50 Thoughts You Have When You See Hot Pictures Of Your Ex On Instagram
Following exes on social media is a very slippery slope.
On the one hand, your ex is a part of your past, and social media enables you to check in without actually making any direct contact.
Of course, this sounds sort of creepy. But then again, we are Millennials, so this type of sh*t has become the norm. We use "stalking" in reference to cyberstalking -- not the criminal, IRL kind.
When your girlfriend gets a new job, you'll read about it on Facebook. When your girlfriend gets a new salad, you'll see it on Instagram. If you want to catch up with some of her witty thoughts, you can scroll through her Twitter.
But if you do choose to catch up with your ex on social media, get ready to see a whole slew of sh*t you don't want to see, either. And that's when things can get hairy.
Social media gives us a look into people's most personal lives (or, at least, what they want you to think about their personal lives). So if you're scrolling through someone's feed, you have to brace yourself for absolutely anything. And since your exes aren't posting about their bad days, you can assume that their lives have been going great since you two split.
Sure, you might see a funny meme, but you also might see your ex's new boyfriend commenting something (unfunny) directly under the photo. At that point, you'll realize that your old lover has moved on and found someone new -- and you'll be forced to deal with it.
At the end of the day, breakups change people. The passage of time changes people. So if you choose to follow your ex on social media after your breakup, be prepared to see a new person.
And sometimes this new person even looks different.
If you're dropped by your ex's Instagram only to see how much more physically attractive your ex has become since the breakup, you can attest to how vexing this can be. You don't want to see your ex being unhappy (unless your relationship went up in flames), but it's also not great to know that someone's become exponentially more attractive since leaving your sorry ass.
But when that does happen, I'm sure your thoughts will go something like this:
2. That’s Sally?
3. My Sally?
4. Well, not my Sally anymore.
5. Nah, f*ck that. She’ll always be my Sally.
6. Well, she looks happy.
7. I’m happy that she looks happy.
8. She looks hot, too.
9. Why does every girl I date get significantly more attractive after we split up?
10. It’s unbelievable.
11. She’s got abs now.
12. Real abs, too. You can tell that isn't just a good angle.
13. Christ, that definition. Look at that! I count six.
14. Beautiful, a six-pack.
15. A f*cking six-pack.
16. It hasn't even been six months, and she has a six-pack now.
17. Why is she posting pictures from the beach, though? I don’t get it.
18. It’s f*cking December. Early December.
19. Using those vacation days, I suppose.
20. Good for her. She was always a very good planner; I’ll give her that.
21. Unless she got fired...
22. Yeah, maybe she got fired.
23. Well, that would explain all the extra time to do abdominal exercises.
24. I have to say, that tan looks great on her.
25. Why couldn’t she be tanned and toned when she dated me?
26. F*ckin’ A, man, she’s like a 9.3 in all of these pictures.
27. Granted, when we dated, she was still above an 8.5 in my book -- but that’s a big leap to nine-something.
28. Her face. It looks different. I can’t put my finger on it.
29. It’s more refined, almost like she’s had some work done.
30. Her dad is a plastic surgeon. I remember her telling me that.
31. ’Tis the season, am I right?
32. Wonder what she’s getting augmented for the next night of Hanukkah…
33. Wait, who’s this guy?
34. Are those…boat shoes??? Nice, brah, it’s winter.
35. Pick a winner, hun. Pick a winner.
36. And why is she holding his stomach in this picture?
37. I don’t get it. Is he pregnant? Or are they dating?
38. Look at that hand. It’s so awkward.
39. All of the sideboob in the world couldn’t conceal how awkward this pose is.
40. F*ck. I forgot you can’t zoom in on Instagram.
41. Did I just like this photo?
42. Oh my word, I did.
44. No, can’t do that now -- I’ve come too far.
45. She's probably already seen the notification.
46. She's always got her phone in her hand. Can't sneak anything by her. Some things don't change.
47. I’ll just play it off like I’m genuinely happy for her...which I am.
48. Sort of.
50. I guess I’ll just unfollow her.