The Laws Of Man Night

by Robert Anthony

Man night: Every man’s favorite night of the week. This is the one night of the week where you can get a hall pass and enjoy a great evening of reminiscing and partying with some of your closest friends.

This special occasion is likely the highlight of your overwhelmingly packed weekly schedule—an evening we all desire the arrival of well in advance of the actual date.

After being on the leash for so long, this one night to yourself without worry of harassment from your loved one might as well be paradise. This night out with the guys is a time to be cherished. After all, it’s the only night you can justifiably do as you please without fear of repercussions.

Feel free to flaunt and flash your hall pass like a brand new Bugatti—you’ve earned it. However, to ensure the longevity and continuation of these spectacular nights, there are a few rules you must hold to memory. We have prepared a list of these important guidelines below:

5. Keep All Cell Phones Off

The interconnectedness ushered in by our technology driven society has simultaneously changed communication in both positive and negative ways. We live in an age where butt dialing is twice as common contracting herpes from a snaggletoothed hooker from Hunt’s Point. The worst-case scenario on your night out—one of your friends, or you, accidentally calling your girlfriend—is last thing you ever want to happen. Imagine the unfortunate outcome guaranteed if one of the members of your entourage accidentally butt dials your girl while you’re telling an epic story about how you pounded this girl in the gym locker room. This will result in an irrecoverable, catastrophic situation of which no amount of damage control will be able to resolve.

Please turn off all cell phones for the duration of your night out. If you need an excuse, say: “The cigar bar we were at was underground. Thus, there was no service.”

4. Never wear a white dress shirt

If you’re preparing for the morning rush and you know tonight is man night, leave behind that luxurious Tom Ford collared shirt. White, of course, is not only easy to stain, but it’s also prone to show the remnants of your previous evening. Trust us, the last thing you want is to arrive home with red lipstick prominently displayed on your collar—dredging up existing insecurities in her mind and causing her to draw the worst conclusions. Choose a darker color, like blue or black, that won’t stain so easily.

3. Rename Each New Contact

Every man night will be an unforgettable adventure. Your entourage is likely to wind up at a vide variety of venues—from strips clubs, to bars, and even massage parlors for a quick rub and tug. Of course, being the Elite male that you are, you’re likely to have acquired a plethora of females by the evening’s end. It’s always best to rename these contacts to make your time spent with this new acquaintance seem work related. i.e. If you happen to meet a Stephanie, please do not hesitate to log her in your phone as “Stephen Intern”.

You might be wondering why it’s necessary to be so intentionally deceptive. You must understand that it is guaranteed that your relationship will come to an abrupt, unhappy end if your girlfriend scrolls through your cell and sees your texts to “Stephanie”. This is certain to raise red flags and the possibility of any future man nights has just become nonexistent.

2. Always Under Exaggerate

Upon your return home after every man night your beau is sure to inquire “So, how was it?!”. Heed this warning: NEVER, even if you got on stage with The Throne, say you had fun. Admitting you had an amazing time without her will cause her brain to be flooded with doubts and she will begin to question what exactly you’re doing while you’re not under her watch. It’s best to remain Elite and provide a modest answer. It never hurts to under exaggerate a bit when necessary.

Tell her, “It was alright. Nothing special happened." This will keep you and your activities under the radar—keeping you in the clear for the future. When she expresses interest in where you spent this fine evening, your answer should be something simple, like "just sushi with the guys". Once again, a very under exaggerated answer will aid in keeping your hall pass from expiring.

1. Stay Away From Well Known Places

Arguably infinitely worse than being overheard by your girl, imagine entering a night club and running into your amazing, loving, now surely irate girlfriend. If you avoid extremely popular venues and locations the two of you regularly frequent together you can circumvent the buzz killing, unfortunate situation of running into your girlfriend or a close acquaintance of hers.

Closing thought

If you manage to follow these 5 simple rules, you should at least be able to maintain your hall pass for weekly “guys night” privileges. As previously stated, your nights out should be cherished, and thus you must follow these rules to maintain this fragile privilege.  One minor hiccup from yourself or a comrade can ruin the occasion for all.  or even your friends that might ruin it for everyone. Be cautious, gentlemen. Stay Elite.