Ask Alexa: How Do Women Want Guys To Approach Them At The Bar?

by Alexa Mellardo

Our Elite Daily male readers have reached out to me asking for advice on how a guy can win a girl over…including what's a great approach, how can he talk to her and what he should say.

It's really interesting to hear that men stress over these things well into their 20s -- even 30s, in some cases.

I'd like to share a little secret with all of my guys out there: Over here on the girl side of things, we actually worry about the exact same stuff.

From my corner of the bar with my #squad, here are examples of how the scene goes down:

“OMG he is so checking you out…or it may be me, I can't tell.”


“Hottie at 12 o'clock, coming over. Crap! WTF do I say to him?!”

Or something like...

“UGH, he just asked me to dance, and I said my feet were killing me. I literally want to kick myself in the head.”

Bottom line is, gals totally get nervous about the approach, too. We also get panicky about what to say. When we're attracted to a guy, we freak the heck out (in a good way) when he starts coming over to us. Even if we appear cool, calm and collective on the outside, on the inside, we're a hot freaking mess.

So just relax, guys. Know that you're not alone stressing over the approach phase. You're trying to attract and hold our attention…but just remember that we have to work at holding yours as well.

Attraction and everything that follows works both ways, including nervousness about doing and saying the right thing.

I gather from reading so many messages and emails that men don't think of it that way. That being said, I'm going to let you in on what a guy should and should not do when approaching a girl at a bar.

Q: I would love it if you could provide some advice on how I can talk to girls?

Here's a little advice that'll polish any guy's game:

Some guys have a natural knack for romance and creativity. The extra sugar coating that it sometimes takes to win a girl over is essential and different in each situation.

Looking great and catching her attention is one thing, but the process certainly doesn't stop there. And you'll need much more than good looks and a nice smile to back yourself up, fellas.

Screw that one up, and you're most likely toast.

A girl will want to know what you're all about when you're talking to her. She takes mental notes. This isn't school, guys, but you'll be receiving a grade in her mind.

Many girls love a guy who's witty, fun and motivated. No one likes a guy who keeps the entire convo revolving around him and won't let the woman get a word in. A guy who's boring AF and can't keep the convo flowing sits on the same level as that pompous jerk that everyone can't stand.

Here are some tips…

Spontaneity is critical.

I can guide you as to what to do and what not to do, what to say and what not to say, but it is essential for you to be natural and spontaneous with your own actions and words.

It's crucial to not only have the tools that are needed to win her heart, but to know when and how to use them. It's so unattractive when a guy seems nervous, not confident or sounds rehearsed like the girl is just another number he can cross off.

Practice makes perfect, so all of you guys should work on your own approach and moves until you've got them spot on.

Don't ever lie.

If you grab her attention, she will want to be subtly impressed and curious for more.

Under no circumstances are bullsh*tters ever attractive; ladies can detect them miles away.

You should have some fun stories ready to tell, but make sure they're real experiences, well-timed in the conversation, appropriate for what you're talking about and captivating.

If you can't pull off humor, you shouldn't attempt it…because that would be an epic fail. Wittiness and humor have to come naturally, or you will bomb every time.

Think of your “overall presentation” like a job resume: After all, when you're seeking that perfect dream job, you have to be the best man for the position. There is a ton of competition, but only one opening. If you're not at the top of your game with all of the necessary credentials and background, you won't even get in for an interview…let alone the job.

If you're lucky and are given the opportunity to interview with someone, the opportunity arises to an entirely new level. You will be called on the credentials you presented and will need to bring much more to the table to back up what you claim to be. So certainly don't lie or pretend to be something you're not…because you will definitely get called out on it and get screwed in the end.

Should you be offered the "position," so to speak, it still doesn't stop there. There will be expectations. You will be hired to show what you have and to do your very best.

Q: How does a woman want some rando approaching her at a bar?

Approach her with a confident, natural swag.

Every guy needs his own natural swag, and a girl can't get enough of it. Swag is super sexy.

Any potential gal will want you to have just the right amount of confidence to look and feel secure, but not at all like a conceited jerk.

Natural swag is a quality that can only be acquired through hard work; it's not something you can gather while you're at the bar looking across the room at her.

Each dude needs to put the right amount of effort into his entire package before he even leaves his apartment so he is confident and proud of his overall appearance, personality and accomplishments.

Hence, natural swag.

Also, keep in mind my answer to the next question; one I received from another reader.

Q: What are some openers one might use that aren't cheesy or bad?

Stop right there. First and foremost, don't ever use a cheesy pickup line. They're all super tacky, and she'll probably end up laughing in your face.

Be creative, guys! I know you've got it in you. And what better time than now to casually whip it out on a girl you're trying to impress (a creative line, I mean)?

Ladies HATE cheesy, but will be completely enamored with creativity.

Here are some examples:

The most adorable time someone hit on me was when I was eating out with my girlfriends. We were waiting for our leftover pizza and the bill. Our waitress brought the takeout box over to me, and it had another waiter's name and phone number written on top of the box, asking me to call him. I didn't -- I was in a relationship at the time. But it was flattering, and all of my girls thought it was witty and charming, as did the waitress!

The other sweet "hit" happened a few months ago (again, when I was eating out with my squad). A guy sent a bottle of wine over to the table; our waitress handed it to me and pointed him and his friends out. They let us know where they were headed after dinner, so it wasn't awkward at all. They didn't hover; there were no strings attached to the wine, or it could have ended up being mad creepy.

So if you're thinking of approaching her with any of the following:

“Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

“You're so hot, even my zipper is falling for you.”

“Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see.” NO. NO… and NOOOOOOO. JUST. DON'T. GO. THERE.

Like, seriously...EVER.

Honestly, don't even get hung up on pickup lines. They are so overrated anyway. A sexy smile, simple hello and keeping the conversation flowing naturally all go a long way. You'll be much better off doing that than falling into the cheesy pickup line trap.

Catch her eye from across the bar, and see if she reciprocates with a smile. I'm not saying to stare her down so that she thinks you're creepy AF. But if she notices you, too, and looks intrigued, that's your way in. Walk on over with that natural swag I talked about, and you so got this.

Say you've wanted to come over and talk to her all night (if that's the truth). If she agrees and admits she's had her eyes on you, too, then you're golden. If you offer to buy her a drink after that, I'm sure she won't turn you down if she's giving off all of the positive vibes.

There's nothing hotter than a guy who keeps it real, confident and fun. So go for it!

The bottom line is, every guy should work hard to be his optimum best. Without putting your best appearance out there, you may not even get her at "Hello."

You can't expect to get the best for yourself if you're not the best you can be. If you don't think you look or act like a great catch, neither will she.

You need to be creative, unpretentious and genuine. If you're trying to be someone you're not, she will see right through you.

Be natural and yourself, but above all, you need to be confident and pleased with the overall presentation.

Ask Alexa: I'm here to help you out, guys! Email me at, send me a direct message or comment for advice or any questions you'd like me to address about women, dating or relationships, and your question could be featured in my next edition of “Ask Alexa”! I'm on your side all the way!