Clearly, I’m single. But, I love it. It’s a good time to get to know myself better, and in the words of Anne Perkins, “I’m dating myself right now.”
Being single doesn’t mean I hate all couples. Believe it or not, there are a lot of couples who don’t suck, and I’m more than happy for them.
Unfortunately, however, there are a slew of couples who are literally the worst. You know the type: They shove their happiness in everyone’s face; they can’t be away from each other for more than 10 seconds.
Listen, we’re all happy you’re in love and in the most amazing relationship, but sometimes, you need to chill.
1. The PDA Couple
Who doesn’t love making out? It’s great. But when we are out and you decided to shove your tongue down your significant other’s throat, pretending like no one is watching, know that we all are and we all hate it.
Groping each other is also a big no-no. I’m sure your friends hear enough about your sex life; they don’t need to see it in action.
There is a time and a place, and it’s not in public when other people are trying to enjoy themselves. Holding hands or a simple kiss is different. Save the full-on attack for your private time.
2. The Couple Who Shoves Their Happiness In Your Face
We get it: You’re happy. And we are happy for you, but we don’t need to hear about it every second of every day.
You do also have a life outside of your relationship, so maybe talk about that for a change? We single people and other couples (who can contain their happiness) definitely have things going on in our lives too, and we enjoy talking about them sometimes.
And, sometimes, we have sh*tty days, so when you’re throwing your joy in our faces, all we want to do is punch you.
3. The Fake-Happy Couple
You both know all of your friends have heard you bitch about each other, right? Stop pretending like life is happy and amazing when it’s clearly not.
Your friends will always be there to listen to you complain about your beau, but when you start screaming about every little thing he or she does, it becomes worrisome and annoying.
So, why are you still together when you clearly hate each other? I promise you it will not get better. Save yourself, and move on.
4. The On-Again, Off-Again Couple
Pick one. Sure, give it one more chance, but that’s it. I never know when the appropriate time is to bash your ex because if and when you get back together, I look like the assh*le friend who isn’t "supportive."
I will 100 percent always be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on after a bad breakup, but after the fifth time with the same man or woman, it starts to get real old.
It also reflects poorly on those who are the type to lose themselves in relationships and disappear from all their friends. On-again and off-again friends are even worse.
5. The Couple Who Tries to Set You Up
What part of "I’m enjoying being single" do you not comprehend? I’m 25 years old, so I’m pretty sure if I needed to find a date, I could do so. (Hello, that’s why Tinder and alcohol exist.)
Unless I ask you to set me up with your cute single friend, back up and let me do me.
6. The “We” Couple
This type of couple is the absolute worst. You don’t even see it coming until one day, “I’d love to come meet you for drinks,” becomes, “We’d love to come meet you for drinks.”
When “I” becomes “we,” it’s all over. The couple has slowly morphed into one giant person, and they can’t possibly imagine being without each other for more than five minutes.
Suddenly, all they do is go on double dates or, even worse, group dates. You’ve basically become the permanent third wheel, or you're shunned until you find someone to bring on said “group dates.”
Truthfully, being shunned in this situation is your best option.
Yes, I’m happy for you and your flourishing new relationship, but you need to get over it. You didn’t invent being a couple, so I highly doubt it’s that amazing. You don't need to talk about it all the time or be around each other 24/7.
We’ve all been there before: The sky seems bluer, the grass is greener, and you just can’t get enough of each other; life is grand.
But, you are still your own person outside of the relationship. You have friends, so stop being sh*tty toward them. And dear god, please stop telling me I’ll find that “special person” one day.
My special person is a bottle of wine. The end.