"Bums can fart, but bums can't talk," my very wise 3-year-old nephew once said.
Although I think his quotation is the stuff of utter brilliance, I don't know if I completely agree.
Okay, so a bum can't talk in the traditional sense, but a bum can express quite a bit of information, especially about the person to whom the bum belongs.
Here are nine things a woman says every time she farts in front of you, and consequently, nine reasons you should try and date her:
1. She is a badass chick.
She knows women should never feel ashamed or wrongfully pressured by society for perfectly natural things.
Guys fart all the f*cking time; it’s a part of being a human being. Why should she feel as though she can’t?
If she’s going to roll with me and share some of life’s finer foods, I hope she knows she is totally encouraged to let it out rather then keep it in.
2. She is comfortable with you.
The strongest relationships include comfort and trust. When these two things can be shared, a stronger and healthier connection can exist.
When she farts, she trusts you enough to not make her feel uncomfortable or, at the very least, she knows you’ll laugh with her at the funny sound she just made.
3. She isn't a pushover.
She doesn’t take crap from anyone. In fact, she farts it out. Anyone who doesn’t like it can float away like a cloud of gas.
4. She is probably a total joker.
Farts are funny, and so are girls who aren't afraid to use them, especially for comedic purposes.
In my opinion, it would be way more enjoyable to be with a girl who challenges me to a game of fart tennis than to it would be to sit at a fancy restaurant with an uptight girl lecturing me on dinner etiquette.
Maybe uptight women wouldn’t be so uptight if they let a little gas out every once in a while.
5. She is healthy.
Holding in farts is really bad for you. It can cause all kinds of digestive issues, and it's stupid that women should feel pressured to keep it in.
When I find the love of my life, I would hate for her to suffer from poor health because she felt uncomfortable doing something completely natural in front of me.
6. She has nothing to hide.
You may need to question women who don't fart in front of you. What else is she hiding?
If she can’t be herself, it might be a sign of holding back. I won't delve too deeply into this, but it is something to think about.
7. She is a natural woman.
She isn't some fake Barbie doll; she isn't Photoshopped on Facebook or covered in makeup when she wakes up next to you in bed.
She's a natural woman, and there is nothing more beautiful on Earth.
8. She has good taste in food.
All the best food makes you fart. Things like pasta, cheese and a wide variety of fruits and vegetables are notorious for this.
I sure as hell won't stop eating these delicious foods because they make me a little more gassy, and I would never expect her to do so either.
9. She is an inspiration.
Farting is just another unfair double standard, and it takes a lot of courage to break free from it.
Even I sometimes have trouble farting in front of my romantic partners.
If she can do it in front of me first, I will have nothing but respect and admiration for her.
Also, I’ll probably be very relieved.