What Girls Really Mean When They Say...

by Gayana Sarkisova

Unless you’ve recently gotten struck by lightning while putting on lipstick and waxing your legs a la Mel Gibson in ‘What Women Want’, you probably have absolutely no idea what the hell women are talking about. That lucky bastard was able to read women’s minds.

You, my dear, are not so lucky. Men have a tendency to say what they mean; very black and white. Women have much more gray area with shades of the entire god dam rainbow. Trying to understand the difference between what a woman says and what she actually means is no easy feat.

So, Elite has complied a little cheat sheet to help the men in the world bridge the gap between the language of the sexes. Below are some examples of phrases in girl code – decoded.

"Be romantic and turn down the lights." Translation: "My thighs are flabby." When your girlfriend asks for ambience it’s most likely because the last time she went to the gym they offered her a free membership in exchange for posing for the ‘Don’t let this happen to you’ poster. Unfortunately many girls, Heidi Klum included, feel insecure in their bodies in one way or another. So, if you love your girlfriend, make sure to tell her you love her thighs … more cushion for the pushin’.

"I have no plans, but call me in the afternoon to confirm." When a woman says this to a man it typically means “I'm not really interested," or "I'm waiting for better plans to come up but I don't want to say 'no' and shatter your hopes, so I'll take the easy way out, when you call I won't answer. I hope you'll take the hint.” Grade A bitch, but it is what it is. Woman are sensitive creatures and generally don’t like to hurt a man’s feelings, but sometimes it just has to be done.

"Do I look fat in this?" This one is tricky depending on which of these two situations you are in when these sacred six words are uttered. In the first scenario, she may be getting dressed for a night out. If your girlfriend ever asks you this question as she’s getting dressed … do not look at her. Don’t even glance at her, stare at the wall and say no. Hell no. Why? Because you don’t even need to look at her to know that she’s not fat, right? Right. In the second, she may be in a store trying outfits on. In this case, she’s just looking for justification to buy some more crap she doesn’t need. Now you have permission to look at her and tell her that she’s doing that dress a favor.

"Fine." The four letter word she uses during an argument just the get you to shut the fuck up. This doesn’t mean you won the aforementioned argument; it’s just buying her time to plan her retaliation. When she says "fine," it’s time for you to start worrying. Go to the store, maybe buy her something nice. When she finally decides that she wants to continue this argument, it will be a shit storm, she will win, and you will have nowhere to hide.

"Nothing." Something. Granted, there’s no way you can mind read what’s wrong with her. There’s a good possibility that she may not even know what’s wrong. That doesn’t matter. What matters is that you figure out what it is and fix it ... quick. The fact that you don't know what is making her made is probably irritating her even more. My advice to you? Try to be as nice as humanly possible and ask her what’s that matter. If she answers with a “Nothing, don’t worry” … run.

"Go ahead." Do you remember the time when you were a little kid and your friend say “I triple doggy dare you” and you thought “Oh shit, that’s serious”? This is like that time. She’s not giving you permission to do whatever it is you asked her to do; she’s daring you to go ahead and try it.

Most men will go and do whatever nonsense they were planning on doing anyway. This will result in her getting upset over “nothing” and an argument ending in the word “fine”.

A few more translations to keep in your “WTF is she talking about" arsenal:

"Five minutes." Probably more like half an hour. Realistically, this is the same five minutes your football game will last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.

"That’s okay." She is thinking long and hard about how you are going to pay for your mistake.

"Wow…" By no means is this a compliment. This is her way of trying to figure out exactly how stupid a human being can be.

The Difference Between Yes & No The lesson here is that you can never ultimately find out what a woman is thinking based on one answer and one answer alone, so whatever her reply is to a question pertaining to her opinion on something, "yes" probably means no, and "no" means hell fucking no.

Gayana Sarkisova | Elite.