Writer Eddy Baller stumbled upon this plea for advice on Quora.com. Realizing this would take more than a simple reply, he offered this advice:
'I'm almost 20 and haven't had friends since I was 10 years old. I want to meet a nice girl with a great personality, that's pretty too, but most pretty girls don't have character. I'm also shy and it's driving me crazy. I masturbate 6 hours daily to porn and I can't take this anymore. What can I do?'- Adapted from Quora.
As a man with a high sex drive who once lacked confidence, I can relate. It's not the best place to be when you have a need and can't fulfill it, so let's solve this problem.
This is going to require work, but a guy with drive and persistence can crush it. It's a process which requires getting uncomfortable, but you can start with baby steps.
The basic process:
1. Warm up socially: Go out every morning and on your walk, say “good morning” to people who pass by.
2. Make conversation: Chat up anyone you come in contact with, regardless of the situation. Getting coffee? Talk to the person next to you in line. Even chat up the barista!
3. Introduce yourself : Now is where you're going to get really nervous. That's OK, just embrace it and take action anyway. See someone you want to talk to? It's time to say hi. Worried about being creepy? Don't. That's your insecurity talking. Get these other things handled and it won't be a problem anymore.
Make sure to avoid making assumptions about a person before talking to them.
Wrong assumptions will create an unnecessary mental barrier to meeting someone cool.
Social cross training:
There are a number of things you can do that will reinforce your social skills and confidence. These things aren't directly related to dating and women, but you'll become socially savvy as a result. Always look at the big picture and not just immediate gratification. The payoff for strengthening these skills will be a better life.
Here are a few good ones to try:
1. Acting: Take an acting or improv class. You'll learn communication skills and how to perform while being watched or scrutinized.
2. Public speaking: Getting on stage can be terrifying. This will make you more resilient under pressure and teach you how to handle the attention. You'll also learn how to project your voice and speak clearly.
3. Coaching: You may want to try a bootcamp in your area from an experienced dating coach. He'll show you how to talk to women and push you to actually follow through with it.
Becoming a better man:
These recommendations will build your character and strength. This will be the foundation that will aid you in everything you do. You'll feel great every day when you wake up, and be able to handle more than just the dating world.
1. Lift weights: Every man should be lifting weights for reasons that go far beyond physical attractiveness. It will give you physical strength, keep your testosterone levels high, make you look good, make clothes fit better, boost your energy and give you more confidence in and out of the bedroom.
2. Volunteer: Volunteer work is a great way to give back while simultaneously giving you a deep sense of satisfaction and fulfillment. Doing things for other people can take your attention away from your own issues.
3. Focus on yourself: Besides women, what else do you want in your life? Go after your personal goals wholeheartedly so you can create the kind of future you want. Men who own their lives and make things happen for themselves are more attractive to women than guys who have nothing going on.
4. Take on a big challenge: The challenge could relate to one of your goals, or it could be something like military training to toughen you up and instill discipline. Seek out challenges which will grow your character by pushing your limits. Put yourself in situations far outside of your comfort zone if you want to win big and develop confidence.
5. Meditate: Calming your mind and learning focus can help get that masturbation habit of yours under control. This is not a matter of quitting, but it would be good to develop some peace to think clearly and use some of that energy elsewhere.
Starting a conversation anywhere:
Finally, here's how you can start a conversation anywhere you go. It can lead to friendships, girlfriends, sex or just a boost in your mood.
Start by being observant and making comments about your observations. Someone's wearing jewelry? Ask where they got it from but add your opinion first. For example, “That ring looks vintage. Where did you get it from?”
Adding your opinion keeps it conversational instead of sounding like an interrogator. This applies to approaching women too, and going on dates.
You can get experience with these “mini conversations” when there is a big lineup behind you at the supermarket. Just smile when you get to the register and make a comment, “Crazy busy here, how do you cope?!”
Most of these will be conversations in passing, like the above example, but you can go deeper when the opportunity arises. When that happens, and you feel a connection, ask her out for a coffee. You lose nothing and every interaction builds your experience.
It is not a simple matter of breaking your masturbation habit or starting a conversation with a girl. It is about bettering yourself in all aspects of your life.