I Don't Want To Be A Fuckboy, But I'm Afraid I'll Be One Forever
Truth be told, I never really wanted to be a fuckboy. But then again, I haven't always been faithful.
Clearly, this is not something I take pride in. I'm not the type to brag about the dirt I've done. It's in the past, and I'm looking forward to the future.
However, putting my childish ways behind me completely is easier said than done. It's not because I don't want to or because I can't. It just might not be the most feasible thing to do yet.
The truth is, I just want one woman. Being a player is overrated, and there's nothing exciting to be said about having a multitude of women, contrary to popular belief. It's cheaper to build with one person. In fact, I've always felt that way, but my own experiences have shown me that it's not always a feasible mean to a positive end.
It seems like the only way to go forward is to continue the fuckboy ways that have come to define our twenties for so many of us. The issue here is that I'm quickly approaching the end of my twenties, and there is no end to this madness in sight.
My experiences have me stuck in a seemingly never-ending cycle of hurt. And while it's partly by design, it's not completely by choice.
Let me explain.
I'm at a peculiar point in life. I'm not ready for marriage and kids and all that jazz. But I don't have time to be a player by any means. However, a lot of women my age (Not all, I know; Save your Facebook comments.) are anxiously looking to take those next steps, and well, those steps are just not part of my current plans.
On the other hand, women in their mid-twenties (again, for the most part) are enjoying their youth, straying away from any attachment.
I've also been through a lot of pain in my relationships, some it being self-inflicted. But pain is pain, and time wasted is time wasted. At the end of the day, I'm too afraid of being burned again. I'm afraid that I don't have the same amount of time and energy for recovery if I take another shot to my pride.
I keep leverage over my pride by having more than one lady at a time in my life. Yep, I spread myself thin, fully knowing that I only have the time and capacity for one person. Not only am I hurting myself, but I'm actively running the risk of hurting others.
Does this make me a bad person? Sure, it probably does. My heart might be in the right place, though, if that counts for anything.
Most of us have seen the worst of what dating has to offer. I extend my sincerest kudos to those who have somehow found a way to make it work. You're better than I am.
But I also know things are always more complicated than they appear from the outside. So, yes, I continue to waste my time as well as the time of others.
It's always easier to be a one-woman man. There's less stress, less anxiety and definitely less associated costs. It's still harder to go about it, though.
I want to do it the right way: the traditional way. You know, court one lady and go to dinners, movies, and amusement parks, while connecting mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. Then after all of that, fall in love and the whole nine yards.
Unfortunately, it seems like none of this works anymore. It sounds great on paper, but it's no longer the proper order of relationships, at least at my point in life. It seems like we have to play games until we figure out what we truly want and decide we're both ready to take a risk.
I do have someone I actually wouldn't mind cozying up to for the long haul. We've been building up our connection for quite some time. I'm into her, and I'm guessing she's into me.
I'm also no rookie. I know she has unlimited options. Why wouldn't she? She's young, gorgeous and on her way to being extremely successful.
I'm not exactly a scrub myself, but I'm nowhere near where I need to be, either. Regardless, I kind of have options as well. Even though I've zeroed in on a specific target, and I would be absolutely thrilled if things worked out between us, my pride just won't let me invest all my eggs in one basket.
Instead, I diversify. And as a result, I spread myself way too thin. I deal with the completely preventable and unnecessary anxiety of what comes with that decision as well. By doing this, I'm also putting myself at risk for bad karma. I'm hurting multiple people, and it's absolutely unhealthy.
I'd rather not live like this. I'd much rather settle down (not settle), and choose one, even if she's not my plan A. But that would be settling.
I still go through this mess all in the name of pride. All in the name of being afraid to risk it all for one individual.
I'm way too old for this. I'm playing a game that I can't win -- one that nobody wins. It's a game that's not even meant to be won.
I maintain that my heart is in the right place, though my mind may or may not be. Either way, the paranoia I've accumulated is deeply ingrained in me, even though I thought I would have grown out of it by now.
Maybe one day, I'll grow up and put my pride aside. Hopefully soon, I'll get over the wounds I've given myself and the wounds I've inflicted on others. One day, I'll be able to take that leap of faith, disguised as a calculated risk.
But taking that risk is about as easy as forgetting everything I know and everything I've experienced.
I suppose it'll happen in due time. But for now, I'm the man-child that everybody hates. It's not something I'm proud of, by any means.
Rest assured, being a fuckboy at 29 years old is nothing to hang your hat on.