were hooking up with someone and thought it was going somewhere.

But then after a few weeks, their person disappears into thin air.

He or she stops answering your texts and doesn't say hi to you in passing. It’s a sh*tty feeling that is felt way too often.

Because we are stuck in this cycle of hiding our feelings, being afraid to look weaker or care more than the other person, we force ourselves not to care in hopes of not getting hurt.

However, in some instances, it is not the other person who does the hurting.

Instead, we do it to ourselves, sending signals to the other person that he or she is just a hookup.

In hopes of not getting hurt, you have to find the right balance of showing you care while also keeping your cool. But, how does someone find that perfect medium?

Don’t use the words "hang out."

"Hang out" is such a lazy term we need to stop using in replacement for the “where are you?” text.

You have already both shared the intimate activity of hooking up with each other, so why not just say what your intentions are.

If you want him to sleep over, tell him to come over. If you want to watch a movie with her, ask her to watch a movie.

While word choice is such a small, microscopic detail, it matters.

It provides a kind of honesty that opens the door to better communication.

By being honest, you let the other person in and send out a positive message that your intentions — whatever they may be — are real.

Ask to see him or her before 9 pm.

Everyone knows what the after-9-pm text means.

It means you are done doing everything that needed to get done that day, and you’re probably already drinking or have your plans for the night mapped out.

By asking to see someone before 9, you are showing you soberly took time out of your day to go out of your way and see that person.

Invite him or her to go out with you and your friends.

Whether it’s to the bars, a party, group sporting event or concert, asking the other person to join you with your friends is a causal way to let your person feel welcomed into your life and your friend group.

This a safe move, allowing you to have the space to decide if he or she is just a friend or something more without being too forward.

It is a way to see them interact with people they don’t know while also letting them see you with your friends.

Don’t just text, call.

I’m not talking about long, deep conversations. I’m talking about asking him or her to meet up or calling to see how he or she is.

Call with a question, or follow-up with something you guys were talking about earlier.

So many people think this is such a forward gesture when really, it’s not.

Everyone is so unfamiliar with using the phone that everyone makes it a bigger deal of it than it really is.


This final tip sounds obvious and stupid at the same time.

While it’s the most direct way of showing you care, it is often associated with waving the white flag, or letting the other person win.

But in reality, it’s not.

Instead, it’s called growing up and finding the courage to do something you have always wanted to do. No one wants to wonder “what if.”

By telling someone, you are finding closure. If they don’t feel the same way, then fine, now you know.

You did not lose. Instead, you found out the truth and saved yourself from focusing on someone not worth your time.

Feelings should not turn into some kind of contest where someone wins and someone loses.

If telling someone you are starting to like him or her or want to only hook up is such a big deal, then maybe you’re not ready.

Maybe he or she has not opened up to you or made you feel comfortable enough to consider him or her as more than a hookup.

The only way we will ever know is by taking the plunge.

Whether you want to do it slowly, like by inviting him or her to hang out with you and your friends, or just keeping it real and telling the truth, it is up to you.

You are the one in charge of your feelings.

No one has the power to make you feel a certain way unless you let him or her. Take control. If it feels right, it just might be!