When a relationship ends, you examine and analyze. You might throw yourself a pity party, and then, most of us tend to do that dreaded over-thinking.
When a marriage ends, all this is amplified.
One of the many perks of being married is the thought that you will never have to go through the dreaded breakup discussion ever again.
You will never have to have your heart broken that way again.
When I said “I do” at 25 years old, I truly believed I had committed to my husband for life.
I whole-heartedly believed in that commitment during our marriage: through the good times, the bad times, the flaws and all.
I believed whatever challenges we would face in our marriage would be met with communication and trust. I believed we would eventually strengthen, because of our experiences and commitment.
Now, I am four months out of the end of my marriage. It's amazing how quickly life changes.
I've learned more in these last few months about relationships and myself than I did with any of my past breakups.
I believe this is because this breakup was the one I wanted so desperately to believe would never happen. My marriage breaking up was not an option in my mind.
Our marriage was supposed to have the vows and the mutual agreement that, even through the worst of it, we would tough life out together.
This was supposed to be my be-all, end-all relationship.
Then, it ended.
With its ending has come a lot of sorrow, a lot of soul searching and a ridiculous amount of slow healing. When I broke up in the past, I would look to the future and think of who was coming next.
However, when my marriage ended, I looked more to the past and the present. I've learned the most important person to focus on is me.
I'm taking a good look at who I am and the flaws I have. I'm searching for my wants and needs, as well as my strengths and weaknesses.
I'm determined to learn from this ending. I'm determined to become stronger from it.
But once I learn and strengthen (and I'm giving myself plenty of time to do so), I realize I still want a partner.
I realize I was made for love.
I think we were all made for love.
Love is something that should be shared. Love should be treasured and protected.
I look forward to the day when I can share my love in that form again.
Even through the pain of losing the man I thought was my person, I still believe in the institute and beauty of marriage. I believe in the commitment that comes with marriage, and the amazing beauty that comes with that commitment.
I believe in love. I believe in sharing your life with someone. I believe in growing together, and growing old while holding hands.
I also believe in the strength of alone time. I believe in the power and necessity of knowing. Most importantly, I believe in loving yourself before you can give honest and healthy love to someone else.
Having a partner you can share your hopes and dreams with is a game-changer in this life. This is an experience I hope to have again one day.
Yes, I am beyond terrified to get hurt again. But I think that fear is totally normal and validated. I know I will be able to face such a fear when I'm ready.
I trust that, once I'm ready to commit again, I will be strong enough to deal with the troubles that are bound to happen.
Some days, it's still hard to let go of those original dreams. It's still hard for me, and it's even harder for me to think of the effects on my son.
However, I still want the future I believe I'm destined for. This is something I believe we're all destined for.
My marriage brought me a lot of joy. Best of all, it brought me my son. I believe in the love between a husband and a wife. I believe in the friendship that occurs between spouses.
I believe I will have the beauty of marriage again one day. It will just be with someone different.
Love, I trust you. You've got this.