Occasionally, casual dating will take you to new places.
Sometimes it's a new restaurant. Sometimes it's a new experience. Sometimes it's an unsolicited dick pic, and sometimes it is an extra special request.
Yep, I'm talking nudes here.
It's an especially awkward request when you barely know the guy, but sadly, this is what many of us have come to expect from would-be suitors these days. Sigh.
The first time I was asked for a nude, it was from a guy I'd only been on a few dates with. We met randomly at a bar, did the whole flirt-while-waiting-for-the-bartender thing, exchanged numbers and went out a couple weeks later. I was a little nervous because it was my first first date in years, but a few margaritas later, I was fine. The chemistry wasn't that great, but he was nice enough.
I didn't think it had been a particularly bad date, so I agreed to a second one. We have the tequila to thank for that.
We went out a couple more times. Our dates were fine: a little bland, but we shared enough laughs to keep it going (side note: the key to my heart has always been my funny bone and pizza).
On the third date, we went back to his place after dinner – to grab a jacket, he said, before we went to get another drink somewhere.
Lies. He was totally DTF, but I just wasn't interested.
I realized in that moment that I would never be interested, so I pretty much ran for the door.
I figured my hurried exit was awkward enough to totally turn him off, and I was fine knowing I probably wouldn't hear from him again.
But much to my surprise, this bro was relentless.
Week after week he contacted me. He suggested sleepovers, dinners, brunch: anything. He once urged me to put on my tightest pair of yoga pants and head on down for an afternoon cuddle session.
I knew he was less interested in me than the potential of getting some ass. Each time, I politely declined.
I had excuses for days. Working late, not feeling well, other plans – you name it, I said it. I dodged plans like Neo dodged bullets in "The Matrix".
I know. I should've straight up told him I wasn't interested, but I thought I was sending strong enough signals for him to figure out I wasn't into him.
Well, I was wrong.
The text came around dinnertime on a Tuesday. I was living with my best friend, and her then-boyfriend was making us some food.
Bro: I'm going away for work tomorrow, so you should sleep over tonight. Me: Ah I can't, I'm not feeling that well. I think I'm just going to take a shower and go to bed. Bro: Send me a nakey shower pic:) Me: Haha, no. Bro: C'mon, take a nakey pic. How else am I going to keep my mind on you while I'm away?
Oh no he didn't.
Aside from a couple booze-fueled goodnight kisses, we hadn't been remotely intimate. He had never seen the goods, and he wasn't about to – especially if that was the only possible way to “keep me on his mind.” Did he really think that was in the cards?
And “nakey pic”? Who says that? Even just remembering this, I feel like dry heaving.
There was only one way I wanted to respond.
I handed my BFF my cellphone and instructed her boyfriend to drop trou.
There, in the kitchen, she photographed his white, beautiful, hairy moon. And then we hit send.
Bro's reaction was vitriolic – and priceless.
Bro: Gross. I'm done.
BOOM! All it had taken was one bushy butthole to send him running.
I wondered if he thought it was mine. It didn't matter either way. It was over, and we were giggling about it all week long.
But then, I was at work one day, a week or so later, and I saw his name pop up on my phone.
My heart raced a little. I wasn't expecting to see those digits ever again, and I was pretty certain I was about to get chewed out via text and emoji. With great apprehension, I opened the message.
Bro: Want to have a sleepover tonight?
Oh boy. The bearded ass was not enough to deter this one. My plan had been foiled, and I was left with no other option but to spell it out once and for all.
Me: Look, I appreciate the interest but it's not going to happen.
And that was that. Crickets from then on out.
The only thing worse than an unsolicited dick pic is an unmerited request for a nude.
At the risk of sounding prude, I urge all the bros out there to have a little class. You're so much more likely to get some when you're not a creep. Feel her out. Read her cues and get to know her a bit.
Otherwise you could just end up with a big ol' hairy bum in your face.