Who's On Top: Why We Gain The Upper Hand From Not Sh*t Talking Our Exes

by Frish Yaqubie

Every time my ex gets brought up in conversation, I’m given sh*t for not saying anything terrible about her. In fact, my best friend’s favorite line is, “Wow, you’re still defending her.”

I didn’t know being completely honest was considered defense.

I don’t know why it’s so difficult for people to understand something so simple. I have an ex, yes. She broke my heart, yes. Yet, I don’t want her back, and me having nothing terrible to say about her doesn’t mean I’m trying to win her back.

I have nothing terrible to say about my ex simply because for a great deal of time, I spent every free and not free moment with her or talking to her.

Generation-Y believes once a relationship is over, you cut ties and talk sh*t on the other person so you can make sure everyone knows just how much you loathe him or her. My honest opinion is, if you’re going out of your way to say everything horrible you can about someone you chose to date, your feelings are still present.

You’re no longer attempting to assure yourself, but everyone around you, that you don’t care by saying everything you possibly can to make sure you send the message that you’re "over it."

Some people think it helps: “I’m going to tell everyone how sh*tty she is, so I’m assured I deserve better.” I’m not saying relationships don’t exist where someone is underappreciated or so forth because I see it all the time, but the art of badmouthing your ex makes him or her more deserving in the end.

Why go out of your way to make someone else look bad? Ah, the art of boosting the ego. We want to make ourselves feel better by bringing someone else down.

There came a point in my relationship when my ex was so wrong; I went on and on about it to everyone I could. I don’t believe I’ve ever been so mad with a plausible reason before. When all was said and done and our fight fizzled out, she said to me,

“You’re an idiot. This is why I keep my business to myself. Now all your friends are going to hate me because of this and you’re going to look like the idiot because you’re staying with me. So I’m the bad person and you’re the dumbass in their eyes.”

She was right. When you spend your time talking about someone badly, he or she doesn’t look bad; you do.

I get it; it hurts. You went through something with someone and it killed part of you. Sometimes, you feel completely empty when it's all over. It’s as if you gave your ex a part of you, which you can never get back.

Emotions form a cycle, however, and badmouthing is a reflection of a negative emotion, one we can really do without. Feel the hurt; don’t voice it with anger. It’s pointless and it benefits no one -- not even you.

Channel your negative thoughts and emotions through other means.

Again, I’m not defending my ex. In fact, I’m convinced it’s impossible to defend her, even in times when she deserves it. I’m just honest.

Being honest means admitting she’s great, amazing and anyone would be lucky to have her. It’s also knowing that all of her just wasn’t meant for me.

And I don’t think that’s such a bad thing.

Photo via We Heart It