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The Disturbing Things Women Do Before A First Date

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We all know the cliché prepping that goes into a first date: pick out a new outfit, try it on fifty times, then try it on for your friends, then sit with those friends and analyze everything that can go wrong. The truth is, that’s only the beginning of the typical girl's neurotic fit that is the pre-date ritual of women everywhere.

 

Most women, unless they have been blessed by the dating Gods, have been on some pretty shitty dates. So, as a precaution, we’ve learned a few tricks along the way that help us cope with what could possibly go wrong.

 

Disclaimer: Men, the information I’m about to provide you with may make you want to start batting for the other team. The insider's view of what actually happens prior to you seeing the “amazing” girl you asked out is for mature audiences only.

The following are some of the steps women take before they go out with you:

 

Google-able

The allure of getting to know someone on a first date died thanks to Mark Zuckerberg and whoever the hell invented Google. Your looks and charm may have attracted her enough to get her to agree to go on a date with you; but it’s the stalking she did when she got home that will actually make her go through with it. Trust me when I say that the FBI has nothing on a woman who is trying to find out if you’re Mr. Right.

Here’s the breakdown of your favorite websites and how women actually use them:

 

Facebook – To see who your ex’s were. To examine your sense of style and whether or not she needs to change it. To see who your friends are just in case they’re hotter than you.

Linkedin- To check where you work and the average salary of a person who works there.

Twitter- To see just how witty you actually are.

Google- To find all of the above fairly quickly.

Social networks and search engines provide the platform every woman needs to get to know you before she even meets you. So, when you’re sitting on a first date with her, there’s a good chance that she already knows the answer to every question she’s asking you.

Fashionably Late

 

This honestly the most important and sincere thing I may ever tell you when it comes to dating: women are never actually late for a date. Rather, most women I know like to arrive on a date early, like really fucking early. Why? It usually gives them a sense of control to know their surroundings before they meet up with you.

The usual pre-date “where the hell am I going with this guy” routine: First, Google the place you’re going—this is mainly to become familiar with the escape routes. Second, map quest how to get to your destination. Third, call your best friends and have them go out somewhere in the vicinity just in case shit hits the fan and you need to make a quick get-away. Lastly, arrive about 30 minutes before your actually date –this leaves time to scope out the scene from a block away like the true stalkers we actually are.

Liquid Courage

You never really know what you’re getting yourself into on a first date. The other person may be attractive, but they may also be boring as all hell, or a serial killer. So, it only makes sense that you have a drink or three beforehand.

The trick is to not get completely sloshed and show up like a hot mess, I speak from personal experience. So men, when your date shows up and she’s all smiles, laughs at all of your  jokes, and seems super comfortable on a first date, it’s not because you’re that much of a catch. It’s because Jack Daniels is.

 

The Meal before the Meal

 

I love when all of my male friends complain to me about how their dates only ordered a salad at dinner, and barely even ate it. All I can do is laugh, and they think I’m just an insensitive bitch.

In reality, I’m laughing because I know an hour before she went on a date with him she was shoving her face with pizza and/or any other junk food to soak up the “liquid courage” I mentioned before. I have yet to meet a woman who doesn’t eat before she goes out to eat.

Break in the Shoes

 

Our shoes are a vital part of the outfit prep. More often than not, they’re probably new shoes; and if you really picked a good one, they’re also very expensive.

Long story short, new, expensive shoes hurt like a motherfucker. In an attempt to not wobble like a new born calf on a first date or cry from pain, we women like to take the time to break in our shoes before we actually wear them.

Gayana Sarkisova | Elite.