It’s official: women really do have cooties. I know that we all laughed about it when we were younger, but it turns out that cooties are no laughing matter and it was actually true. What other reason could there possibly be for the effect women have on men?
And what else could be behind their deterioration throughout the years? The evidence is rather conclusive. Women are diseased and there is nothing we can do about it — there's no vaccine available to the public because it is way beyond catching a mild case of herpes.
A man can come across endless women over the course of his lifetime, but if he gets too close to one, the ramifications of his actions can leave him crippled for life. Not all women carry such destructive strands of the cootie virus — some may only leave you incapacitated for a month or two, leaving behind a minor scar that will fade over time.
But then you have the women that carry the life-threatening strand, and while they may not kill you, they are bound to leave you hurting for years to come. We all have that one girl who has managed to take our little heart and destroy it, we continue to hate her forever and blame her for our drug addiction or something going wrong in our lives.
Men — real men — have a tendency to fight their battles on their own. A man has plans, goals and a strategy of achieving what he wishes to achieve. You can have your future planned out to the T — and then a woman comes along and ruins all of it.
The second that you put down your guard, lower your immune system, you become infected. All of a sudden the plans that you made seem to be a bit off; you come to realize that you didn’t include your new situation — your new disease or life partner.
This is the virus infecting your cognitive abilities. Once the cooties have fully infected your mind, it’s all down hill from there. It is as if your head starts floating in the clouds and your decisions are no longer rational because you have caught a case of the cooties -- which is when a women begins to control the way you live your life.
Suddenly your passions, your goals, your dreams become replaced by the presence of the virus and its carrier. Have a workout routine? Not anymore. Have a solid work ethic that allows you to move up in your field faster than the rest of the people fighting for the same dream?
Ha — you had a solid work ethic; now that you’re infected you can’t continue pushing as hard as you did before. You’re sick — you don’t have the energy. You need to put all your energy into the person that infected you and you constantly have only one thing on your mind: her.
The worst part of catching said disease is that — like most other diseases and viruses — the older you get, the more serious and the more life-changing the effect will be. Even worse is that you find yourself wanting to be in the position that you are in, because it seems right to you. How could you not? The one that infected you is 5 feet of legs an amazing ass and perky tits and can make your toes crinkle when she blows you.
But — and this is a big butt — she won’t look this way forever. Cooties may stay dormant within a woman for decades before they come to life and begin eating away at a woman’s beauty. Her beauty will vanish faster than you can say divorce.
There are two types of cooties out there: mental and physical. The first, described above, is the effect that a female has on a man to control him and his life. The second is the physical nature of a female. In a world where sex is rather casual, girls are expiring at rates faster than ever: any girl over 19 and a half can already be expired, with all the casual sex she has, the beauty she has lost, the diseases she has caught and her vagina being completely blown out to the point where it feels like you are throwing a penny down a well.
Time does not do women any favors. Those perky breasts will eventually be more useful to her as dusters, wiping the floor clean as she drags them along. Her bubbly butt will eventually look like the rear end of your minivan and those long legs will turn into shrinking tree stumps the older she gets and the longer the cooties continue to wreak havoc on her body.
At this point you better hope that you were infected hard enough to remain blinded to all of these changes. The worst part will be the little gut she develops that you can say nothing about, even though it bothers you endlessly every time she takes her shirt off.
If you look throughout history, some of the greatest men to ever walk the planet have had their lives ruined and destroyed by women controlling them. Look at the story of Samson in the Bible, in which Delilah cuts his sacred hair to make him lose his powers.
Then you have men like Kurt Cobain who took his life because of Courtney Love; DJ AM who overdosed on oxycodone because Nicole Richie wouldn't get back together with him; Heath Ledger; and Yoko Ono breaking up the Beatles. Kanye West will soon be on this list as well of having his career ruined. The cooties have affected famous and powerful men alike by destroying their lives and controlling them with their vagina, which holds a tremendous amount of power in today's world.
Ya, all that stuff sounds terrible, but the actual nasty part about the cooties does exist, because I have been with girls where it felt like I stuck it into a black hole, not knowing if I would ever come out alive. Girls nowadays can be disgusting because of how casual sex has become.
If you are really lucky — and this is rare — you may find that the virus, rather than debilitating you, fuses with your DNA and somehow manages to make you better — an improved version of yourself. If this is the case, then consider yourself extraordinarily lucky. Most men in your position would find themselves in the corner, rocking in fetal position, begging for the pain to stop.
But you were lucky enough (or is it smart enough?) not to let your immune system down for just any woman. You waited until you found someone worth the risk. Congratulations. You may be diseased, but you’re too in love to notice — blinded by the bliss. Enjoy your ignorance my friend, life won’t get any better.
Paul Hudson & Preston Waters
For more from Paul, follow him on Twitter @MrPaulHudson