Welcome back to the next installment of The Playboy’s Playbook. Last week, we lightened things up a bit with The 17 Reasons Why It’s Great Being 29 and Single, I hope you all were entertained. Now that we’re clear on how enjoyable freedom and independence at this age is, it’s time to explore a different side of the back-end of your 20s -- Weddings.
There is a strong chance that I lose some friends with this column, both real and digital, and probably (hopefully) get myself dis-invited from some weddings, but I honestly don’t give a sh*t.
This is my column and I’ve got some things to say. Weddings are wonderful -- being in the presence of true love, companionship and commitment, not to mention celebrating with friends and family (and open bar) -- it’s emotional and inspiring watching two people start their lives together.
Not to get sappy, but at weddings, especially the good ones for close friends, I’m left wondering when and if it’ll happen for me.
However, there is a dark side to weddings that is eating me alive. There is something fundamentally insane about the wedding industry and culture in the United States. Question for you: when did getting engaged give people a license to inconvenience their friends with engagement parties, multiple bridal showers, bachelor/bachelorette parties, bridesmaids’ dresses and out of town weddings?
Not to mention social media vomit with pictures, status changes and countdowns. To the girl who has been married for over a year and changes her profile pic to a new wedding pic, we get it, you’re a little bummed out that every other girl is getting married and posting pics and it’s not all about you anymore, but give it a rest. I have a hard and fast rule of unsubscribing to anyone posting wedding pictures six months after the wedding. Go ahead, try me.
I suppose that once that ring is on, it’s like you go into a different dimension where it’s impossible to act rationally and the earth’s gravitational field changes to rotate around you. People have been getting married, forever.
The amount of time and money I’ve spent on bachelor parties and weddings over the past 2 years is absolutely sickening and shameful. At 29, I’m in the thick of the wedding crush, but I only feel like I’m starting the back nine of a very difficult golf course, staring down narrow fairways, hazards on both sides, weather turning against me and my caddy is off in the woods doing who knows what. I realize that nobody is forcing me to go to bachelor parties or logging on to my Delta Skymiles account and booking my flights for me.
I guess I give into peer pressure, have FOMO or just get guilted by my friends into going. Also, most of the parties are a lot of fun... What really stings are the out of town bachelor parties combined with out of town weddings. That one-two punch is killer...(*SPOILER ALERT*) It’s like in "Breaking Bad" where Walt loses his millions and watches Hank die -- it really, really hurts.
Which brings me to my main question: Who the f*ck do you people think you are? You do realize that thousands of people get married every weekend, and although I’m happy for you (sort of, depending on who you are), you aren’t special. I’m sorry to say it, I know American culture emphasizes this princess mentality for girls on their wedding day, but it’s just another day.
The same bartenders were there last week serving up shots of Patron, this band has played the same cheese dick music a thousand times before and next week a whole new group of drunkards will be running through the Pierre Hotel with their version of a half million dollar wedding.
Why aren’t there any bridal showers for the groom? Hey, guys like getting presents too, and most of the crap that is on your wedding registry is not anything that he wants, save for a waffle maker or decanter. Guys like receiving gifts too...
Bachelor and bachelorette parties would be a lot more fun if they didn’t happen weeks apart from each other. One after another of getting sh*tfaced combined with some random local activity like hunting or paintballing gets old after a while. Also, you don’t think I’d like to spend my time and money on vacations that I actually want to take?
You’ve got a lot of balls asking me to take time off work and spend thousands of dollars on you, then ask me to fly to your wedding, pay for a hotel, and I still have to buy you a gift? Am I taking crazy pills? There’s a big world out there, 36 hours in New Orleans getting hammered on Bourbon Street, for the third time, isn’t all that appealing anymore, sorry bro.
Brides, it’s amazing how much respect I have for you if you don’t make your 15 bridesmaids buy the same awful looking eggplant colored dress to wear at your wedding and just give them a color scheme to go by, which allows them to wear a dress they already own -- you’ve really lowered the bar.
Six months ago I was visiting a buddy in Israel. He had been dating a girl for a few years, and told me he was probably getting engaged soon. When I found out that he got married last week, I was shocked. Six months is not enough time to have an engagement, an engagement party, engagement pictures, post them on Facebook, plan an entire wedding weekend, have multiple nervous breakdowns, plan and go to three bridal showers, bachelor/bachelorette parties and finally a wedding weekend! There is something wrong with the culture in our country folks, something is seriously wrong.
If my future potential fiancée and I engage in any of the aforementioned behavior, every last one of you has permission to come kick me in the face, multiple times. The common adage is that everyone will pay it forward when I have a bachelor party and a wedding. So here is my plan for my bachelor party -- yacht week in Croatia, playing with penguins in Antarctica and horse racing in Dubai.
Oh, and I’d like my wedding to be on the moon! Hey, by the time I’m engaged, it might even be possible. I want to guarantee that none of my friends will be able to afford their own vacation for at least two years after I’m done with them. Until next time, please don’t get engaged, I can’t afford this sh*t anymore, DMD
Top Photo Courtesy: Tumblr