I remember clearly the first time I knew I was dating a funny girl: It was a couple of years ago; we were out for lunch for the first time together. She sat down, scoped out the menu and said to me, “I’m going to get a f*cking hamburger and fries; you can suck my dick, Jamie” and then proceeded to air jerk off right into my face.
After I wiped the imaginary splooge from my eyes, I sat there with a smile on my face for the duration of the meal.
I fell in love that day. I fell in love with funny girls.
You see, in the past, I’d met and dated a lot of girls who I considered to have a good sense of humor. They loved to laugh and thought I was funny; they could pick up on sarcasm and witty one-liners and even occasionally crack the odd, hilarious joke.
You know, they held the basic requirements for what you look for in the "funny" department.
But it wasn’t until I met my first true funny girl that I was opened up to a whole other level of humorous possibility.
I realized these girls I’d dated in the past weren’t really funny at all. Laughing at jokes doesn’t make you funny. Sure, they looked hot while they were laughing at all my jokes, which stroked my ego in all the right places, but all it means is they can appreciate jokes.
The girls on the other side, though, the ones cracking the jokes, are the real unicorns. Truly hilarious girls are rare; the ones who are funny in the way you find the funniest guys in your group of friends to be, and what makes you envious of them.
They have beautifully-twisted minds, and what comes out of their mouths shocks you with delight.
She’s witty, with a dirty mind, and has this unique ability to look at situations in unconventional ways that make you appreciate and love her that much more. Humor is intelligence having fun, and this girl is both extremely smart and light-hearted, which makes her instantly lovable.
You can sit there for hours just listening to her speak, in complete awe of the brilliance pouring out of her mouth. This girl doesn’t just make you laugh; she makes you belly laugh and brings tears to your eyes.
And, when you meet a girl who actually has the ability to make you belly laugh, you hold onto her because you know how rare she is to come by.
In previous relationships, you were used to being the funny one, but this girl challenges you neck-and-neck for the title. She probably even takes the cake. But even your ego doesn’t care because you’ve experienced the joys of being with a girl who can banter and deliver the mundane truths about life in a way that makes them irresistibly interesting.
This girl has suddenly turned everything around on you. Now, you’re the cute, silly, laughing girl you were so used to dating; the one who would just sit there in hysterics and gaze adoringly into your eyes as she couldn’t get enough of your ridiculous mind and unique way of seeing things.
The only problem is, funny girls can sometimes be bypassed, or seen as “buddies” by guys who are focused solely on finding the hottest wife or girlfriend possible.
Guys who are preoccupied with their partners' appearance can sometimes miss out on the unique and magical minds of these funny girls. Often, when a guy is younger, he will constitute the most attractive girl in the room to be the unicorn.
When a young guy sees a girl that beautiful, he becomes infatuated by her, and sees her as the greatest thing he’s ever seen, even without hearing her speak as much as one word.
A young guy doesn’t have the patience to discover beauty; he would rather it be instantaneously presented to him on a silver platter. No, it takes wisdom and maturity to understand and appreciate the depths of woman who’s truly funny.
As a man gets older, he learns not to size up girls at their surface value. He is patient before coming to conclusions. He knows most often the most attractive girl in the room does not equate to the best person in the room.
He understands your typical unicorn archetypes — tall, beautiful, goddess-like -- can sometimes all just be an illusion. When men become blinded by beauty, they fail to assess all the necessary information at hand and only see what they want to see: exterior beauty.
Eventually, a man learns to take longer looks at people and use a more investigative eye before determining how he feels about someone.
He eventually figures out that the hottest girl in the room, the typical unicorn, often is too consumed with status, reputation and appearance to open up her weird and vulnerable aspects. Or, even worse, she doesn’t even have a weird side, and is too closed off and emotionally disconnected to have a vulnerable side.
Funny girls, on the other hand, get more beautiful and twisted the more you discover about them. It’s likely they won’t blow you away from the start like the knockouts who always seem perfect at first impression, but they will lure you in and infatuate you with their charm, personality and good-nature.
You will learn wonderful things the more you get to know her, such as the way she can spin any bad situation into a hilarious one; how she wasn’t always the attractive person she is today and learned to win people over with her personality before her looks caught up with her.
You'll learn how she’s not afraid to be completely and utterly herself, and makes no apologies for who she is. She doesn’t care if people think she’s weird; in fact, she’s proud to be weird.
Funny girls have scars; they have quirks, they have embarrassing things to reveal from their past, and they’ll have some stories to tell.
They’re far from perfect, and they won’t hide that from you, but they’ll always show you they’re human. And you will accept and love her for every misshaped piece of herself she brings to the table.
It’s not until after you spend all day drinking with her on a Sunday afternoon with friends that you begin to hear all the magic that comes spewing out of her. Or, until you're in a foreign city, people watching, and you hear how she has this talent for adopting hilarious (and possibly accurate) backstories for every single crazy character who passes by.
The world keeps coming at her, trying to break her and bring her down, but she keeps coming back with slam-dunk analogies and insights that continue to grow and strengthen your love and appreciation for this woman.
But maybe you want to marry a trophy wife. Perhaps, your idea of a unicorn is the type of woman you can dote as arm candy and show off at parties, which makes you feel good about yourself because you’re with the hottest girl in the place.
Maybe that’s your idea of success in relationships.
But just know, that type of unicorn comes with an expiration date. Time and age is going to shrivel down her swirly white horn. Her looks are going to fade and her skin is going to soften. You can try to counter the aging process, but ultimately, she will not stand the test of time.
When you’re old and grey, and your libidos are no longer working like they once did, what are you going to have left? All you will have left is the companionship and friendship you built with that person.
And what better companion than someone who makes you laugh more than anyone else, and is funnier than any girl you’ve ever met?
A funny girl is a unicorn who forms as your love for her grows. Her beauty will grow as she ages and matures, becoming wiser and more sarcastic with every passing year. She will bring out your weird side on a regular basis, and make sure life’s stressors don’t push the fun out of you.
She’ll keep you young, and she’ll keep life fun. This is because she’s not afraid to show the world what makes her so perfectly imperfect on a regular basis.
She’s real and painstakingly honest. She lives in the truth and makes life entertaining and unorthodox. She has a unique way of processing the world and everything that encompasses it.
Your friends will love her because she’ll make them laugh, and your friends will be envious of you because, unlike them, you won’t have to censor your crude and dirty comments around your significant other because you know that’s the type of stuff she laughs at the most.
Besides, laughter is at the pulse of every great relationship. Humor is the frequency that the healthiest and happiest couples live on.
My advice: Grow old with a funny girl. Take time to let her surprise you and grow on you. A funny girl is a life partner; she’s a best friend.
She's someone you can ultimately attack life with and build a defense around the hard parts with your unique banter and inside jokes, which makes going through the bullsh*t much more tolerable.
A funny girl is the ultimate unicorn. And can only be found by the guys who look long enough to fully appreciate and understand just how special she really is.
I promise you, once you go funny, you’ll never go back.