Hazard Zone: 4 Reasons Why Sex Is Never An Excuse To Get Back With Your Ex
On Sunday morning, I woke up slowly and with a slight headache. I moved a little to stretch, and realized I was not alone in bed. I turned slowly to peek at my bedmate and gasped as I realized it was my ex-boyfriend. The memories of last night began to flood back slowly. And then I cringed.
Most of us are guilty of this. We go back to our exes, hold on to those happy times and try to convince ourselves that they outweigh the bad. Sometimes we try and recreate the relationship, but other times, it becomes just about the sex.
We live in a time in which independence is supposed to be embraced, yet we as a generation can’t stand to be alone. We crave the attention that comes with having a significant other.
We thrive on the feeling of being wanted, which, in turn, crushes our independence. It is a vicious internal argument of wanting to settle down and spread our wings.
I have heard from countless people two weeks after a breakup and even four years later, “but I miss him.” Of course, you miss your ex. This person was a part of your life and was put there for a reason.
The trouble with continuously going back to an ex, time and time again is that it prolongs the breakup process. You don’t ever really get the opportunity to hurt, heal and move on.
You end up in this perpetual circle of chaos. Think about it: You broke up for a reason. Why, after half a year, is that reason no longer an issue?
So what is it that makes us go back again and again to revisit that ex?
1. Loneliness – Table for One
You are alone now, and no matter if you have been single for five months or five years, it is still the same feeling. Summer is winding down and fall is creeping in.
Let’s face it: Going to the pumpkin patch alone isn’t ideal, and as for trying to bring that Christmas tree up the stairs alone… forget about it.
Rom-Coms are playing on every channel, it's cold outside and you just want someone to cuddle up with you and drink hot cocoa (with a splash of Baileys). I get it; I’ve been there. I’ve envied those couples walking around the neighborhood holding hands, looking at the lights and kissing under the mistletoe.
But you have it all wrong; this is not the time to go crawling back to your ex. This is the time to embrace that independence we discussed. Step outside your comfort zone. Hell, go to the pumpkin patch alone AND jump in the bouncy house.
I promise you, it will be one of the more freeing experiences you can have. Check out a new restaurant alone, and while you’re at it, flirt with that cute waiter.
Don’t get trapped in that needy feeling of wanting to be wanted.
2. Let’s talk about sex baby…
So it’s been quite the dry spell and that ex-girlfriend who only dated you because you promised her the newest Louis Vuitton for Christmas is looking pretty enticing right about now. DON’T DO IT. Come on gentlemen, with this hook-up culture we live in, is your only choice really that ex-girlfriend?
Odds are you call her over for some late night nooky, then one of two things is going to happen. Your feelings for her are going to resurface, or hers are going to resurface (or maybe that designer handbag is looking pretty good to her).
Either way, you knock boots and one of you falls back in “love.” Let's assume it’s her; you will probably end up feeling bad because you only wanted sex. You come up with some sort of agreement that you guys can try out; you get a few more steamy nights then decide to end it. You’re right back at the beginning and her heart is broken all over again.
3. Lack of intimacy
OK, so maybe you are getting some. Maybe you are getting a lot.
Still, there is something missing: that flame, that spice, the fun and flirtatious way your ex would initiate a midnight romp in the sheets.
How about the way he knew every curve of your body and exactly what made you shiver. Or is it the familiarity of being intimate with someone and actually being able to remember her name.
These are all great things we want in bed and when looking for a partner, but your ex is not the one to turn to for this. Sure, you had some good times, and intimacy is a huge deal.
We crave it and want that emotional connection, but going back to your ex for intimacy is like going back to the 90s because you miss Nirvana. It’s gone.
You are terrified beyond belief that your ex was the love of your life and you will never, ever find that again. You better start adopting kittens now; you’re going to need them.
I cannot say how many times I have seen a friend get back with an ex for this exact reason. I can also tell you that every time I have seen this happen, it ends in another breakup.
Love is real and you may have really loved that person, but I guarantee you if you take the time to hurt, heal and move on without getting intertwined with your ex again, you will find love again, and this time it will be greater than that love of an ex.
If you give yourself the opportunity to learn from a breakup instead of putting yourself right back in your ex’s bed, you will find you grow exponentially. You will learn things about yourself and gain more independence than you thought was possible. It is then that you will discover you can love again.
And, hey, it might even be with that cute waiter you flirted with while dining out alone.
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