February 14th is around the corner. How do I know? Well, it’s getting thrown in my face every storefront I pass — if I see another stuffed bear holding a heart shaped pillow with “Be My Valentine” embroidered on it, I’m going to ram-raid the store.
Yes, that’s right guys — not every woman out there is obsessed with the yearly circus that is Valentine’s Day turning both men and women into clowns and storekeepers and restaurateurs into ringmasters.
Not only is it a commercialized “holiday” where women in relationships are glorified superficially and single women are made to feel worthless, but it also turns men into pathetic puppets, floundering around flustered, trying to purchase a last minute gift so his woman won’t withhold sex for months.
It all starts off with the bouquet delivery competition. Many employers probably aren’t aware of this, but don’t expect any real work to be completed by your female employees on February 14th.
Every time the office door opens, all their heads will pop up out of their cubicle to see if their man or a “surprise valentine” has sent a bunch of roses as a show of their love. The bigger the bouquet, the more your man loves you.
Women are already competitive creatures, but events like Valentine’s Day just amplifies this tenfold. The pressure gets even to those who don’t believe — if you specifically ask your man to stop wasting his money on overpriced Valentine’s Day roses and he obliges, the lack of any floral arrangement will result in your co-workers asking you with a faux sympathetic expression on their face if “everything is okay?” in your relationship.
No doubt they’re bitching behind your back about how your man doesn’t love you anymore. I completely understand why some women send themselves flowers in order to avoid this nonsense.
Advertising and marketing has taught men to believe that for some reason, women LOVE heart shaped jewelry on Valentine’s Day — especially the crappy kind they sell in such quality establishments such as Zales or Jared’s.
Not only do we have to put on a fake smile when he pulls out the Jared’s box, we also have to gush when we open it to find cubic zirconia heart-shaped earrings which are silver plated and make us break out in an allergic rash.
Trust me — the term “He went to Jared’s” is not a good thing. If your man was organized enough to make a reservation at a fine dining establishment on February 14th, don’t expect to enjoy a pleasant evening. Most restaurants set up a prix fixe menu for these special occasion evenings where tip is already included in the set price, so don’t anticipate quality service from the wait staff. Why should they?
You’ve already committed to a 20% tip before the meal has even begun! Think you’re going to enjoy a leisurely romantic meal while gazing into your significant other’s eyes over candlelight?
Forget about it – restaurants generally try to cram as many tables as possible into these high profit evenings, so anticipate that your entrees are going to be served back to back with your appetizers and your plates are going to be whisked away as soon as your cutlery touches the plate.
For some reason, retailers think grown women revert back to their childhood preferences on February 14th — what else would explain the flood of stuffed animals displayed in windows the weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day?
Unless there is a diamond ring or an eight ball sewn into that bear’s belly, I want none of that. For the ladies who believe that Valentine’s Day is the be all and end all of your relationship — ask yourself: wouldn’t you prefer your man to surprise you with flowers and gifts when you least expect it and not on the occasions when it’s dictated by society?
Come on ladies – you must have realized that the card you received and gushed over was the exact same one another thousand girls have already opened. NOW don’t you feel special?
Twitter: @_Trophy_Wife
