Men, Here's How To Recover When Your Girlfriend Says 'I Don't Love You Anymore'
Most people will probably experience the heartbreak of hearing "I don't love you anymore" at least once in their lives.
fgIt's a tough thing for anyone to hear, especially when that person is still “everything” to you. It sounds like we're being attacked personally because, in our minds, it implies “I'm not good enough."
After all, if you were, they would still love you, right?
In reality, our personal value has nothing to do with another persons' feelings or thoughts. At least, it shouldn't be. If someone doesn't love us, that's their loss.
Sometimes it can even be a lesson — a hard one, but a good one.
Overvaluing Opinions Kills Self-Esteem
Basing our self-worth on an ex's opinion is like being a puppet on strings.
Imagine life as a video game and you could hear peoples' thoughts as you walked down the street. Each time someone thought something positive about you, that would be one point in your favor; every time they thought something negative, you'd lose a point.
By giving too much weight to our partners opinions, we give them power over us. And when the relationship ends, we're crushed if they say anything hurtful. No one's opinion comes without baggage and numerous filters that change how they view reality. Thoughts don't usually represent reality; they're just a model of reality that is often inaccurate.
In this game, you're at the disposal of random strangers and your points, or value, are based on who you ran into that day. It would be pretty ridiculous, wouldn't it? That's how many of us assign value to ourselves.
We get high when someone's opinion favors us and crash whenever someone says something negative. It's an emotional roller coaster based on other peoples' fleeting thoughts. It's hard to build self-esteem and confidence when it's teared down because of changing opinions.
By giving too much weight to our partners opinions, we give them power over us. And when the relationship ends, we're crushed if they say anything hurtful. No one's opinion comes without baggage and numerous filters that change how they view reality. Thoughts don't usually represent reality; they're just a model of reality that is often inaccurate.
Healing Through Refocusing
Once, after a messy breakup, I couldn't focus on my work. The distraction was in the back of my mind, always drawing me back to think about her and her cold words. This went on for a few days until I realized I was doing it to myself. Her words weren't nice, but so what? I had things to do and a life to create; she was irrelevant.
I realized focusing on her was the problem because I was recycling painful thoughts in my head all day. As someone once said, we smear ourselves in garbage and then ask, “why does life smell so bad?”
We smear ourselves in garbage and then ask, 'why does life smell so bad?'
I changed that by refocusing on my work and my big project, and the broken record in my mind stopped playing. By stewing in negative thoughts and replaying sad words in our heads, all we do is prolong suffering.
It's not as simple as just thinking it away, but changing our point of focus and working on something worthwhile has a cathartic effect. Time doesn't heal, what we focus on heals.
Active Healing
The experience of dealing with a breakup can make you stronger. That is, if you actively deal with it.
I've known plenty of people who were emotionally wrecked by breakups, only to repeat the same cycle every time, never getting better. That's why it's important not to be a puppet of our emotions.
Don't sit around thinking about their words — get out and do something actively in order to heal. When progress is made toward our ambitions, we feel great.
It's so much easier to get over a breakup while growing something significant that requires our attention. It's impossible to focus on two things at the same time, so work on something that requires your full attention.
Don't sit around thinking about their words — get out and do something actively in order to heal.
A lot of epiphanies can come to us when we're proactive and not just letting things happen to us. Not working on anything big in your life? That could be one of the problems.
Here are some things you could try to not only get over your breakup, but also enrich your life and even the lives of others:
1. Live in another country.
2. Learn a new language.
3. Start a business.
4. Do volunteer work for a cause you care deeply about.
5. Write a book.
6. Learn a significant new skill you can use frequently.
Our personal development is all about what we do; it's not just about reading a book or going to a seminar.
Reconnect With Friends And Family
A lot of serious relationships end up alienating us from our friends and family, and very few things will amplify pain from a breakup more than being isolated. It's easy feel lonely when we're disconnected from everyone around us.
Making our romantic relationship our only relationship is like setting a trap for ourselves, so get back in touch with friends and set up some coffee dates.
Go hang out with old buddies and reconnect. Reach out to family by making some casual phone calls each week. Reestablishing and revitalizing those connections will breathe new life into you when you feel like part of you is gone forever.
Keep Moving Forward
Even when refocusing on being proactive. negative thoughts will still pop up. Don't try to suppress your feelings, just acknowledge them, and then refocus your attention. It might be necessary to do that a lot in the beginning, but don't let it deter you.
Learn more on breaking barriers here.
