What To Ask Yourself If You Want Your Ex Back, According To A Nice Guy And A F*ckboy

by Adam Shadows

So my ex and I broke up almost two years ago after dating for about two years.

When we first broke up, we were awful to each other. He would tell his friends I was a "crazy bitch." Then, I'd find out and have sex with one of his friends to get back at him. I know, we're so mature.

But even though we've done all of these shitty things to each other, we have continued to hook up the entire time (drunk and sober hookups). We've turned from exes into fuck buddies, which I'm not quite sure is a good or bad thing.

Also, it's really hard to avoid each other when we have a lot of mutual friends.

We have been able to keep things pretty casual up until recently. Even though we're both aware that we see other people, he'll say things like he misses me or he'll ask me to stay the night (a big no-no for me when I have a fuck buddy).

He's even accidentally said, "I love you," a handful of times.

I usually shake those comments off because I have no idea if he's just being a fuckboy or if he really means it.

Some of our friends think we should give it another shot, and some think it's the worst idea ever. We've never tried to get back together or even talked about that happening.

It's really hard to avoid each other when we have a lot of mutual friends.

Part of me thinks he's just playing a part, but another part of me thinks there's a reason why we're both very single two years later.

Should I try getting back together with him? Or is this just lust from someone I'm comfortable with?


A girl who has no idea what she's doing, 25

Kylah Benes-Trapp

Hi A girl who has no idea what she's doing,

No. No, you should not try getting back together with the ex who called you a crazy bitch, and let me explain why.

After relationships end, we have a tendency to romanticize the connection we've made with an ex lover, which often makes us question why things ever ended in the first place.

After relationships end, we have a tendency to romanticize the connection we've made with an ex lover.

"Were things that bad?" you'll ask, your face illuminated by your phone as you scroll through the filtered and captioned nostalgia of you both together.

But you're ignorant to the fact that things had gotten so bad, you not only broke up, but you then vindictively slept with his friend.

This vengeful action alone shattered the man's trust. You made him look like a chump. You won in the battle of the exes.

Unfortunately for you, trust is arguably the toughest facet to recoup when it's been savagely pummeled.

If you get back together, you know the drill: He'll constantly question your honesty, he'll need to know your whereabouts through incessant texts and he'll ask to see your phone, using your betrayal as a free pass to snoop.

Our propensity to crop out the negativity post-relationship is pretty standard, but it's something that will, without a doubt, hinder you down the road when you compare a current partner with an optimistically edited version of your ex.

Trust is arguably the toughest facet to recoup when it's been savagely pummeled.

So before you consider getting back with your ex (because I totally think that's what's going to happen), here are some things I'd like you to mull over first:

1. What do your friends say about him?

Now, I'm not saying you should consult your friends on every matter in your relationship, but you're obviously stuck here, so it could be helpful to ask for the trusted opinions of people who have experience with your former relationship.

Who knows? They could offer helpful observations that reveal flaws in the relationship that you tossed aside while you romanticized him. But if even one of your pals questions how he treated you, that's a big, red flag.

2. Are you sure you're not just lonely?

The longer you're single, the better he'll look.

Because you've now experienced two years of singledom, there's a good chance you've become fearful that you'll stay single. So you start to wonder if he's the best thing out there for you, when a few years ago, he wasn't.

Basically, you're settling.

3. Is he your ego boost? (Or are you his?)

Besides the sex, are his words of validation — and the prospect that he might want you back — making you feel good? Well, this is your ego doing the decision-making, which isn't good.

These feelings won't last, especially when confronted with past behaviors. Besides, keeping somebody around for a self-serving ego boost (or until something better comes along) is not a nice thing to do, and it's something he could be doing to you as well.

4. Can you try moving on?

It seems that since the breakup, you really haven't spent much time apart from your ex, with your mutual friendships and this ill-advised FWB scenario.

I mean, how are you expected to get over somebody you not only see on a weekly basis, but you also have sex with? By constantly having this dude in your back pocket, you'll never fully invest in another relationship.

5. “I love you” could mean nothing.

You mentioned that he has said he loves you since the breakup. Let me tell you why this could be bullshit: I've personally never said I love you when I haven't meant it, as these words carry great weight with me.

According to my friends, though, only one of them shares this same sentiment. The majority are of the mindset that, if saying “I love you” is the road to the least resistance, they'll use it.

Meaning, if saying “I love you” gets him what he wants (more sex with you, for instance), he'll say it.

If you choose to go against my advice, I'm confident you'll find out rather quickly that things won't work with your ex.

These same dated behaviors and resentment will rear their ugly heads when the tension is high, and it'll tear your relationship apart, ruining whatever compatibility you shared when there was no label.

So this is my advice, girl who has no idea what she's doing. Do with it what you will. I truly don't think you've ever fully invested in another relationship since this man, and I suggest you do that.

Best of luck!


Kylah Benes-Trapp

Dear 25,

I think you should take your own opinion on the matter over mine, and your opinion feels like the only part of your story that you left out.

You never said if you even wanted to get back together with him officially or not.

I don't know if this was simply an oversight, or if we should assume you sending this question means you do want him back, or whether this was actually you subliminally telegraphing a larger pitfall women slip down in these situations.

You disclosed what he wants to do, what your friends want you to do, and now, you're asking what we think you should do.

What do you want to do? How do you feel about the issue, besides confused? What would make you happy, or at least happy-ish?

What do you want to do? What would make you happy, or at least happy-ish?

It baffles me how often their own opinion is the opinion women value least in situations like this, and how they can almost trick themselves into thinking their happiness is secondary to the perceived ethics of the situation.

"What is the right thing to do? What should I do?" Those questions imply correct and incorrect answers, almost in a moral sense.

When really, the only truly amoral thing do in a situation like this would be to let another person dictate your happiness.

The questions should be: “What do I want to do?” “What would make me the happiest?” “What do I feel most viscerally in my gut and my bones and my soul?”

Whatever those answers are, do that.

The only truly amoral thing do would be to let another person dictate your happiness.

But do it after a fair and objective analysis. You've known this guy a long time. You know his pros, and you know his cons. You need to know you're not going to or trying to change him — he is the man he is.

And if that's the man you want (not some warped version of himself that you think he can be), then you can probably look past all the messiness, be with him and be all right.

Know what you're getting into – realistically – if you take him back. Know what you're leaving behind – realistically – if you don't.

You've had two years with him, and two years with just his dick. Which were better for you? During which two years did you two work better?

You two have run the gauntlet and come back to each other. You've seen and lived both sides of this equation.

Do you miss the intimacy, even if you know it eventually comes with screaming matches and sleepless nights? What's worse to handle — those fights or the loneliness, mixed with a side of casual sex?

Do you miss the intimacy, even if you know it eventually comes with screaming matches and sleepless nights?

Then, after getting all mathematic about it, you can make an emotional decision. If that decision overrides your research on the matter, then so be it. It's just important that you weigh all your options beforehand.

At the end of the day, this comes down to what you want, not what anyone else wants.

Whatever you do, DON'T make a decision based exclusively on what he wants, what your families want, what's easiest for your friends or any of that bullshit.

Do you want him? Do you love him? Do you even want love? That's what comfort is most of the time. Don't get it twisted. That elusive, capital L-word everyone is looking for? You have it. Whether you want it is another question entirely.

Unfaithfully yours,