Why Your Drunk 'What Are We?' Texts Backfire, As Told By A Nice Guy And A F*ckboy
Dear Nice Guy And Fuckboy,
Let me preface my situation: I don't lack attention from guys, and I rarely fall for people.
Recently, I went on a couple of dates with this boy and I fell hard for him. We talked, Snapchatted and texted every day, and would see each other every weekend.
This went on for about two months, then quickly turned very casual (but I never took it to the final step, intimacy-wise, with him). Can't pretend I wasn't surprised.
Eventually, he stopped asking me on dates and would only ask me to come over. I'm good at casual, but not with somebody I've invested feelings in.
I got too drunk and went a little crazy via text.
One weekend, I finally got too drunk and went a little crazy via text. I basically told him I wanted to know if he had real feelings for me, and if he didn't, I didn't want to continue whatever we were doing.
Well, those drunk texts went half-answered and I stopped reaching out to him completely.
We now talk occasionally, on his terms, and I've not seen him in weeks.
Part of me thinks I did the right thing by protecting my heart. The other part of me can't stop thinking about him and keeps thinking I should've kept my cool a little longer.
I feel a sense of regret for letting him go. I also miss him like crazy and would settle for our casual situation again. Should I just focus harder on moving on or reach out again? Could a real relationship with him ever happen?
Hi Casually Conflicted,
I think you did the right thing.
You cut things off prior to being totally intimate — or, as the way society chooses to see it, before he "got what he wanted from you." Your actions were smart.
Something happened, either within your relationship or outside of it (another girl?), that changed the way he perceives you. This isn't your fault. You gave it an honest shot and it didn't work out. Shit happens.
I can tell you what didn't help, though: "going crazy" via text.
I understand you want answers, and why you believe you deserve them. But the way you went about it couldn't have been more ineffective.
He doesn't owe you anything, no matter how confident you feel otherwise. You guys weren't official, or even exclusive for that matter.
So, making him feel like he does owe you something —which, I can only assume was expressed in a way that was fueled by drunk anger, and involved nonsensical sentences and misspelled words — further hindered whatever chance you had with this guy.
You have to remember, guys are human, just like you. I can't understand why we're regarded as these mysterious, unpredictable beings.
When we like a girl, we talk to her. We talk to her even when there's nothing to talk about. We plan dates and outings with her. We present our best selves, in hopes that our attraction is mirrored in her. We strive to impress.
If a man isn't doing that or is otherwise discouraging any growth in this relationship, he doesn't want it to happen.
Since this relationship has gone casual — and since he retorted to your drunk, textual tirade of feelings with "half answers" — his feelings obviously aren't as strong as yours. He's not interested in anything more happening between you two.
You were obviously hurt, and the dude didn't even have the decency to fully explain himself. Now, I don't know about you, but a guy who can't articulate himself emotionally sounds like he's not ready to be in a substantial relationship.
If casual is what you want, which you do apprehensively mention, you're well within your rights to get back with this guy. But be prepared: This relationship won't evolve from what it was.
A guy who can't articulate himself emotionally isn't ready to be in a substantial relationship.
However, I will say this: Based on the general tone of your query, you seem to have a judgmental perspective on love.
You say you're no stranger to male attention, yet you're very particular about who you date because you "rarely fall for people." You have a bleak, "I can't say I'm surprised" outlook.
It's as if you're intentionally setting yourself up for failure.
If you do go back to this guy, know this: You can't turn around and say you're surprised when it doesn't go well.
I'm telling you what you're setting yourself up for, and that's failure. Revisiting a broken relationship doesn't fix it.
Best of luck!
Dear Casually Confused,
Not only do I get this question all the time, but I also feel like this is the inevitable end to every relationship I embark on.
Figuring out when to say something and when to hold back is one of the worst dating conundrums of our time. It's such a tight rope to walk because once you open your mouth, you're putting everything on the line.
It's not really fair, either: Every movie tells us to speak our minds, yet we fuck up every situation when we do.
Every movie tells us to speak our minds, yet we fuck up every situation when we do.
I understand the impulse and desire to finish a race you've started running. I understand wanting to dictate the action, speaking up for what you want and not being able to live without trying one last time.
But I think a lot of women misread these situations.
Your logic went like this: If I tell him how I feel, he'll respond. It will force his hand. It will make my needs known. This is all true.
But when you made the decision to tell him how you felt, you assumed he was completely oblivious to what you want and how you feel.
Fact is, he already knew you wanted more. He saw it in your eyes and heard it in your voice. He also inferred it from the common knowledge that women rarely date someone for two months whom they're not emotionally invested in.
That's probably why things went from constant to casual so quickly: this dude saw the writing on the wall.
At this point, I don't think you should pursue a casual relationship with him — I doubt he'd be interested. Plus, I also feel like you don't really want one either.
It would be settling, as you say, and that would eat at you. Despite what you would tell yourself, every day would be a countdown to when you could have a real convo about how he feels about you.
In the meantime, he would be walking on eggshells waiting for you to bring it up. Because men always know this conversation is coming. We hope it doesn't until we're ready.
And honestly, we hope it's a conversation, and not a drunken text at 2:30am on a Saturday that's not meant to be attended to at such an inopportune time.
I won't call you "crazy" for doing what you did that night, since you — not me — already used that word to describe it (and we get in trouble when we call women that). But I will try to illustrate how your early-morning lapse in control appears from a guy's perspective.
You know how people say Donald Trump has a bad temperament because he angrily tweets at his enemies at 3 in the morning? And how that makes him frighteningly unstable?
Well, can you blame us for judging a woman who chooses similar strategic discourse to say she wants to be bound to you in body and mind?
It sounds like you knew exactly what you were doing when you did it, and how you knew it could go horribly wrong... and you did it anyway.
But honestly, you should have let HIM be the one to fuck things up. Men are WAY worse at shoving our foots in our mouths and ruining relationships with words.
Personally, I can think of a million different topics that have, at their very mention, ruined budding relationships for me: politics, music, whether Drake has balls, the exploitation of women in mass media, Colin Kaepernick's protest, my drinking and recreational drug use, the stupidity of Snapchat, abortion, who should pay for this cab, etc, etc, etc...
The women I was talking to about these topics didn't let me get away with putting my foot in my mouth. Men will do the exact same if you're guilty of these three things:
1. Intentionally rooting against our rival sports teams.
2. Talking about your exes or wanting to fuck our friends.
3. PRESSING THE RELATIONSHIP ISSUE TOO EARLY.
Just in case I'm not being clear, that means DON'T PRESS THE RELATIONSHIP ISSUE TOO EARLY.
Because once you do, you can't repair the damage.