3 Deep Questions To Ask Your Partner If You Feel Yourselves Growing Apart

by Cosmo Luce

When you have been in a relationship for a decent period of time, you begin to notice whether or not your partner is growing with you. These are some deep questions to ask your boyfriend when you feel yourselves growing apart in a relationship and are trying to figure out whether you can come together again. Sometimes, your partner grows alongside you for a while and then begins to drop away or diverge on another path. Sometimes, they can have a growth spirt and catch up; sometimes, having a conversation like this makes it clear you can circle back around to one another.

If you are going to dig deep with your partner, you do need to be prepared to receive their answers honestly and with an open heart. These kinds of vulnerable conversations are definitely difficult to take on, and in a caring relationship, you both will be able to hold space for one another to be honest. Ensuring that you and your partner are entering a judgment-free zone where you can speak openly to one another without jumping down one another's throats or being reactive to their words is definitely essential to speaking your truth and demonstrating compassionate listening. Be sure you can give one another that before you ask them these.

1. Do You Feel Like This Relationship Is Allowing Us To Grow Together And As Individuals?

The first deep question you need to ask when you feel yourselves growing apart is to find out whether your partner feels the same way. "Are we growing apart?" is a bit too general of a question, so it's better to break it down into what "growing apart" really means. Usually, it involves one or both people feeling like they can't be themselves as well as be in a relationship — that a relationship somehow requires them to morph into their partner. When that stops feeling pleasurable (and it always will eventually), somebody pulls away.

In an ideal relationship, both of you will still feel single. That doesn't mean that you'll be going out and having sex with a bunch of different people. (If that's your idea of being single, then you haven't been single in a long time.) You'll still feel single because you will be able to entirely be yourselves and engage in your own supports. Your relationship will be a great addition to your individuality, but you won't rely on it to define yourself. Ask your partner this question to figure out whether your distance is because you are losing some of your identity in the relationship.

2. What Makes You Happy In Our Relationship, And What Would Make It Better?

An intense conversation definitely should not harbor entirely on what is going wrong. If you and your partner are having this conversation, it means that you both care enough about the relationship to figure out what is happening with it. The nicest way to launch into talking about what needs to improve is to be open with one another about what you love and appreciate about your dynamic.

Once you've talked about what is great about you together, you can better figure out what you need to build upon. And every relationship has something that needs to improve, even couples who have been married for 50 years. Recognize that there won't be any easy fix or magic potion that will entirely fix a relationship, because it isn't static. Part of growing together will always involve some measure of change.

3. What Does Closeness Look Like In Our Relationship, And How Can We Make More Space For It?

The third thing you need to figure out is what closeness looks like for both of you now, and whether you have the same ideas about intimacy. For some, being close will mean seeing one another once a week. Others require a lot more consistent time spent with their partner. Neither is right or wrong, but if you have different ideas about what being close looks like, then you will need to figure out how to compromise to make sure the other person is also getting what they need.

If you and your partner have been growing apart, one or both of you might need to make some changes in your life in order to come back together. Sometimes, these are practical shifts. If the reason you are growing apart is because you work the night shift, and your partner works during the day, you probably need to find a job where both of your schedules can line up. If this has been a long-term plan that just hasn't come to fruition yet, you might need to try harder to make it happen.

Even though it is difficult to open up a conversation that is so fragile and personal to your relationship, it will be worth it in the end. The worst part of distance in a relationship is feeling like you are in it alone. Asking these questions of your partner will create a dialogue and an exchange where you can begin to diagnose why you have fallen out of alignment with one another, and start building a bridge to span the distance.

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