Recently, my sister and I were discussing the male species — which, as relationship bloggers, happens QUITE frequently. Go figure!
However, this particular back-and-forth banter during our typical couch and tea-filled Monday night struck a chord with me. The hot topic of conversation was all about a guy of interest who had done my sweet sis wrong. This guy was not a boyfriend by any means, but was definitely a front-runner for what could be a potential new relationship.
After much debate in her mind, she decided to call him out for his wrongdoings. Surprisingly, this guy came back strong with apology after apology. Not in a kiss-ass way, but in a genuine way.
He admitted fault, gave validation to her feelings, and promised to not let anything similar happen again. He made sure to reaffirm everything he found attractive about the relationship, and to express how, even though things weren't “official,” he was definitely interested and wanted to continue on the path toward their future together.
His response was truly shocking. Honestly, we weren't sure what was the most shocking about this situation: the fact that he came back with a positive versus negative response, or how terrible it was that we expected his response to be a negative one.
It was just about then when we realized how f*cking tainted the single world has become. We'll explain further, since our perspective on this begins long before this pleasantly surprising incident occurred.
When a guy hurts us, treats us like shit, upsets us, or all of the above, our instincts are not to take action by calling the dude out. Oh no, no, no. Instead, we begin a heated debate within our heads, and sometimes to the listening ears of our best girlfriends, asking a now too common question: to call him out or not?!
Our case was no different. When this dude originally committed his crimes, it was a really tough decision for my sister on whether she should call him out, ignore him, or if her hurt feelings should be cast aside to allow the relationship to continue as if nothing happened.
Looking back on the fact that this was even a debate now seems ridiculous. THIS SHOULD NEVER BE A DEBATE.
As women, we have got to get over the fear of “ruining” an almost relationship by being strong and sticking up for our feelings.
The problem begins with us, but it stems from a strong foundation from our past relationships. We only expect to get doors slammed in our faces, field asshole remarks, and be ghosted if we call guys on their shit because it has happened to us FAR more times than any other alternative. We have gotten used to keeping our feelings idly to ourselves in order to preserve the status quo of the “talking” phase.
I'm sorry to state the obvious here, but seriously, if you're worried about a guy you are not even dating running for the hills when you stick up for yourself, how much do you think he's going to respect you or your opinions if you make it to the ever coveted “dating” phase? My guess is probably not at all.
Why do we do this? Have we become so worried about being alone that we would sacrifice our own feelings just so a guy responds to our text messages? Let's do better.
The next phase of our taintedness is experienced if we actually send that “risky” text message calling the guy out. *Insert clicking the home screen of our phones every 5 minutes for what seems to be eternity.*
IF we get a response and see his name glowing back at us from our iPhone screen, we more than likely get a pit-in-the-stomach feeling instantly. This feeling is strong enough to make us utterly terrified to open the message and assess its contents. We are immediately sent into a shaky panic as we swipe it open, preparing for the worst.
If we aren't ignored for sticking up for ourselves (which is completely unacceptable), it's become far too common to instead receive an extremely asshole reply, such as, “LOL! We aren't dating, so…?”, or “I made it clear all along I didn't want a relationship and this sounds like one to me.”
These comments usually turn all the fault and blame onto us and leave us paralyzed in self doubt, regretting we said anything at all.
It's sad that we expect to hear these things, or hear nothing at all, but again, it's not without reason. This has either happened to us personally, or we have seen it countless times on the iPhone screens and confused hearts of our best girlfriends.
So here it is: The tainted as F dating world we live in, where we are afraid to speak what truly is on our minds.
With that said, the decision to call someone out or not basically needs to stop being a question for every young singleton out there.
If seeing the facts in fine print have not yet convinced you to drop this habit of putting your feelings aside, consider this scenario: Girls, would you rather have a group of guys sitting around describing you as a doormat? OR, would you rather have a group of guys sitting around and describing you as a girl who respects herself and doesn't take shit from anyone? I would guess it is the second of those two, so don't be the first girl.
If you have something to say to a guy you are considering dating, say it. This is even more important if that something to say involves your feelings or expectations for a potential future relationship.
The right guy will respect you for respecting yourself. So let those who don't respect you ghost you, respond to you like an asshole, or whatever else it is they will do. Because those guys are not worthy of you.