It must be tough to be a single, horny dude.
You have to be charming, willingly buy women vodka-cranberries all night and fend off the 10 other thirsty guys trying to swoop in and do the same thing.
But, what if all this “hard work” is actually for nothing? What if the woman already has plans, and those, sadly, do not involve you?
Maybe she vowed not to sleep around because she’s swearing off men for a while, or maybe she's still in a fragile, post-heartbreak state.
However, we women know ourselves. Add alcohol to the mix, and those carefully thought-out vows of celibacy go right out the window. This is why we arm ourselves with reinforcements in the form of cockblocking.
That’s right, fellas. You can forget all about the best guy friend who has secretly called dibs.
What you may not know is the woman you’re chatting up is her own cockblocker. And she's come up with clever (and just plain hilarious) ways to avoid sleeping with you.
For all the shocked men who are thinking back to all the times a woman “suddenly” had to go home and feed her cat, here’s a much-needed lesson on tried-and-true female cockblocking tactics:
1. Not shaving our legs
This is undeniably one of the most popular and well-known tactics. Unless we’re planning on wearing a dress that requires shaving our legs, it simply isn’t in the cards.
Even if we’re loaded, come hell or high water, having hairy legs as bad Steve Carell’s chest hair in the "40-Year-Old Virgin" pretty much solidifies that no man will be copping a feel.
2. Wearing granny panties
Lingerie simply has a way of making us feel like Victoria's Secret goddesses between the sheets (and for nearly selling a kidney just to afford the tiny and beautiful scraps of fabric, it better).
Wearing granny panties, however, does not have the same effect. It’s pretty much a sure bet clothes will not be coming off.
After all, if we just met, why would we give you a glimpse of those suckers?
The same goes for “period underwear,” which are worn solely during our one-week of hell per month.
Yeah, you're not seeing those, either.
3. Faking our period
Who needs to wear period underwear when we can just fake the whole thing?
Sex while on our period may not be as sexy as it could be for you, or us. Thus, it's the perfect excuse to end the night early.
4. Swearing our best friend is into a "no boys" pact
Women stick together. So naturally, swearing our friends into a "no boys" pact is a highly strategic cockblocking tactic.
These plans are usually mapped out over a few glasses of chardonnay, and the rules are simple: “Even if I’m wasted, do not, under any circumstance, let me go home with anyone tonight.”
5. The third-wheel curse
Some girlfriends do this without us even asking. We meet cute guys at the bar, and that one friend (we all have one) declares she’s bored and wants to go home right now.
This leaves you scrambling to make us stay, even if that means putting up with the third wheel all night. It's that, or you're trying to turn that third wheel into a threesome.
6. Fake boyfriend
Even if it’s just our roommate calling us, it’ll show you we're clearly not available for a hookup.
It may look odd if you're flirting with us all night (especially when we remember we have a boyfriend only once you want to go back to your place), but it always works.
7. Faking being too tired
After a long night of drinking, being invited back to a guy’s place usually isn’t code for cuddling in bed and watching "House of Cards."
To avoid doing anything else between the sheets, we pretend to be tired.
If we're falling asleep in the cab over, or asking questions about the crown jewel (aka your bed), you can be sure we're just looking to pass the f*ck out.
8. Using cats
Who said diamonds are a girl’s best friend? In situations like these, it’s clearly our cats.
It’s unlikely you'll argue with us why Fluffy suddenly needs to be fed or given her medicine after midnight on a Saturday.
Sarah, 24, says she swears by this trick:
“I would use my cats as a way to get out of anything. I’ll say things like, ‘I need to get home to feed my cat,’ or, ‘My cat is sick.’”
9. Being upfront
I know, I know. It's crazy, right?
It's definitely the most sensible of ideas. Being upfront — especially if we like you and want those vodka-cranberries to keep coming — can be tough. But, being honest ensures there are no mixed signals.
If you act like a total jerk after hearing our intentions (aka immediately moving onto the next girl), we'll just be glad we didn’t waste our time.