3 Steps To Gaining Closure When Your Ex Still Believes You’re 'The One'
Closure is bringing an end to something: a conversation, a business meeting or, unfortunately, sometimes a romantic relationship.
The real question is, how do you get closure when your partner (or ex-partner) won't allow you to make peace with your situation and move on?
When I reflect back upon the men who I thought were the loves of my life, I still get nostalgic.
I still carry the emotional baggage they so generously left at my door with me.
But more than that, I am finally at a place in my life where I don't want to go back to them for any reason.
For so long after my breakups, I would look for any excuse to reach out, like wishing them the best on holidays or claiming I was "accidentally" texting them instead of someone else.
I was obsessed with them.
I was immature, needy and — quite frankly — pathetic.
So, how did I get to a point in my life where I can now sit back and laugh about ever thinking a moron could be my future husband?
I created my own closure. These are the ways you can, too:
1. Don't beat yourself up.
Over the course of my life, I have been unlucky enough to fall for men with fake egos and serious insecurity issues.
They needed to not only own my vagina, but every other woman's as well.
In lieu of this, I spent far too much time afterward picking myself apart.
Why wasn't I enough?
Was I not pretty enough, skinny enough or smart enough?
I hear I am a pretty good lay, but am I too freaky? Or, am I not freaky enough?
Do I snore, or did I do something that pushed him to cheat?
Blah, blah, blah.
I hated myself more and more for years.
So here is my advice: Don't let assh*les make you blame yourself.
They cheated because they're messed up. You're not.
If you are with someone who didn't cheat, but wronged you in some other way, the same principle applies.
You can buy a fixer-upper.
But eventually, you're going to do anything to get away from it when the ceiling caves in and the plumbing goes to hell.
2. Figure out who you are without your ex.
I have forever been defined as somebody's girlfriend (or somebody's ex-girlfriend).
I only realized later that this is not an identity at all.
Who the hell wants to simply be known as someone else's property?
I'm still working on this, but I have come far enough on my journey to know I let my exes mold me into the person they wanted me to be.
I lost my sense of self in the process.
When they were gone — along with their mistresses, dirty underwear and the candy wrappers they used to leave scattered f*cking everywhere — I learned I am not someone's maid, cook or trophy.
I don't like my hair the color you insisted I dye it. I don't like the clothes you pressured me to prance around in.
I actually can accomplish the things you never said I could.
With my ex out of the way, I rediscovered the parts of myself he made me hide, and I found new ones I never even knew existed.
Without him around, I stopped feeling like a lap dog.
I stopped obsessing over what he believed about me, and I sought the kind of life I wanted for myself.
I feel like Jessica Simpson post-baby number two: slim, confident and ready to take on the world.
3. Don't be afraid to date. There are still lessons to be learned.
After cowering behind a man for so long, it took me a while to gain the courage to try to seriously date someone again.
When I did, I felt more like a failure when it ended.
After having your heart broken, you are going to think that if the very next relationship you have doesn't end up working out — and spoiler alert, it probably won't — then you should swear off relationships altogether.
This is complete nonsense.
I learned so much more from my flings, one-night stands and stand-in boyfriends than I ever did from my previous, long-term relationships.
For example, I don't have one-night stands with strangers anymore because they may or may not have a foot fetish or a pregnant wife.
After another couple of bad romantic choices, I learned how to spot the guys who were using me right away.
I walked the hell away before I got too invested.
I learned it is never OK to hook up with a co-worker, your brother's friend or your friend's brother.
I also learned I could do whatever I wanted, say whatever I wanted and be whatever I wanted.
Eventually, I did find someone who truly accepted me —flaws and — for the first time in my life.
F*ck your exes, and create your own closure if they won't give it to you.
Don't stalk them on the Internet, call them 100 times or hang around their apartments.
Just save yourself the trouble, and take my advice on this one.
The best way to find your happiness is by letting go of whatever it is that is giving you grief.
If you're anything like me, then the person creating your misery was never worthy of having that kind of power, anyway.