When we’re single we have one set of fantasies.
We daydream about meeting someone mysterious who will captivate us and pull us into a bar bathroom for a hot make out session. We hope for our ideal match to come along and sweep us off our feet — and then promptly off to Paris. We long for a love that is sustainable enough to take home to our parents and hot enough to keep us sweating in the bedroom.
Yet trading in our single lives also means trading in those fantasies for a whole new set of equally unrealistic ones.
These fantasies are an integral part of our relationships. They are the glue that bonds us to our partners, both sexually and emotionally.
Fantasy in the bedroom takes trust in each other.
Let’s be real: Unless you’re a rabid fan of witchcraft and wizardry, the first thing you think of when you hear the word “fantasy” is sex. And fantasy can mean many things in the bedroom — role play, threesomes, BDSM, porn, etc.
But before you share and engage in your fantasies with your partner, there has to be a strong foundation of trust between the two of you. As Sex Expert Caitlyn Caracciolo told Elite Daily in an interview last year, “…the playing out of a fantasy tends to happen when one feels very safe and secure within a relationship.” If you admit something to your partner that you’ve never revealed before, then you know you’re in deep (pun intended).
Why don’t we reveal our sexual desires to just anyone? The answer is simple: Because we fear their judgments. When we cross the hurdle of that conversation we know it’s a big deal. And when we actually ENGAGE in our sexual fantasies it’s an even bigger deal.
Your bedroom provides the ideal setting to assume a role you otherwise wouldn’t. Doing so with your partner isn’t just an exciting turn-on — it can be a milestone in your relationship. And it can bond you in an entirely unique way.
You dream of your future together.
It took my going to therapy to realize that fantasy was more than a sexual word. It’s any kind of scenario you dream up in your head. And once our sexual appetites are whetted we start thinking about our relationship fantasies outside of the bedroom.
What kind of life do we picture for ourselves? We might be looking for that white picket fence and two children (one boy and one girl, of course). Or maybe we want to eschew the “typical” adult choices and live a life of freedom and jet-setting. Perhaps we don’t know what we want, and we plan to make no plans at all.
By opening ourselves to these kinds of potentially-uncomfortable discussions, we’re implicitly admitting that we’re thinking about a future with the person in front of us. And if we start compromising and merging our two life plans together? Well, that’s when we know it’s right.
We start using the word “we” when chatting about life decisions, and we can’t imagine lying in bed next to anyone else. These are the types of fantasies that propel our relationships forward.
Even when a fantasy doesn’t come true, you’re bonded through trying.
Unfortunately, since this is real life and not a fairy tale, we know that not all fantasies can come true. We can’t always get what we want, no matter how unfair that may seem.
Still, when we falter together as we’re pursuing our dreams we’re doing it precisely that way: TOGETHER. Failure is an impenetrable bond when you’re with the right person. If you weather that storm, you come out the other side even stronger. You know you’re going to encounter even more hardships in the future, so it’s important to know that you can count on your significant other.
When your fantasies are compromised you need to find a new reality to work toward together. You learn what’s actually possible and to be more fluid.
The idea of fantasy evolves through the stages of your relationship. But what never changes is how it remains essential to holding you and your partner together.
Falling in love is all a part of being human. Like love, magic is a drug. CLICK HERE to catch up now on The Magicians and see why millions have been hooked.