8 Ways To Tell If A Girl Is Faking Being A Sports Fan

By Rocky Zook

Many girls pretend to like sports solely to attract guys. These girls tend to be extremely annoying, trying to make up for their lack of knowledge by being the loudest people at the bar or party. They yell pointless things at the TV, like “Shoot the ball!”

Once spotted, slowly back away from these women — they don’t have horns and they’re not venomous, but you will absolutely regret talking to them. These are the eight ways to tell if a girl is faking her interest in sports:

She Doesn’t Grasp Basic Sports Knowledge

She’s “the biggest baseball fan,” but she looks bewildered when you mention Ty Cobb. She doesn’t understand why Barry Bonds is a controversial figure. She doesn’t know who the Montreal Expos were. She doesn’t understand the concept of a sacrifice fly. These are all signals that she definitely doesn’t know sh*t about baseball. There are basic nuggets of knowledge of which any authentic fan is aware. If she seems confused at every name drop, you know she’s a trickster.

Her Jerseys Are the Most-Hated, Big-Name Players

Displaying the name of a well known, douchey player on the back of her shirt is a pretty good indicator that she knows very little about that team and, most likely, that sport. Never trust a girl (or dude, for that matter) in a Patrick Kane jersey. Hey, thanks for letting the world know that A) you’re a bandwagon fan and B) a garbage one at that.

Any true hockey fan understands that Kane (while undoubtedly hella talented) is a little diva who would get curb-stomped if he was on any other team. Don’t get a Toews jersey, either. He’s not quite as arrogant as Princess Kane, but he’s still pretty sassy. If you’re going to wear a name, make sure it’s a player whom you know and about whom you care. Show your personality! Get that Hossa jersey! Slovensko!

Her March Madness Bracket Has Zero Upsets

That bracket isn’t a Pre-Algebra quiz. “Seven is a higher ranking than 10, so seven will win!” Easy there — college basketball fans know that seeding rules can be, well, stupid. The differences in teams seeded 5-12 are, statistically speaking, pretty insignificant. The Rating Percentage Index is not a true indicator. But, I’m not here to give a statistics lecture — an avid fan will know that, for example, South 9 is actually a lot better team than South 8.

She Doesn’t Know The Great Rivalries

If shorty in the Red Sox sweatshirt is confused when you start telling her A-Rod jokes, she probably isn’t a true Boston (or baseball) fan. You don’t need to be an aficionado to know about the Frazier-Ali rivalry or get that you shouldn’t wear a Ravens jersey in Pittsburgh.

She Texts During Important Games

…Or does other random activities throughout the game. Unless someone in her family is ill or her best friend threw up in a one-night stand’s bed, a devotee wouldn’t be glued to her phone during a big game (unless to check ESPN updates from other big games). She also shouldn’t be painting her toenails or doing any other activity that requires her eyeballs to focus on something other than the action.

She Can’t Pronounce The Names Of Key Players

An NBA fan by no means needs to be able to pronounce every single player’s name; a Bucks fan (if one does indeed exist) might not know how to pronounce Oklahoma City’s “Thabo Sefolosha,” and that’s okay. However, if she’s a Rockets fan and can’t say “Donatas Motiejunas,” she needs to pull it together. NBA rosters are akin to the size of the Kardashian family, so if she can remember all of those names, she should damn well be able to pronounce the names of players on her “favorite team.”

Her Only Team Apparel Comes From Victoria’s Secret Pink

She’s a huge 49ers fan but couldn’t manage to snag a jersey until everyone’s favorite mid-priced lingerie retailer made a super-sparkly version? Really? She shows up to a game in head-to-toe bedazzled bullsh*t, giving her the appearance of a Super Bowl stripper. A true fan has shirts and hats from the days when the women’s section only had extra-terrible, boxy tees — either she has a weather-worn snapback or she doesn’t.

Dumb Things Keep Coming Out of Her Face Hole

I once heard a girl say that having a color analyst was racist. The color commentator happened to be African-American and she honestly thought that it was a position meant specifically for black people. Gentlemen, if you hear a girl say something like this, she’s not a sports enthusiast but probably is an idiot. I sincerely hope you practiced safe sex.

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