As human beings, it's pretty much embedded in our genetic code to prepare for, or at least to expect, the worst in every situation imaginable.
Back in college, whenever I had an exam, I never really expected above a 40. At home, if I ever have second thoughts about whether or not I left the stove on, I inch through the rest of my day assuming my apartment has long gone up in flames.
It's not just me, though. Like I said, it's human nature to expect the worst, and we're all guilty of it. Including our girlfriends.
Yep. Girlfriends not only expect the worst, but they'll often follow a guilty-until-proven-innocent style of jurisdiction. This doesn't bode well for either party.
A lot of times, ladies will give guys waaaay too much credit. In the privacy of their own mind (and the group chat shared among their BFFAEAEAEs), they'll be devising intricate scenarios full of deceit and infidelity and -- most of the time -- men will be doing nothing of the sort.
As a rule of thumb, we're most likely not doing anything. I mean, I don't really get out of bed until someone drags me out or unless there's food arriving.
This is why I want to debunk all of the conclusions you ladies may, or may not, jump to regarding the men in your lives. Here are 10 things women THINK men are doing, and what they're probably doing in reality.
10. When her phone call goes straight to voicemail.
What she thinks: "You’re currently having an absurdly loud and shameless orgy, without protection, and your phone is either deliberately off or lost in some hole – and I use that term loosely. Sheesh."
What we’re actually doing: Probably stuck at our boy's house, playing FIFA, and forgot to bring an iPhone 4 charger (which have apparently become extinct outside of a few socially-cognizant peasants).
9. When you’re studying with a girl who’s “just a friend.”
What she thinks: You’re sitting in a small room full of incense and textbooks – with a girl who strips off an article of clothing in exchange for every correct answer you propose.
What we’re actually doing: Probably at the library, or a quiet study room, reviewing notes with our platonic female friend.
8. When you subtly dismiss her proposal to meet your parents.
What she thinks: You're hiding her, and your relationship with her, because you don’t want to take that “next step” with her.
What we’re actually doing: Hiding our embarrassing parents, temporarily, until the moment is just right. Or, at least, until next month.
7. When you have a “boys' night out.”
What she thinks: You're undeniably shirtless at the strip club, clasping wads of ones in your mouth while your boys surround you, in a circle, cheering and egging you on against your will.
What you’re really doing: Watching three different sporting events on three different television screens –while sober, at the bar– waiting for your friends to finish up their rounds, so you can safely escort them home, and complete the remainder of your “designated driver” duties.
6. When you take her to a sensible cheap restaurant.
What she thinks: You don’t care about her existence at all, and instead of taking her to Mr. Chow, like you do all your women, you decided to take her to a Chipotle, so you could finish quickly and proceed with the sex.
What we’re actually doing: Trying to save some money so we don’t have to call our parents this week and ask for another check in the mail.
5. When you don't have sex in the morning.
What she thinks: The sex was so pitiful the night before that you can’t even bear to look at her again in the morning, let alone have sex a second time.
What we’re actually doing: Just lying there – pretty tired, actually. Possibly still half asleep.
4. When you didn’t text her, “Good morning, sunshine.”
What she thinks: You no longer love her; she’s no longer your sunshine, and you’ve already cheated (at least once) since last night -- after you texted her, “Goodnight babe, love you.”
What we’re actually doing: Still sleeping!
3. When you don’t want to introduce her to your friends.
What she thinks: She’s a complete abomination of a girlfriend, and you’d sooner be caught dead than out in public with her – much less in front of your FRIENDS.
What we’re actually doing: Trying to hide the fact that our friends are a bunch of degenerates who frequently wear cardboard remnants of 18-packs as garments of clothing.
2. When you want to eat at a restaurant where you "won't see any people."
What she thinks: You can't eat at any of the "popular and/or trendy" restaurants in town because the maitre d' has already spotted you there, in the company with any of your many mistresses.
What we're actually doing: Attempting to eat a meal in f*cking peace, free of stop-and-chats with old college friends and geotagged Instagrams of "food porn."
1. When you buy her a gift that's anything BUT jewelry.
What she thinks: You hate her, and have valued her worth in your life as nothing more than a $75 gift card to iTunes.
What we're actually doing: Realistically, we have no f*cking clue – for the past 20 years we've received socks for Christmas and have been DAMNED PLEASED with them.