When 'Fear To Commit' Becomes Fearing You'll Never Commit


Commitment is one of the hardest things to explain from the standpoint of a single, fun-loving adult in her 30s.

Odds are, you've experienced it a few times; maybe once was enough or maybe, you've never been able to commit.

Commitment issues usually ensue for one of two reasons: 1) You haven't found someone who appreciates what you have to offer, or 2) choosing someone for a lifetime seems impossible.

Observe how different these two scenarios are. One of them is about a lack of options, while the other is about too many. The end result is the same, but one of those scenarios is considerably less depressing for the person involved.

Odds are, prospect one — the less physically desirable — is absolutely willing to commit to a lifetime of happiness, but finding that one compatible fish in a sea of stereotypical fish seems intimidating and daunting.

This is especially true when you don't have the classic gender-specific attributes to make you "love at first sight" material.

Some of us are funny, clever, or artistically inclined, but don't have the interest or motivation to maintain the perfect physique or classic physical cues to draw the right attention and allow the true qualities of our personalities to stretch and impress.

This begs the question, "How do I find that perfect person who will appreciate me if I don't settle for the first person who shows some positive attention/affection?"

Person number two falls into one of two categories: 1) the person who looks good and knows it, or 2) the person who has the charisma and presence to stimulate those around him or her through charm and candor.

This "alpha presence" allows people to fall head-over-heels in love in a matter of nanoseconds. And, not just with people of the opposite sex. This quality radiates confidence, on which anyone can feed.

Suddenly, the question becomes, "Why settle down when the options before me are innumerable and individually interesting?"

In a perfect world, people would be honest and let you know what they want from the get-go. Is it double D's, interest in books, focus, drive or love for dance? It's hard to tell.

Sifting through this maelstrom of personality fodder can leave you with a dirty feeling. Seeing so many options and finding so few connections can feel like more of a punishment than a crime.

So, it's with a heavy heart I tell you, compromise is the name of the game. An idealized relationship is not healthy.

Setting standards is healthy, and making sure you adhere to those standards is of the utmost importance; it's how you end up with a person you find both tolerable and attractive. Attraction grows between two people, as we've seen on countless occasions.

Julia Roberts likely didn't spot Lyle Lovett across a crowded room and think, "I gotta get me some of that!" First sight is often a lousy way to fall in love with someone. It's in getting to know a person you find him or her truly attractive.

So, never lose hope, and remember, your fear of commitment might just be the need to reevaluate your standards.

Someone out there is looking for you, and if you're lucky, he or she isn't just browsing.